Twitter challenges
Last week Champion Veronica and Professional Candice were both eliminated from the competition, and CM Punk said like eight words. I also forgot to mention that the host of this show is not TJ, but Victor Cruz, another ex-NFLer. He’s alright. Kind of wish The Miz was the host, but then I doubt Punk would be on the show.
This week, we start with Shawne Merriman, former NFL linebacker, approaching CM Punk about a fight on Twitter they had years ago. You know Twitter, it’s where adults act like children and shine a light on themselves at the same time. It’s confusing if you’re not a narcissistic sociopath.
Anyway, they squish their argument, which was something about Punk making fun of Shawne trying to hit on WWE Divas, and head off to battle the Champs. It’s a Men’s Elimination, and Punk foolishly volunteers to be team captain. So if the Pros lose, he’s automatically sent into Elimination. If he wins, he gets $5,000 donated to his charity, PAWS Chicago, which is way more adorable than what I thought it was.
On the last episode, when Lolo was put into Elimination, she was livid over the fact that she might be sent home without winning any money for her charity. In the middle of a fun game of flag football this week, Lolo gets mad at Lindsey for something, so Lolo throws a fit and says she’s gonna quit the show.
During a competition that doesn’t count at all, in any way. She seems to have moved on pretty quickly from “caring about her charity,” right into “throwing a temper tantrum for absolutely no reason.” She could be a top babyface in the WWE.
Sushi rolls and mustard blasts
The first Challenge is not a strength or a puzzle challenge; it’s a test of “Ingenuity.” Camila does not understand what that means, or even how to pronounce it, so Jordan takes the team captain role.
The teams are tasked with wrapping themselves up with plastic wrap, just like a hot dog (more like sushi, though), then rolling through a course covered in mud, metal poles, and hot dog condiments. The Challenge is called "Tailgate Party" or something equally stupid. Since this isn’t a real sport and athleticism means next to nothing, the Champs steal a win, which means Punk is in the Elimination.
Here’s the part where I throw my pen and paper in the air and scream about how the only reason I’m writing this is going to get sent home on the second episode. I was quickly distracted by CM Punk and Bananas yelling at each other. Bananas wrongfully accuses Punk of failing at wrestling and correctly points out his failure in the UFC. Punk correctly points out that Bananas is just a fan and should probably shove it. Bananas is the Internet Wrestling Community of this show. No foreshadowing here.
Right away, the Pros pick Shawne Merriman to battle Punk in Elimination (not chambered), so now I’m frantically trying to think of ways to justify me covering this show once Punk gets obliterated by a giant linebacker and gets booted off the show. On the Champs side, Captain Jordan throws Wes into Elimination, and Wes, never one to shy away from grandiose, possibly really stupid game moves, straight up calls his mortal enemy Bananas out.
The rest of the team agrees that this will be epic since it’s the first time the two of them will face off in an Elimination and votes for Bananas to go in against Wes. Bananas looks like he wants to anger-cry, or maybe poop, but he’s definitely not happy. He hates it when things don’t go his way more than I hate "CM Punk" chants at wrestling shows.
Stayin' Alive
The fun part of this Elimination is, it’s a competition where the two contestants are blindfolded and given sticks. The first person to break two sticks over the other person’s head wins. And it doesn’t even technically have to be their heads, just any part of their body. I could watch people do this for hours at a time. I want this in the Olympics. It should be bigger than football and baseball combined.
Anyway, CM Punk gets popped first, so if he doesn’t hit the next two in a row to win. He does, I still can’t believe he did, and sends the NFL Pro home. Lots of people can beat Punk in physical competitions, but he’s untouchable with Twitter and sticks. Just ask Paul Heyman.
Stunning me, my wife, and ESPECIALLY Johnny Bananas, Wes does the same thing to him that Punk did to Shawne. He went down one point, then came back and got the next two. Bananas is left speechless which says volumes and tucks his banana between his legs and sad cries home. Every competition or disagreement on television should be solved with blindfolded stick swinging.
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