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Satire: Things you can do during a Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar match, and things you can't

There's a lot you can get done during your average Brock vs Goldberg match, but there's also a lot you can't.

Time is a flat Lesnar.

What can you get done with the same amount of time as a match between Brock and Goldberg at Wrestlemania 33?

The only time during the modern era that Brock Lesnar, the albino forest monster than can easily vanquish The Undertaker, and Goldberg, a biker dad who dabbled in pro wrestling over a decade ago, faced each other, it lasted about a minute and a half. I don’t know if you’ve wrestled Brock or Goldberg lately, but 90 seconds feels like an eternity.

I’m a busy guy, so while I love pro wrestling I really don’t have much time for it. A Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg match is perfect for my on-the-go lifestyle. In, out, on with the day. Season 4 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer isn’t gonna rewatch itself!

I sense some of you thinking “But 90 seconds is nothing! I brush my teeth for longer than that!” As well you should, oral hygiene is very important. But when you’re so busy looking for your keys or home-schooling yourself, one minute and thirty seconds is extremely valuable. And if their main event at Survivor series is anything to go by, I can safely say that I can get a lot done in the terse duration that these bouts usually seems to last.


#1 Listen to entire songs, plural

Shout out to Kidd, lover of music.

Most popular songs are about 3 minutes long. You could listen to half a song or you could maximise your time and listen to UP TO THREE DIFFERENT SONGS. That’s crazy but mathematically accurate. 

Say. for instance, you want to hear one good song. Look no further than Pears’ song “Breakfast.” 1:28. Very aggressive, and a nice reminder to eat something in the morning.

Perhaps you're in the mood for some classic DC punk. Bad Brains' “F.V.K. (Fearless Vampire Killers)” is a personal favourite. You could listen to 311's “Come Original” up to the part when S.A. says the word "opus." Listen to “My World” by Guns and Roses and thank me later.

If you decide to listen to “40oz For Breakfast” by Blackalicious, though, you’re not gonna hear a single word for the first 1;10, and now you’ve wasted all that time!

There's even a record called Short Songs for Short People that came out in 1999. It's a compilation of 101 bands playing songs that average 30 seconds. So like I mentioned, you can listen to up to 3 different songs in their entirety, by 3 different bands with all, or most, members. 

Welcome to the future. Why would you do anything else? 

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