Enzo’s not a wrestler. Big Cass is, absolutely, but Enzo is a former college football player and Hooters manager. He was a better Hooters manager, I’m guessing.
Look, Enzo is awesome. And yeah, yeah, I know he’s actually a professional wrestler by name and paycheck. I am a big fan, especially of his early NXT stuff. I bought the “Certified G” t-shirt on DAY ONE. The dude can hype crowds bigger and faster than Mojo can think.
He’s very good at what he does. Put it this way, if he was in South Park’s WTF he’d be a top card champion. But he’s not, he’s in the second best pro-wrestling federation on earth, WWE. And in WWE, sometimes you have to pro-wrestle very well to make it to the top. You know, like Bo Dallas. He’s a slow learner, and possibly the slowest of them all with no prior wrestling experience before joining the WWE in 2012. His physical stature isn’t meant for a brawler, nor is he capable of being a high-flyer as that requires some athletic prowess and background.
My point is, Enzo is talented, but maybe his skills would lend themselves better to a different career.
#1 Hip Hop
Enzo obviously has a tonne of passion for the rap game, and he can clearly rhyme two words, at least. I’m not saying he’s on the same level as Redman or Mr Lif, but he’s certainly better than John Cena, and probably even late-era DMX. Passable, for sure.
Personally, I think, while he probably wouldn’t be an honorary member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I can easily see him dropping in on a Gravediggaz track. He might be able to join, and subsequently take over the Kottonmouth Kings, but he’s probably too hard for 311. I only assume he’s high all the time based on his wardrobe.
He’s already got the mic, and half a tattoo, so why not? He could probably do some great colabs with The CFO$ if he wanted to keep his brand in-house. Wait, I’m being stupid, he’s a Juggalo. How did I miss that? It’s so obvious. The Hatchetman is right there. Probably.
#2 Stuntman
Maybe it’s because pro wrestlers are essentially stuntmen with plot or maybe it’s because I’ve been watching Being Evel lately, but getting thrown around like a dog toy is kinda Enzo’s in-ring style, anyway.
Just like Evel Knievel, Enzo is a showman first, which is the #1 characteristic a stuntman has to have. You can’t just be a normal schlub out of the corner deli and expect people to care if you live or die trying to jump 35 buses on a motorcycle. Even if you make the jump, who cares? Honestly, people watch stunts for bad landings.
That’s the only kind Enzo knows how to do. Enzo can sell. He can sell bumps, goofy merchandise, and given the chance, I bet he could sell the crap out of the idea of him jumping Springfield Gorge on a skateboard. Put it on the Network and watch the money print itself.
#3 Hair Stylist
Next.
#4 Politician
Last year during the Cruiserweight Classic, Enzo backed Rich Swann in a promo before going into great detail about global politics and it seemed legit. I don’t know enough about politics to know any better, maybe slightly more than a career politician. But government seems to be inching closer and closer to McMahon country, and not in the “We’re gonna get you for steroids!” way it used to.
Hell, if he made it all the way to the Oval Office, we might get to see other wrestlers appointed to other jobs in the government. Chris Jericho could be Chief Justice of Rock and/or Roll, Zach Ryder could be Secretary of Partying Down.
Sasha Banks would obviously be National Bling Advisor, but Rhyno should probably stay away from the campaign altogether unless he’s in charge of snacks. Why not? The bar’s been set pretty low. I’d vote for him.
#5 Education Actual Cartoon
Look, I was gonna write out a whole thing about Enzo starting his own university and teaching ridiculous classes like Haters Boiling, Clarification, Cooling and Aeration 101 and Psychology Of The Self: How Are You Actually Doing? I was gonna top it off with how the Academy of Amore’s campus motto is “You CAN Teach That!” It was gonna be a riot.
But then, while I was drifting off watching cartoons, I had an epiphany. It was right there the whole time, right in front of me. On my TV. What was Enzo Amore born to do? How could everything Enzo is, translate into a fulfilling career?
Enzo should be cast as Bart Simpson in the inevitable The Simpsons live action reboot!
The voice, he may have to work on but everything else is spot on. The bad boy attitude, mischief and rebellion, the recess recklessness, the hair, the abrasiveness, the aversion to authority and personal hygiene, love of video games, a tendency to have his likeness end up on a t-shirt, catch phrases that start out fun and clever, but then quickly becomes less so, after each additional use.
Imagining Enzo in my head, I can’t, with 100% certainty, say he DOESN’T have bright yellow skin.
He’s got basic acting skills, and he can definitely do his own stunts. His look is easily pliable. He’s already got years of experience being an actual cartoon.
Enzo is Bart Simpson. They’re the same age and everything. Case closed. (editor’s note: We’re not sure what “case” Graham is referring to.)
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