I wish AJ Styles wasn't right about SmackDown’s ratings.
The truth is, AJ is pretty much exactly why SmackDown’s ratings aren’t plummeting. That’s not a slam against the Blue brand’s quality, in fact, I prefer SmackDown over Raw almost 100% of the time. But the fact of the matter is, AJ is their biggest draw when John Cena’s not around.
And that's fine, he is that good, I just want people to tune in to SL because it deserves to be watched for a lot more reasons than just "AJ Styles and sometimes Cena"
Despite the fact that SmackDown is still considered the less important show, it’s better television all around. The characters are given more time to develop, and the stories generally make some sense. They also seem to have a better understanding of how a pro wrestling television show should work.
They’re willing to roll with the punches and adjust when they need to, but also keep an eye on the direction of feuds and angles. It’s not perfect by any means, though. For instance, I am totally digging the Bray Wyatt/Randy Orton build to Wrestlemania 33, but I thought Orton burning Bray’s haunt shack down was a total misfire.
Now, I can think that’s lame but continue to like the overall story and be emotionally involved, because I appreciate the dedication to the story. Also, I'm a reasonable adult. Even just a little effort in pro wrestling storylines can go a long way.
Over on Raw, it feels like they had the entire next few years planned out before Finn Balor got hurt, and now they still haven’t figured out how to recover.
They book their Champions to look like dweebs, they waste talent to push people that the crowd secretly kinda hates, they take anything fun and burn it straight to the ground, and they keep telling me the most important thing is a match that lost all it's fire a year ago.
I'm not even sure you can realistically call Goldberg or Brock "Raw" guys, they're barely wrestling guys.
Raw is super important, I understand that and respect that, but just leaning on the fact that it’s older than SmackDown can only end in disaster. So when AJ says that the ratings on Team Blue would be toilet spelunking if it wasn’t for him, it saddens me because he’s not the only reason the show is great, and it's a hell of a lot better than Red.
I wish the Raw tag team division was half as good as SmackDown’s
First, I'm sorry to keep bagging on Raw but when the shows are right next to each other in the week the differences are glaring. I'm a jerk, but I'm working on it.
Second, but more important, American Alpha vs. The Usos for the Tag Team Championships was dope. I’m absolutely furious that AA lost the belts to the Twosos but I can’t stay mad at a division that has them in it. Jordan and Gable are one good promo away from being gigantic stars.
They are bonkers good in the ring, doing that thing that Kurt Angle did by making Olympic-style wrestling exciting to watch.
I’m even a fan of The Usos now. Heelsos works great and they seem more comfortable as a team, probably because they have better music and outfits. For years, I screamed bloody trash at The Usos through all their safe-as-Nerf “high flying,” the loud colours, the unearned Slammies, their idea that basketball and pro wrestling are the same sport, all of it.
“Hate” is way too strong a word, but I certainly wasn’t a fan. And now I am because pro wrestling is a flat circle. Or squared, I forget.
It’s not just them, either. I am hopelessly in love with everything about Breezango, so I was pretty happy about “Breezy Bella” and the ticketing of John Cena, even if Miz and Maryse had already made him and Nikki choke on parody. I want them to get their own buddy cop show, like Cagney & Lacey, but with better outfits.
I’m still super into The Vaudevillains, although a lot of that is held over from their NXT days. I wish Gotch hadn’t gotten in trouble for getting beat up by Sin Cara at craft services or whatever happened, those dudes are great when they’re on TV.
I’m just happy knowing Heath Slater and Rhyno are somewhere eating spray cheese and crackers or splashing around in an above-ground pool with Heath’s 37 kids, or showing up to SmackDown in limos for apparently no reason. Hell, even The Ascension seem to be taking things a little more seriously, giving them a little more edge and character.
Their face paint is so bad it's amazing. I've lost days just staring at it and discussing religious violence with myself.
What’s that, six teams I enjoy seeing on SmackDown Live TV? Raw, however, has Sheamus and Cesaro. Golden Truth are incredible but they're never around anymore. That’s kind of it for me.
Enzo & Cass have essentially been boiled down to walking vuvuzelas, The Club are the least effective and dumbest champions of all time, and I’m only semi-interested in buying a timeshare from The Shining Stars. And that’s all of Raw’s tag team division. How is it considered the better show, again?
The only hope they have to make it interesting again is for The Revival to show up and destroy the entire division. As of now, it barely exists, anyway.
I wish The Miz and Maryse were the actual stars of Total Bellas
If you know me, you know I spent the autumn of my discontent covering the E! Channel’s Total Divas spin-off, Total Bellas. You know, the show Nikki and Brie needed because they weren’t on television enough. Basically, it was a lot of “Is Cena gonna actually kill that dog?” and “My neck, Bryan’s head, penis jokes!” It was rough.
There were times when I considered leaving all of this behind, my Aquaman comic books and Melvins 7-inches, all of it, and living in the sewers with the C.H.U.D.s until I was dead.
So when Total Bellas Bulls*** premiered on SmackDown live, it was like I was being rewarded for writing over a thousand words a week about how John Laurinaitis was inexplicably the best part of the show. They nailed their impressions, balancing outrageousness with familiarity better than some professional comedians.
I was particularly smitten with the DDP Yoga DVD set product placement since I actually have and sometimes use it.
This is also good television for fans of pro wrestling because while it’s pretty widely used trope, pre-taped segments like this usually fall flat. For every Heath and Rhyno on-location trailer spot, we get buckets of The New Day vs. The Wyatt Family in a Forest Parking Lot garbage that never translates and is immediately forgotten.
While the Heath Rhyno stuff helped develop character for those two, Total Bulls*** did the same, touching on the always questionable/rarely acknowledged Cena/Nikki relationship and strengthening the idea that Miz and Maryse are total s***heads. But it also moved the WrestleMania match and feud forward, helping all four people involved.
It’s almost surprising that they hadn’t already done this specific segment, and even more surprising that it’s not done that well more often.
(I'll be covering Total Bellas season 2, so if anybody knows a good therapist, hit me up)
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