Disclaimer: This is a satire piece and should not be taken literally.
Rent’s going up, along with the price of artisanal broccolini and wizard-bone picture frames, so obviously this effects everyone, including the Superstars of the WWE. It’s my understanding that all pro wrestlers are paid 7-12 figures a year, but they’re responsible for all their own expenses.
Hotel rooms, car rentals, ring gear, pyro, anything WWE-related. So, even though their making it rain on themselves, their expenses are just that: expensive.
Why do you think so many Superstars have to get day jobs? Cena and Miz have to slum it in Hollywood because Cena wasted all his early paychecks on hip hop jewellery, and Miz is married.
Triple H had to get a desk job at the company he already works for, just so he can ride adult Big Wheels to the ring. Not everyone has a good financial panther, though, and a lot of the Superstars end the year with very little exposable income.
#1 The Club
Ever notice that Gallows and Anderson are always referred to as “Super-duper dominant” and that they’ve won titles “all over the world? It all comes from their time spent in Japan.
They did great stuff there, but when they got here they kinda sucked. So in order to hold on to that momentum, or at least the illusion of it, that got them signed to WWE in the first place, they have to keep going back to Japan to renew their Accolades Visas, so they can officially be considered any kind of threat anywhere else in the world.
Travelling overseas is costly.
#2 Bayley
Bayley’s wacky inflatable balloon men are actually sentient aliens like Symbiote Venom. In order to keep them from bonding with humans, they must be contained in a special holding cell created and monitored by Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four when they're not introducing Bayley.
Superheroes don’t normally work-for-hire, but in this case, it helps fund Richards’ other scientific endeavours, and the world benefits in the long run. Except for maybe Bayley’s video game fund. Although, if she did bond with one of them and became evil, and if she was able to free herself, she’d have a hell of a redemption story on her hands.
#3 Bray Wyatt
That Wrestlemania maggot-projector was a huge waste of money. Even worse, though, is his return on real estate investments. As a God, Bray doesn’t believe in insurance, so when Randy burned his home down it was a total loss. He will also be taking on the loss of his House of Horrors investment, as no one will buy it in its current condition.
#4 Baron Corbin
Corbin clearly hates himself, and also thinks he’s a wolf. The only way he’s able to hold down a job is therapy, and he needs the best. And he needs, like, a whole team. I think, if he just made a friend or two, and accepted his forehead, he’d save a lot of money and he wouldn’t look like his bellybutton was starving.
#5 Sasha Banks
Sasha’s biggest expense is her “Legit Boss” knuckle rings. The only problem? She’s horribly irresponsible with them, often just leaving them on the ramp before a fight. She does this all the time and never goes back to find them. Those knucks are 2 million dollars, each!
#6 Bobby Roode
Have you ever hired a professional pianist?
They charge for the piano, too! Roode, never one to shy away from grandioseness, hired TWO for his Takeover: Dallas entrance, and INVENTED A GIANT, INVISIBLE ROBOT for his Chicago one. Also, his robe is made of liquid diamonds. Dude might be the brokest of all time. Sorry, Flair.
#7 Rhyno and Heath
Heath’s got like 14 kids. One kid is expensive, let alone a fortnight’s worth of them. And while Rhyno’s only real expense, after running for office, is spray cheese and crackers, it’s worth noting that the sheer volume he consumes is measured in tonnes.
#8 New Day
The New Day is practically penniless, as of this writing, but they go by the old adage “Ya gotta spend money to make money.” So they dumped all their money right back into their brand, venturing into summer treats, breakfast cereal, and time machines.
Once these products are released to the general public, I think we’ll see New Day at the top of the “Most Richest” list.
#9 Enzo Amore
Enzo is the epitome of “careless spending.” He’s got at least one pair of every Air Jordan series ever made, plus other brands and those things go for like $6,000 a pop. And there’s like 700 different versions a year. You do the math, I can’t.
Plus he has like 400 custom jackets and overall shorts. Not to mention hair stylings and products. Good thing Big Cass saves money on not buying pants. But how long do you think he's gonna put up carrying Enzo's weight?
#10 Finn Balor
Finn’s paint is surprisingly durable through his matches, and there’s a reason for that. It’s made out of a special blend of coconut oil, Hulk Hogan’s tears, a lock of Sting's hair, Fuji water (the place, not the brand), Inflatable Symbiote blood (borrowed from Bayley) and Valspar paint.
It’s why it looks so shiny. Not only are the ingredients rare, therefore expensive as all get out, but you can’t just throw them into one of those robotic paint can shakers at your local hardware store.
Might as well just blow up the outside world. No, you have to hire Tesla himself so mix it properly, and he’s dead so you’d have to go back in time to meet up with him. Guess how much that costs. New Day’s looking good already.
Disclaimer: This is a satire piece and should not be taken literally.
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