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Total Divas ep. 613: She can't see him

Bad news for Paige on wrestling's premiere non-wrestling show. Renee gets drunk and Zack Ryder sees Maryse naked.

Feature 21 Apr 2017, 15:10 IST
The Miz does a great Cena impression. He should work that in somewhere

Previously on this show: Maryse got ketchup in her hair and Renee was confused about Lady and the Tramp.

Right off the bat, we get the Bella twins, after them not being in the previews at all. This is important because how would we know that Brie and Nikki are still alive? Today at lunch they discuss what Brie will have on her salad.

That is literally the most exciting part of their conversation, which also hovers around vaginas and Brie possibly not doing sex correctly so that she may conceive. Oh, and my favourite Bella trope, them not understanding words, what they mean, or how they work. 

Seriously, how did they figure out how to make those topics boring? And is there any way we can get them to do it across two separate television shows? 

Yeesh, that’s rough. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so mean to the Bellas since immediately following them is human Potter villain, Mark Carrano. He’s uncharacteristically happy because he gets to give Eva Marie good news for once! The news is ”You are doing your job tonight,” which I guess is pretty good if you haven’t been allowed to do it yet.

I’m curious to see what MC Banality thinks is so exciting and will “set her apart from the everybody else.” He’s really excited about it. So is Eva, obviously, but I think Mark is secretly in love with Eva. He is so over the moon that he gets to tell her to do her job instead of what he usually does: crap on women’s dreams.

Although, now that I think about it, he has the same dumb look on his face when he does that, too.

Also backstage, Miz tries to solve the case of Is My Wife Blind? because it’s either that, or she’s illiterate. She claims to be able to read 3 different languages but I’ve seen no proof. Also, Miz made the “That’s why you married The Miz, you’re blind!” joke before anyone else because he’s better at being funny than 99% of WWE.

Those Real World classes are finally paying off.

So, Mizzy concocts a plan to trick his wife into admitting she can’t see. It works because she’s needed glasses since she was in college and has just refused to wear any corrective accessories. Now, as an adult, she still refuses glasses or contacts. And no way is she getting a laser jammed in her face eyes.

Red and the executioner

Translated from cave writings found in Alaska.

Remember when I said Dr Dementor was excited to tell Eva she was doing her job that night? Turns out her job is literally Not Doing Her Job. Meaning her first storyline is all about how she makes excuses as to why she can’t wrestle each night. Here is the likely scenario for how this came to be:

Eva bugs Mark about being on tv.
Mark loves Eva.
Mark goes to WWE Creative’s office for an update on Eva.
No one is in the office.
Mark panics.
Eva dyes her hair redder.
Mark tracks down Carl from Creative.
Carl tells Mark he didn’t get to Eva’s file yet because he got held up in traffic.
Mark tells Eva that Carl from Creative has a great idea.

Eva has concerns on how this storyline will affect her whole character, as does Fartin’ Natty. I think with the right payoff, Eva Marie could become a huge star. Carmella calls Eva a “fame thirsty wannabe Kardashian” because Carmella thought she was on an episode of Chelsea Lately.

Two episodes ago, Paige went missing after her boyfriend Alberto Del Rio broke up with her. She was M.I.E. (missing in episode) last week, but she’s finally resurfaced. While Roman Reigns is bullying women and foreigners in the ring, like a true babyface, Paige sits down with a fully realised black hole, Mark Carrano.

Paige gets suspended because she failed a drug test. She explains that she passed the drug test, as far as drugs go, but she didn’t do it fast enough. Maybe her pro wrestling boyfriend has some pull backstage and can put in a good w...oh, I forgot. They broke up.

She’s a strong girl, though, so she says she’ll get over this and just do whatever WWE tells her to. This is a very levelheaded decision for such a young girl. She’s got a bright future, I think she’ll be fine.

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