He’s back! Kind of. This year MTV’s The Challenge is taking a streamlined approach to their long-running murder competition. Have you guys seen this show? MTV takes the most sociopathic cast members from The Real World (and Road Rules, when that was a thing), and pits them against each other for a cash prize of usually like $100,000 or more.
Since they were scraping the bottom of the gene/reality pool, we have a bunch of horrible people being horrible to one another, until they all almost die of alcohol poisoning. Then, if they last the weeks of social torture and some physical challenges, they’re tasked with completing a legitimately terrifying mega obstacle course, sometimes lasting days. Usually, somebody gets inches from death, and it’s super fun to cheer for actual psychopaths to bully the holy hell out of each other.
This year, they’ve set up a sort of mini-camp Challenge, with professional athletes taking on Challenge vets/champions. I’m already selling out half of my soul just by watching the show, but now the other soulless half, the wrestling fan side, is about to get involved and I’m over here throwing popcorn in the air with delight.
CM PUNK is one of the professional athletes! Punk is a notorious hotheaded, jerky, egomaniacal, self-centered, whiny, tattooed butthole. He’s also a hell of an athlete and competitor, so I can’t think of a better pro cast member that will fit right in.
The Champions:
Johnny Bananas - He’s won like 6 challenges, but he’s mostly known for being a manipulative bully. He’s the worst. Good at competitions, though.
Camilla - She’s won like 1 or 2, she’s a vet, and she has a secret bully-mode called The Camillanator. I think she runs on booze.
CT - He’s won 2, most recently the one that just ended last week. Recently became a dad and was romantically linked to the only cast member ever to have her entire soul intact, Diem. I like CT.
Ashley K - She has 1 win, from Battle of the Seasons. Coincidentally, that’s the season where The Miz got one of his wins, so I feel like they might have just been handing out trophies that year.
Ashley M - Fresh off her first win on the one that ended last week, she used her prize money to get new boobs.
Darrell - He’s won 4 times and is a powerhouse in the Eliminations. It’s tough to bet against him.
Wes - He’s won 2 and is also crazy good in eliminations. He’s the mortal enemy of Bananas, so I tend to root for him.
Jordan - He’s won once, has a terrible moustache, and a deformed hand. The hand thing is weird; you would think he’d be garbage at competitions because of it. But the dude works harder than anyone else to get wins, and I respect that. I do not respect anything else about him.
Cara Maria - CM Not Punk only has one win, but she’s a badass in eliminations. She’s adorable, too, but she’s not good at the politics part of the game and has a tendency to fall apart midway.
Veronica - She’s won a bunch, but she hasn’t competed in almost a decade. Spoiler: that’s not okay.
The Pros:
Kamerion Wimbley - Retired NFL linebacker. Seems nice enough.
Lolo Jones - Olympic Hurdler and Bobsledder. Loud and in-your-face. Won’t mix well with others.
Lindsey Jacobellis - Olympic Snowboard medalist. Snowboarders are scared of cement.
Candice Wiggins - Retired WNBA player. Super nice, I like her. She won’t last long with that good attitude of hers.
Louie Vito - Olympic Snowboarder. See previous entry about snowboarders.
Louise Hazel - Heptathlete. That means she does like 7 different track and field things. She’s also British, probably conniving.
Shawne “Lights Out” Merriman - Retired NFL linebacker. Seems nice enough, also.
Gus Kenworthy - Olympic Ski Medalist. Crossed LoLo early, probably a bad move.
Tia Blanco - World Champion surfer. Sweet, brah.
CM Punk - Former pro wrestler/UFC fighter. The entire reason I’m writing about this and not just enjoying the chaos like a normal person.
The Challenge: Dopes on ropes
This weeks challenge is a thing where the teams have to swing across the ocean from platform to platform, about 50 feet up, using small ropes. The team captain of the winning team is safe and gets money for their charity (I forgot to mention they’re playing for charities of their choice, but to be fair, they almost forgot to mention it, too). They also get to pick someone from their team to go into Elimination. The losing team captain just automatically gets put into Elimination.
But wait, there’s more! The teams will be fighting themselves in Elimination. Meaning, after the team captain from the winning team, picks someone, the rest of the team votes on who will face them. The losing team votes on who will face the losing team’s captain. Two people will be eliminated each episode, one from the Pros, and one from the Champs. This week is a Women’s elimination.
So Ashley M is the Champs captain, and Louise is the Pros captain.
Since the Pros are actual athletes, they win pretty easily, automatically sending Ashley M to Elimination, while Louise gets money for her charity. Later, Candice straight up VOLUNTEERS to go into Elimination (Veteran tip: never volunteer for anything), so Louise is off the hook there. Not only that, but the team decides to draw names out of a hat, or more accurately, limes with names written on them. This is where we learn that Louise is a master manipulator, hinting that there’s a good chance she picked Tia’s lime but said Lolo’s name. No one questioned it, because why would they?
Lolo doesn’t question it, but she’s livid that she has to go in because she might not win money for her charity. You know, they way competitive games with prize money for charities work.
Also read: 5 of CM Punk’s best rivalries
Women’s Elimination: Ashley M vs. Veronica/Lolo vs. Candice
The Elimination this week is called “Pull No Punches.” Basically, you punch and kick holes into a wall and use the holes to climb the wall and ring the bell.
Ashley M gets a good lead on Veronica but falls before reaching the top. This doesn’t really matter because Veronica forgot to practise anything during her almost-decade away. Ashley scrambles up and wins, sending Veronica home. Sure, whatever, I’m fine with that.
Lolo absolutely smokes Candice, which is a shame because Candice seemed like a genuinely good person who just wanted to have fun and get money for her charity. Lolo doesn’t give a howdy-do about other people’s charities. She will most likely make the most enemies this side of the Champs who, may I remind you, are more or less terrible people.
CM Punk was barely in this episode, save making what was probably an oral sex joke, but maybe a cocaine joke. I’m gonna pretend it was a cocaine joke because that’s funnier to me since he’s straight edge and all. Hopefully, next week he gets more than 20 seconds of air time.
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