The Bad 1
Foley hates his job, also he sucks at it.
We all saw where this was going from the top of the show if we hadn’t already been waiting for it since Mick Foley’s second week as General Manager. Mick was terrible for this job to begin with.
Steph, who I think is probably picking up business strategies from the kids at the lemonade stand that got in trouble for poisoning the majority of a town last year, gives Mick the impossible (-y easy) task of firing a Raw Superstar.
Later, when it’s time for Mick to fire someone, he defaults to the ol’ “You can’t fire me ‘cause I quit” by naming Stephanie as his choice because she’s terrible and publicly hates her employees. And he legally can’t do that anyway so it was just him dying on his own sword.
Which I guess would be valiant if it was in the name of anything but a cheap face boost for someone else.
This brings out Business/Not Business Triple H and sets Steph into Action Figure Stance for the rest of the segment. They yell at Mick and Mick sockmouths Trips and Steph armballs Mick because this is what I want to see when I think of pro wrestling.
THAT brings Hurt/Not Hurt Seth Rollins and a preview of their definitely not happening/happening match at Wrestlemania.
So, basically, Steph sets up Foley to die and make room for probably Kurt Angle as GM, Triple H gets mad because Mick made the emptiest possible threat to his ultra powerful wife, and with all this, they are absolutely determined to give us a Rollins/Triple H match that lost all heat a year ago.
And I can’t even remember if Mick got fired or not. But Curtis Axel dodged a bullet.
The Bad 2
Speaking of Wrestlemania matches on the Raw side of things, the other Red Main Event is at least for the WWE Universal Championship! The numero uno belt in space! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THESE MEN’S CAREERS.
The belt that’s a red version of the actual belt with actual history. The belt that’s changed hands through actual pro wrestling once. In less than 90 seconds. THAT belt. I guess it was felt that Brock vs. Goldberg needed more accessories and no one else deserved that ‘Mania spot. It’s not an easy pill to swallow, but I don’t have a choice.
So, say I’m fine with ALL of this because that pesky “hope” crap seeps in and I want to assume we’ll get a rad match in the main event on the biggest stage in Orlando. A classic, even. That’s the time to do it. Fingers crossed.
What they are currently selling us is, a deadly blood feud between two MONSTERS, taking its impetus from a video game. Since the Universal belt isn’t enough, now they’re pushing the match as, basically, Goldberg hits his two moves in a minute+ and wins, or, Goldberg takes one bump and loses. There’s your Wrestlemania Main Event, dedicated fans!
My heart says it won’t be that boring, but history has proven me wrong every time.
The Bad 3
The Trips and Joe and KO Connection.
I don’t get this at all. If you can shed some light, text me. As far as I can tell, Triple H is all about running the WWE and handpicking the top guy. He tried it with Seth Rollins, and that got neither of them anywhere, so he switched over to Kevin Owens, and wrestling fans were stoked.
So then Hx3 disappeared and was all, “I’m busy NXTing!”, so Steph was a surrogate jerk who allowed Foley to give Roman Reigns countless shots at Kevin’s Universal Championship. That didn’t work so they gave the chance to Goldberg, so, good job, everybody?
I know technically Foley gave Goldberg the match, but technically Steph can reverse it. Mick’s actions haven’t been sitting right with me for six months. What with the Roman pandering, to telling the women how proud he is of them before screaming in their faces for pro wrestling too hard.
This whole time, after Triple H pedigreed a bunch of people to make sure Rollins didn’t become champ, and specifically hand it to Owens, Steph has done nothing to ensure Kevin stayed champ or protect him at all. The exact opposite, actually.
By now, it seems as though Triple H is STILL focused on Seth and rarely even speaks to the Universal Champ. To keep showing the world how good at business he is, he enlists Samoa Joe, to help him with his Seth problem.
Which didn’t actually work. So now I guess Trips allows him to go help his former chosen guy, while he concentrates on his former, former chosen guy. The whole time talking about building toward the future. I guess it was cool to see Jericho’s new band, Y2J & The Indy Darlings.
The Bad 4
The Club doesn’t watch wrestling.
What the hell was that?!?! The Club, you know, of the famed Bullet Club. Fellow alumni Finn Balor and AJ Styles. Japanese wrestling megastars. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. Those dudes, they don’t watch wrestling.
