10 funniest Barmy Army chants

You know how some songs tend to get inside your head? You hear a snippet of a verse and it creeps into your head and establishes residence, refusing all attempts to be evicted. Makes itself at home and echoes all around. These are simple catchy tunes, innocuous notes from the sound of it. But once in, they aren't going anywhere. I've recently had occasion to add some new ones to my roster and I invite you to indulge yourself as well.It is one thing to heckle a player with crass insults, crude signs, or pelting potatoes at them. Players train themselves to tune those juvenile insults out as white noise. But when one is immortalized in verse, it becomes somewhat difficult to un-hear what you heard. For the life of me I can't hear the name Freddy Flintoff anymore without a sing-song voice in my head going "Fre-ddy Flintoff! Freddy Flintoff!"And if I ever have the good fortune of being at a party of Australian cricketers, when the butler announces the incoming guest as "He's Mitchell Johnson", he'll probably have the misfortune of me adding, "And his bowling is sh*te!", then I'd look around with a smug look which a kid gives when he completes a teacher's sentence.The original story of the Pied Piper ended with the Piper leading a bunch of children to their demise in a lake, he led them with the music of his flute. Now that's some catchy tune that you would rather drown than not hear its completion.Here is a look at 10 creative and catchy songs which have caught the fancy of cricket fans, much to the chagrin of the cricketers to whom the song is dedicated to.

#1 The Johnson Family

Sing along to the tune of the music here, mentally replacing the original lyrics with the ones below:

Lyrics

His mother hates his missusHis missus hates his motherThey all hate each otherThe Johnson Family de le la le de le la le de le la le

There is something to be said for not airing your dirty laundry. Here is a prime example, someone may end up making a song about your family issues and sing it to taunt your son. Making light of family quarrels is just not done. But if you are going to do it, it is well to do so in a manner as flippant as this.

This song is ingrained in the childhood memories of one and all. But the lyrics bear some measure of truth. Here is what Mitchell Johnson's mother had to say about his girlfriend, and now wife Jessica Johnson. "I get a text on Mother's Day and a text on my birthday. Up until he met Jessica we were very close. But he hasn't spent a night under my roof since he met Jessica."

It would be something if one were to reanimate the opening theme song of the Addams Family by replacing their faces with Johnson's.

#2 My name is Shaun Pollock

Lyrics

My name is Shaun Pollock and I cannot countOne more run, one more runI miscalculated and we got knocked outOne more run, one more run

Oh I had a panic attackOh and I got the sackOh we needed one more runOne more run, one more run

Clearly this refers to Shaun Pollock’s miscalculations during the 2003 World Cup when South Africa went out after rain intervened play and the D/L method.

#3 I can\'t read (Ricky Ponting)

Lyrics

I can't read and I can't writeI must be AustralianI can't read and I can't writeI must be Australian

I can't bowl and I can't batMy names Ricky PontingI can't drink and I can't fightMy names Ricky Ponting

It is one thing to make light of a player's ability to bat and bowl. That is par for the course. If you are going to heckle, you may as well attack a man on a fundamental skill which primary school students are adept at - reading and writing.

Now a primal dude may scoff at that, saying he can still be the life and soul of a party without counting how many beers he's chugged down and how many fools he's knocked out. But the song smartly takes away his ability to drink or fight as well. Now you gotta be either a nerd or a jock to hold your own in high school cliches, here Ponting is stripped of the core abilities of both and reduced to a dude whith neither brains nor brawn.

#4 Shane Warne\'s Villa

Lyrics (Starting from 1:02 in the video)

Show me the way to Shane Warne's VillaHe's got his diet pills under hispillaA dodgy bookie from ManilaNursey's on her mobile phone

Repeat x3

La-la lar la-la la-la lar, Fat G*t!La-lalar la-la la-la lar, Take a bungLa-lalar la-la la-la lar,Warney where's your mobile phone?

To sum this song up, according to the Barmy Army, Shane Warne is a fat guy who needs to take a bung and he's addicted to diet pills and gambling. Succinct.

#5 Red-nosed Captain (Ricky Ponting)

Lyrics

Ricky the red-faced captainLeads a side in trouble and strifeBoth he and Ryan HarrisCouldn't score to save their life

Strauss and his Pommie teammatesCooky, Bell and Kevin PShowed how the Aussies are nowThe worst team in their history

This is poetry with depth. In a few verses, five Australian players are mocked, chided at letting down the ancestors of the Australian team, and deemed to be unworthy to score runs to save their lives. Not to mention likening all of them with reindeers.

#6 Oh how we love Freddy Flintoff

Lyrics

Oh how we love,your seam bowling,your six hitting.Freddy Flintoff, Freddy Flintoff

Here is a song which is not an insult to the player. Sounds like something fans would cheer while they carry Andrew Flintoff off on their shoulders after a match-winning knock.

#7 King of the Swingers (Matthew Hoggard)

Lyrics

Now Hoggy's the King of the swingers, An England VIPHe has a bowl, we have a song, The Aussies out by teaOohh Oohh Oohh, I wanna bowl like you-ou-ouDon't wanna bat like you, just bowl like you do-o-oOh yeah it's true-ue-ueI wanna bowl like you-ou-ouDon't wanna bat like you, just bowl like you-ou-ou.

Once again, this song would be greatly improved if you were to see the first minute of the video it is set to and mentally visualise Matthew Hoggard's face. Mowgli can be anyone you choose.

#8 Jolly Aussie

Lyrics

Once a jolly Aussie sat down at a cricket matchSat in the shade of the BARMY ARMYAnd he sat and he sighed and then the poor Aussie cried Why have the Poms got more humour than me?

MORE SENSE OF HUMOURMORE SENSE OF HUMOURWHY HAVE THE POMS GOT MORE HUMOUR THAN ME

Cos I'm thick as a brickI'm a seventh generation skipThat's why the poms have more humour than me

And so the Aussie sits thereAnd he starts to think a bitThought he'd make a songThat his mates could enjoySo he thought up a songAnd it didn't take him very long

Here, the song derides the Australian fans for not being creative enough to come up with a song which can be enjoyable. Australians have earned a reputation for sledging, and there are unruly fans among every team’s fanbase. This song, however, puts the Australian fan base square in the crosshairs for not having a sense of humour.

#9 Yesterday (Ricky Ponting)

Lyrics

YesterdayPonting's troubles seemed so far awayNow Nathan Hauritz is here to stayMcGrath and Warne were YesterdaySuddenlyThey're not half the team they used to beWill he lose Ashes number threeYesterday came suddenlyWhy HaydosHad to go I don't know, Langer wouldn't sayAdam Gilchrist's gone, now Ricky longs for Yesterdayyyyyy

Thus far, the songs have been tongue-in-cheek. A strong-willed man could just listen to them with one ear and let them out the other. But even strong-willed men occasionally gaze at the moon at night with wistfulness and yearn for days gone by.

This song is designed to tug at the heartstrings of Ricky Ponting in the hope that he breaks down. Go ahead, sing this along to the song above and try to not shed a tear.

#10 He bowls to the left.. (Mitchell Johnson)

Lyrics

He balls to the left.He balls to the right.That’s Mitchell Johnson,his bowling is sh*te.

Clearly implying that Mitchell Johnson bowls all over the place like a man who’s lost control, this chant was sung during the 2010/11 Ashes. This is a short song which can be snuck in while Johnson is walking back to start his run up before a delivery.

Fair to say, Johnson got his revenge and some more during the 2013/14 Ashes.