Brock Lesnar is a monster.
My friends Erik Hanson and Keagan C. Thulu were discussing recently who, if anyone, currently signed to any part of WWE could stop the unstoppable Beast Incarnate. We debated late into the night, batting around names and scenarios until our throats were raw but the lively conversation was ended when Erik wanted to just listen to Bolt Thrower and Keagan said “this is stupid” and went home.
Sure, he can be beaten, but not easily, and not lately. The last time he lost was in a triple threat match with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose was February 21st, 2015, at Fastlane, and he wasn’t even pinned. Before that, he lost to The Undertaker at last year’s Summerslam, but that was under very suspect circumstances.
His only loss in 2013 came at the hands of Seth Rollins interfering in his match with John Cena. I still give the win to The Beast because he was the only one standing at the end of the night. If you wanna find someone who pinned Lesnar in a gimmick free-match, you have to back over a decade when the late, great, Eddie Guerrero took his WWE Championship in one of my, and many others, favorite matches.
Since his return in 2012, any loss was either some kind of DQ, an “extreme rules” match or something similar (they’re all the same), a triple threat, or a Royal Rumble.
So is there anyone on Raw that can beat Lesnar? How about Smackdown? NXT? The entire universe? I think so, and you might not like it…
5 - Shinsuke Nakamura
Brock and the current NXT champion, Shinny Nak have faced each other before, in 2006 over at New Japan Pro Wrestling. But that was over 10 years ago. Brock has gotten older, but he’s also mainstreamed his fighting technique to “just destroy everything, now,” while Shinsuke is seemingly strapped to the ratings of How To Get Away With Murder (the answer is “Be Brock Lesnar,” probably).
Nakamura is in no way a large man, but he has the arms of Ash from Evil Dead, The will of a Green Lantern, legs like Jagger, and the unpredictability of a small child whose diet consists only of Mountain Dew and sugar cubes. He is also of royalty, being a King and all. His court is Strong Style and he rules it with shaky English and charisma that can’t be contained. And knees to the face. All the knees to the face. King Nak could do it.
Only thing is, when they squared off in Japan, Brock won. Have the tables shifted? I don’t know, but I wanna watch what happens when Shinsuke gets another shot.
4 – Kevin Owens
Kevin From The Canada is the current Universal Champion. He’s taken out all the best guys to get there, and he’ll do anything to stay at the top. He’s imposing, vicious, possibly sociopathic, and definitely smart as a whip. I’m not sure Brock can do even basic math, but he only has to know how to count to 3.
Come to think of it, he can probably count to at least 4 because that’s how many things he has listed to-do list shirts. I’m also pretty sure he could eat KO in lesser bites than that because on a recent tour of Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sky Compound I saw scientists working on a CM Punk-sized sandwich. Brock showed up and ate it like a duck. True story!
The odds aren’t tipped in favor of Kevin, but he does have the capability and he’s known for proving naysayers wrong. I think the only way Brock doesn’t win though, is if Owens just keeps squirreling his way out of even being in the same room as Brock, for months on end, thus leading to Brock getting bored and going back home in his Brock-jet to the country of Brockanada where he will have many children named James or John. Even the girls. He’s a big George Foreman fan and he puts his sandwiches on the grill and everything.
3- AJ Styles
AJ is a winner. He has won pretty much everything all over the world and is flaming hot as the new WWE Champion on Smackdown. Arguably the best wrestler across the globe and he’s only getting better. He’s fast, strong, smart, and focused, a combination that is near impossible to vanquish. He hashtagged John Cena to become the new “face that runs that place.”
He very well may be the only one with all the tools to take out the biggest threat to every wrestler’s mere existence, The Incarnation of Beast.
Whether or not he can is yet to be seen, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to see it happen. That’s a marquee match if I’ve ever heard of one – AJ Styles vs Brock Lesnar. The Phenomenal One vs The Beast Incarnate. Maybe we see it at Wrestlemania in 2017 or 18. Maybe they don’t cross paths and we never see it. Maybe then I get super bummed out because I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SEE THAT MATCH, MR. VINCE, PLEASE, I LOVE YOU.
*ahem* Moving on…
2- Unlimited Toddler Invasion
There’s this weird internet thing where you answer a few questions and it tells you how many 5-year-olds you could beat in a fight before they would overcome you and consume your soul as a tribute to their parents or something. I don’t know, I’m about as good at reading as Brock is presumably good at counting. So I got to thinking, “Is that the only way Brock can be defeated right now?”
He almost legend killed Randy Orton at this year’s Summerslam by introducing Randy’s forehead to the back of his backhead. Wasn’t a very long match and wasn’t a fair fight at all, and Orton’s no slouch. But Brock Lesnar redesigns entire forests using his bare hands.
So, I think a steady of stream of crazy toddlers trying to impress their parents enough so that they buy them a new Pokemon is the ONLY way Brock gets handed a loss. The trick is, there’s no shortage of them. So yeah, some (read: a LOT) of the kids are gonna get trucked in the first few minutes. Maybe longer. But eventually the sheer volume of Lil’ Everdeen Katniss’ will become too much for the beast to handle, and he will be torn limb from limb by these ravenous human piranhas. Possibly at Wrestlemania, possibly in the first ever post-apocalyptic WWE Live Event, exclusively on the Network (one of the few channels to survive The Great Toddling).
I think the UTI is the only feasible way King Beast: Eater Of Sandwiches can be toppled from his throne of skulls during our nuclear winter. Unless…
1- Me
So, remember when I told you about that internet test that tells you how many toddlers you can beat up before you suffer the same fate as Brock? Here is the link. Try it out! It’s fun, ridiculous, a little off-putting if you’re squeamish at the thought of fighting children, but one hundred percent scientific, I think.
So I decided to take the test as Brock Lesnar to the best of my ability, for research. Turns out Brock can handle no more than 31 children before taking an L. Honestly that seems low to me. I think, push comes to shove, he could throttle at least 40, Maybe topping out at 50 on a good day, if he’s had his juice. Then I decided to take the test myself, answering all the questions honestly. Guess how many I can beat?
52
Now, I’m not saying I can beat up Brock Lesnar (someone hashtag that) in a one on one match. That’s just silly. What I am saying is I can beat up more children than Brock Lesnar, and in the end, isn’t that what this whole article is about?
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