What can you get done with the same amount of time as a match between Brock and Goldberg at Wrestlemania 33?
The only time during the modern era that Brock Lesnar, the albino forest monster than can easily vanquish The Undertaker, and Goldberg, a biker dad who dabbled in pro wrestling over a decade ago, faced each other, it lasted about a minute and a half. I don’t know if you’ve wrestled Brock or Goldberg lately, but 90 seconds feels like an eternity.
I’m a busy guy, so while I love pro wrestling I really don’t have much time for it. A Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg match is perfect for my on-the-go lifestyle. In, out, on with the day. Season 4 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer isn’t gonna rewatch itself!
I sense some of you thinking “But 90 seconds is nothing! I brush my teeth for longer than that!” As well you should, oral hygiene is very important. But when you’re so busy looking for your keys or home-schooling yourself, one minute and thirty seconds is extremely valuable. And if their main event at Survivor series is anything to go by, I can safely say that I can get a lot done in the terse duration that these bouts usually seems to last.
#1 Listen to entire songs, plural
Most popular songs are about 3 minutes long. You could listen to half a song or you could maximise your time and listen to UP TO THREE DIFFERENT SONGS. That’s crazy but mathematically accurate.
Say. for instance, you want to hear one good song. Look no further than Pears’ song “Breakfast.” 1:28. Very aggressive, and a nice reminder to eat something in the morning.
Perhaps you're in the mood for some classic DC punk. Bad Brains' “F.V.K. (Fearless Vampire Killers)” is a personal favourite. You could listen to 311's “Come Original” up to the part when S.A. says the word "opus." Listen to “My World” by Guns and Roses and thank me later.
If you decide to listen to “40oz For Breakfast” by Blackalicious, though, you’re not gonna hear a single word for the first 1;10, and now you’ve wasted all that time!
There's even a record called Short Songs for Short People that came out in 1999. It's a compilation of 101 bands playing songs that average 30 seconds. So like I mentioned, you can listen to up to 3 different songs in their entirety, by 3 different bands with all, or most, members.
Welcome to the future. Why would you do anything else?
#2 Prepare breakfast for one
Now, keep in mind this does not include time spent eating breakfast, just getting ready for it. You’ll have to schedule your own eating time outside of a 2-move main event.
Breakfast can mean a lot of different things to different people, especially here in America. Some have four courses overflowing with multi-grain toast, extinction-level meats, bald eagle eggs, rare fruit juices picked and squeezed by cosplay professionals, Chobani yoghurt, the works. We call those people “Ashton Kutcher," and that takes forever to make.
Others, like Skeet Ulrich, eat garbage breakfasts, which generally consist of an untoasted Pop Tart and a cigarette. Sure that takes under 90 seconds to prepare, but it would be incredibly irresponsible as a pro wrestling writer to recommend such vapid nutrition.
So let’s stick to quick foods that won’t make you look and feel like Jake Roberts, circa Beyond The Mat. How about an orange? Sometimes they’re a little tricky to get started but once you get it going you can have it fully peeled in about a minute.
Or maybe a bowl of cereal. Assuming you can find a bowl and spoon, and already have milk and a box of your favourite cereal. Mine’s Kix, because that’s also the name of my favourite band. You can get all this done and still have time to search the box for a toy and start the maze on the back.
If you have bread, you’re in luck! In under a minute and a half, you can have a lightly toasted meal with no butter.
#3 Set up action dolls (male)
Posing WWE doll figures is super fun because you can imagine still-life plastic to come alive in your brain! Sometimes I like to take Razor Ramon and have him get punched in the lower back by Goldust or manoeuvre Mark Henry into a 5-star frog splash onto an unsuspecting Glo-in-the-Dark Stardust, but you can really let your mind go wild if you want.
I’ve heard of rumours that one man is making his Cesaro lose to his Rock in some sort of underground bunker. If that’s true, and God help us all if it is, then it just proves that anything is possible.
But my point is this: It’s not always easy to pose your toys in exactly the way you want them. If you also have an irresponsible amount of tiny WWE Superstars, you know sometimes they just refuse to stand up properly. Sometimes it takes a little time. A little finesse. A little TLC.
Online reports say Apollo Crews is the easiest to stand but I don’t know, I’ve never seen one. You can absolutely set up a basic scenario to re-enact your favourite...uh...injury promo? Whatever, it’s possible. I ran a test. The problem is, it’s not always possible…
#4 Set up action dolls (female)
Getting a 3-inch female WWE Superstar figure to stand on its own without looking like it dislocated all of its bones is physically impossible to do under 90 seconds. I’m tempted to put blame on the fact that a lot of them have high heels on. The truth is many plastic female wrestlers are wearing ring boots, but are still just as hard to stand up without immediately tipping over face forward.
Realistically, it’s gonna take upwards of five thousand times longer to get Stephanie McMahon to stand face to face with Randy Savage “MachoManiacs” Elite. Don’t even attempt to stand more than one female at a time, unless you’re retired and your cable’s out.
#5 Literally everything else
I’ve already named everything you can do during a Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg match, and the list is not long for a reason. There are only three things in the world that take less time than a Survivor Series main event. That leaves room for lady wrestling toy activities and EVERYTHING ELSE.
The list goes on for a legendary 36 things, but no one has time for that so I’ll just name some of my favourite things that take longer than a minute and a half.
-Watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s. -Pack a Go-Bag for the inevitable robot uprising.-Go to the comic book shoppe.-Write this article.-Watch nineteen 5 Second Films movies.-Listen to that Art of Wrestling podcast with CM Punk.-Draw up mock plans for an ice cream truck heist.-Do the Energy section of DDP Yoga on the DVD.-Listen to all of 311's “Come Original.”
You can find your own things to do, or borrow mine, I don’t care. The sun’s coming up and I haven’t eaten yet, so I’m gonna go to IHOP and get some breakfast.
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