Things to do in Texas when you're a Deadman
The Undertaker is a legend. A phenom. THE Phenom. Respected and feared. He’s held all sorts of shiny belts and defeated the most dangerous opponents in history, during his illustrious career. Dude basically runs the WWE locker room, and his presence is felt, even when he’s not there.
But what does he actually DO when he’s not choke slamming goobers in a WWE ring?
Especially since he’s got a lot more down time these days. He shows up once or twice a year to enamour fans and strike fear into the heart, of whoever dares challenge The Deadman that year. He spends about a half an hour training for the match and then a few months walking to the ring. Or vice versa.
They both feel like they take about the same amount of time.
Then what? Does he ride the bus to get groceries (probably not)? Does he have trouble figuring out the TV remote without the help of his children (almost definitely)? Does he hibernate until the next Wrestlemania cycle (no. that’s ridiculous)? So let’s strap ourselves into a comfy cross-like emblem, peer six feet deep and explore the life of a dead man...
WWE Supernatural Superstars: They’re just like us!
Just like us “normies,” The Undertaker has to do the basic human stuff. Unlike us UNsuperstars, he has to these things just to maintain his human form. Which means he basically does the same things you and I do to stay alive, he just does them with a little more underground pizazz.
Like, of course, he eats food, but does he eat regular people food? Yes. Stop asking stupid questions.
He’s super into bison burgers and Buffalo wings (mild), and considers himself somewhat of a grilled cheese aficionado, claiming once to have made a version of the classic Kid’s Menu staple with 66 different cheeses. But living as a partially dead MMA fan, he’s also in need of certain dietary restrictions and nutritional supplements.
He’s on a strict low sodium/high fibre regimen, and the less caffeine he gets, the better. The most important thing, though, like Gremlins serious, is that he consumes at least 1.78 gallons of Selaginella Lepidophylla a day. It’s a desert plant with mystical powers, and he usually just mixes this up with a strawberry protein shake in the morning.
He doubles up on match days.
And before you ask, Yes, he does sleep in a coffin, although not the kind you’re thinking of. Undie doesn’t sleep in a regular old Dracula-style coffin or anything ridiculous like that. His “coffin” is more like a castle-wide room under the floorboards, with uncomfortably low ceilings.
Did you ever see True Blood? It’s kinda like what Bill Compton had set up in the old farmhouse, but for the modern era. It’s tricked out like crazy, with a 4D Sony TV, surround sound, an electric eel aquarium embedded in one of the walls, and a dorm fridge to keep his beer and mortal souls cold.
Since the ceiling is so low, the only way to get around is to crawl, so the entire floor is padded. Mostly with recycled mats that his brother Kane ruined, by crawling up from Hell, but they’re still nice, he’s got a great “mat guy”.