The Undertaker is a legend. A phenom. THE Phenom. Respected and feared. He’s held all sorts of shiny belts and defeated the most dangerous opponents in history, during his illustrious career. Dude basically runs the WWE locker room, and his presence is felt, even when he’s not there.
But what does he actually DO when he’s not choke slamming goobers in a WWE ring?
Especially since he’s got a lot more down time these days. He shows up once or twice a year to enamour fans and strike fear into the heart, of whoever dares challenge The Deadman that year. He spends about a half an hour training for the match and then a few months walking to the ring. Or vice versa.
They both feel like they take about the same amount of time.
Then what? Does he ride the bus to get groceries (probably not)? Does he have trouble figuring out the TV remote without the help of his children (almost definitely)? Does he hibernate until the next Wrestlemania cycle (no. that’s ridiculous)? So let’s strap ourselves into a comfy cross-like emblem, peer six feet deep and explore the life of a dead man...
WWE Supernatural Superstars: They’re just like us!
Just like us “normies,” The Undertaker has to do the basic human stuff. Unlike us UNsuperstars, he has to these things just to maintain his human form. Which means he basically does the same things you and I do to stay alive, he just does them with a little more underground pizazz.
Like, of course, he eats food, but does he eat regular people food? Yes. Stop asking stupid questions.
He’s super into bison burgers and Buffalo wings (mild), and considers himself somewhat of a grilled cheese aficionado, claiming once to have made a version of the classic Kid’s Menu staple with 66 different cheeses. But living as a partially dead MMA fan, he’s also in need of certain dietary restrictions and nutritional supplements.
He’s on a strict low sodium/high fibre regimen, and the less caffeine he gets, the better. The most important thing, though, like Gremlins serious, is that he consumes at least 1.78 gallons of Selaginella Lepidophylla a day. It’s a desert plant with mystical powers, and he usually just mixes this up with a strawberry protein shake in the morning.
He doubles up on match days.
And before you ask, Yes, he does sleep in a coffin, although not the kind you’re thinking of. Undie doesn’t sleep in a regular old Dracula-style coffin or anything ridiculous like that. His “coffin” is more like a castle-wide room under the floorboards, with uncomfortably low ceilings.
Did you ever see True Blood? It’s kinda like what Bill Compton had set up in the old farmhouse, but for the modern era. It’s tricked out like crazy, with a 4D Sony TV, surround sound, an electric eel aquarium embedded in one of the walls, and a dorm fridge to keep his beer and mortal souls cold.
Since the ceiling is so low, the only way to get around is to crawl, so the entire floor is padded. Mostly with recycled mats that his brother Kane ruined, by crawling up from Hell, but they’re still nice, he’s got a great “mat guy”.
Too Much Horror Business
For a legally deceased dude, The Undertaker keeps darn busy.
He has numerous businesses and extracurricular activities to keep himself occupied, during his off-season (May through February, usually). He’s got four kids so a lot of time is dedicated to grooming them to be an unholy army who will eventually avenge his death.
He spends time with his cool third wife by day tripping around Texas, visiting ghost towns and abandoned churches. He stops by Dippin’ Dots at least once a week.
UT isn’t the type of guy that just hangs out and does The Upside Down touristy stuff. Nah, he does a business, too.
He invested in real estate and construction on property in Loveland, Colorado, which I’m guessing was named in a similar fashion as Greenland. Taker and his partner, Scott Everhart, built The Calahart Building, a 2.7 mil office building. I hear it’s got a great location. Probably near a Dippin’ Dots.
Takesy Wakesy, also has a gift for bottling lightning, how else do you explain the popularity of an evil wizard zombie AND a Kid Rock lovin’ motorcycle enthusiast?
Not to mention all that actual lightning. Well, he decided to try and parlay that success into new success. Using his bottling skills, he set up a bottling plant in a bombed out airplane hangar that used to double as serial killer credit union, of sorts.
Here he bottled beer, pickles, high-end shampoos, kidney stones, mustard, and for a brief period a soda, with those floating candy things in them called Suspension. That was quickly shut down due to a cease and desist order from Orbitz, and the plant was eventually shut down by the inspector. Something about low-grade mustard seeds.
Wrestling In Peace
Ok, fine, ya got me. Yeah, Undertaker wrestles in his spare time, too. Of course, he does, but don’t we all in some way? Taker doesn’t just wrestle in the running DDT, Old School, Tombstone way, either, but in the same ways us civilians do. Instead of wrestling Greenwich blue-bloods and boiler room novelists, he wrestles with emotions.
Takerberry has feelings just like a real live boy.
He wrestles with his past, obviously, with the death of his parents and manager/step-dad Paul Bearer. He wrestles with his conscience because it was almost definitely him who killed his parents and scarred his little brother mentally and physically.
He wrestles with his demons to keep his mind sharp, and he wrestles with his shadow to keep his body fit. He wrestles with his weight, as all men his age do. He’s even currently wrestling for control of the Corporate Ministry, which is still a functioning entity, and even though these days it doesn’t have the global reach it once did, it’s still quite profitable.
He also wrestled a fat bear named Dignity, once, but that was just for his daughter’s 8th birthday.
Running for funsies
Running isn’t fun. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. But I guess it’s good for your health and crap, so professional athletes sometimes do it. Sometimes old men who hate going out into public get tricked by their significant other to do it, because they just got a cute little jogging outfit and they want to show it off AND spend a day together.
I don’t know. I don’t even like WALKING to help raise money to fight a disease that my wife actually has, so running isn’t even on my radar.
But The Undertaker did it. More than once, even.
His wife Michelle McCool is into doing “family” stuff. That means no satan stuff on the weekends. Her idea of fun is running, which sounds super demonic to me but whatever. Taker loves his third wife the most, so he goes along, sometimes with Mark Henry, obviously, so he’s not the last WWE Superstar to cross the finish line.
Letters to Kane
While Undertaker may not be exactly like you and I, he’s still a loving husband and father, a wonderful son, a model employee, and a loving brother.
His relationship with Kane is a lot like The Cyclone in Coney Island: It has certainly had a lot of ups and downs, sometimes you have to wait in line for it, the whole time you’re thinking “Oh, I could actually die on this thing,” and it’s, uh, made of wood.
One of Under’s favourite pastimes is correspondence. It just helps him feel connected when he’s at home replacing his bones with those of fallen warriors and unlucky time travelling dinosaurs. His favourite person to write to is Kane, but before his death earlier this year, he wrote to Angus Scrimm of Phantasm fame a few times a year.
It was your typical fan mail, although there were more than a couple instances when he would inquire where to buy those little Gravers he was always running around with. Scrimm even wrote back, twice! Although the second one seemed to strongly suggest NOT writing him any more letters.
But he still writes to Kane! He tries to write once a week, sometimes twice. Through my research, I was able to track down Kane at his vacation home in Red Hook, and he showed me a recent letter he had received from his brother:
“Dear Kane, How are you? I’m good, a little sore from the gym, but hey, I’m still alive! Sorta! Oh man, have you seen Walking Dead lately? Soooo dumb, I hate Rick and his dumb kid so much. I really hope Daryl turns heel and Negan just Cactus Jacks everybody’s dumb, stupid head.
Glen’s eye made me LOL in real life, though! Anyway, Kaia’s bugging me for a ride on the Porcusnake, so I gotta bounce. Miss you, bro! Love, UT
P.S. Say “Hi” to Randy for me.”
It’s a nice peek into the mind of a normal family man, who may or may not have undead lightning powers. And possible connections to the devil himself. Also, Fred Durst.
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