There’s pretty much one rule in WWE’s pro wrestling. If no one wins in a #1 Contender’s Match, EVERYONE IS THE #1 CONTENDER. That, and if you use reasoning and cite facts to make your point, you’re a heel.
Enzo and Cass will sell merch at Wrestlemania, making Vince McMahon happy, and Sheamus and Cesaro will wrestle like the badass wrestlers they are, making wrestling fans happy. In that sense, The Club interfering in their match was great for everyone. Except, the stupid Club.
That’s their name now, The Stupid Club. It fits, I did the math. Not only did they make it literally impossible to NOT make their Wrestlemania match for the Tag Team Championships a Triple Threat match, where they lose their advantage, they were friggin’ surprised when it happened.
The Bad 5
No Dogs, No Masters
I was gonna talk about how it’s probably a serious psychological issue where adult men keep referring to themselves as dogs with bones in yards paying vet bills. Until Roman came out and decided to finally accept “entitled” as his main character trait.
Being delusionally entitled can be a great heel tool, no doubt. You just have to be able to explain clearly why you think you’re entitled, and whether you’re right or not, you just have to believe it. If you’re Roman Reigns and have to keep it to short, yelly sentences and pouty faces, it doesn’t work.
Neither does the assumption that you’re involved with every “call out” on television.
Having Roman face The Undertaker at Wrestlemania feels too much like a last ditch effort to make Roman Reigns “a thing.” Because, you can Cenasplain it away all you want and say any reaction is a good reaction, but the fans kinda hate Roman because he’s handed spots that other wrestlers could knock out of the park, and he usually gets a ground rule double, at best.
That helps exactly no one. I’m a fan of parts of Reigns, like I’m a fan of the ears and hat and shoes of Mr Potatohead but not the actual plastic potato.
Roman also told the audience that the only, the ONLY, question he gets now is “What’s it gonna be like to be in the ring with The Undertaker?”, which is dumb because how would he know? And he answers with “They should ask HIM, because I’m bad at sentences” or something like that.
Really, dude? No one’s asked you, “When you were the ultra-cool muscle in the coolest faction ever did you ever think you’d be here today, hated by a vast majority of the fans?” No? I don’t believe it.
The Good
Sheamus and Cesaro
Sheamus is undercover the best and toughest wrestler in WWE, while Cesaro is the actual best wrestler in the world. And they just keep getting better together, not only in the ring but the backstage segments are getting more relaxed and less forced.
The same thing happened with Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. When they were first put together, it seemed like a lazy idea for two guys with little going on. Over time, Tyson got cooler and better in and out of the ring and they became a rad tag team.
This is that, but learning from their mistakes. They told a very long story with Sheamus and Cesaro destroying each other until they were forced to team up, then it took them awhile to even like each other. Then they put it together and got dope and made the rest of the division look bad.
And now the Four-Armed Glo-Stick get to take the belts back from the least dominating team in history with a Roger Rabbit character swirling around them at Wrestlemania. Or they just give it to the team with the most hair.
The Upsidedown
Good 1: Dana Brooke, human bullet ant. I love new angry, practised wrestling Dana.
Good 2: Tony Nese looks like the factory settings of one of the M.U.S.C.L.E. Men toys. I love those toys.
Good 3: I’m putting Titus thinking Big Show is in charge of the Jetsons’ movie in the “good” column because I feel bad for him, and that’s a pretty funny way to make your employee look stupid for touching you.
Good 4: Austin Aries being a very talented and exciting wrestler whose name people know is a great way to get eyes on the Cruiserweights.
Good 5: “Tom Phillips” being put on The List. I really hope there’s a scene on Smackdown where Tom’s on the phone with Raw management trying to get his name removed. Tom Phillips vs. Geoff from Raw Legal at ‘Mania is more interesting than most of what we have to look forward to so far.
The Bad: The deconstruction of Bayley. I’m having a hard time accepting that Bayley, fan of Izzy, is gone and now we have Bayley and the Mystery of the Awkward Friendships. Honestly, I’m not gonna say anything else about it because I can’t give a reason for it and I can’t think of anything funny about it, yet.
The confusion surrounding Emma doesn’t help. Only a few weeks left before Finn shows up to save us all or we start the whole thing over again.
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