So, we’re like what, three quarters of the way through 2016? That was quicker than a mule riding a jet engine sled down the Olympus Mons with a very aerodynamic helmet. If you know a lot about the Olympus Mons you know that that wouldn’t be that fast, as the slopes are very shallow being a shield volcano and all.
But you don’t need to know very much about jet engines to know they are super fast. And if you take into account the vehicle of a sled vs the severe lack of snow…(Editor’s note: Graham went on for a while here, making little sense, but the gist of it was “2016 went by fairly fast, but not realllly fast.”)
So let us look to the future, while all the other civilians are scrambling to put together their year end Best-Of lists out in time for Halloween, and examine who should wear WWE gold by December 31st, 2017 or at least sometime next year.
Currently we have Kevin Owens as the Universal Champion, New Day as the Raw Tag Team Champions, Charlotte has the Raw Women’s Championship, Rusev wears the United States Championship, AJ has freshly acquired the WWE World Championship, The Miz is holding strong with the Intercontinental Championship and Becky Lynch and Rhyno & Slater are the first Smackdown Women’s and Tag Team champions, respectively.
That’s all well and good, but here is who I would like to see get some belt action and why they deserve to be called the best in their division.
Cesaro - Universal Champion
Look, Cesaro is my favorite wrestler, so I’m pretty biased. He can do things no other man his size can do and he hasn’t even broken out all his tools yet. He is super smart and very funny when he’s just being himself, and he has his own section of the arena.
He can be a good guy or a bad guy but it doesn’t really matter, he is the best wrestler in the world and he deserves to hold the top fashion accessory at some point in his career, so why not soon?
His career so far in WWE has been a depressing amount of false starts, injuries and just bad timing. He was teamed up with Paul Heyman at a time when Heyman was way too busy, he started catching momentum both as a team with Tyson Kidd and as a singles competitor, only to be thwarted both times by injuries.
Right now he’s in an endless feud with Sheamus but those two are so good against each other that I’m still able to enjoy all 346 matches they’ve had already and looking forward to the last 108.
I’d love to see Cesaro take the series and use his “championship opportunity” to set his aim on the Universal Championship.
Bayley - Raw Women’s Championship
Bayley is my heart. I have cried at her matches in NXT, win or lose. I get goosebumps when she makes an entrance after being away for even a short time. I have a set of her headbands that read “I’m A Hugger” because I am an adult man.
The purest Babyface in the world, the love and passion just flows through the crowd and it’s magical every time. Plus, I’m a sucker for Whacky Waving Arms Inflatable Balloon Car Salesmen.
I don’t think it’s a matter of “if” Bayley will be champion someday, it’s more of a “how $!#$!@ng rad will it be?!?!” when she actually does get it. Give it to her at Wrestlemania and see 100,000 people lose their collective minds when a girl who cares so deeply about her chosen field of work wins the big one, for THEM.
Even my good friend Tony Coupons is a Bayley fan and he doesn’t even watch pro wrestling or enjoy hugging. Added bonus if she takes it from a heel Sasha Banks. History is meant to be improved upon.
Bray Wyatt - Intercontinental Championship
Some of you might be saying out loud to nobody “why not the WWE World CHampionship?” and I’ll tell you. No no no, come back, hear me out…
Bray Wyatt is in danger of becoming the biggest missed opportunity in the history of WWE. He’s gold on mic, a tank in the ring, and wholly original in everything else he does. But he never wins, and if he does, it’s not important, he gets trounced in the rematches, or we just straight up forget.
Seriously, how did Kane and Undertaker escape their kidnappings? How did Xavier Woods pull himself out from under his mind control? His last single win was against Xavier Woods in July. Then...nothing. He’s so ineffectual he might as well be a Point Break remake.
He’s steadfast in his opinion that championships don’t matter, but, um, yeah dude, they kinda do.
It’s kind of the entire point to your profession. But I also kind of see what he’s getting at and it could be cool if he did it right. I’d like to see Luke Harper and Erick Rowan get the Tag belts and have Bray swipe the IC belt, then have the Family turn their sites on the World Champ.
Notice I said “champion” and not “championship.” Take out whoever’s at the top, kidnap them FOR REALSIES, dispose of them AND the belt, then sit upon your rocking throne and rule over the Smackdown Live peasants!
Thus proving that the most important title is useless, but keeping the rest for him and his family. And let’s get a Sister Abigail in there to infect the Women’s Division, while we’re at it.
Jack Gallagher - Cruiserweight Championship
Jackie Boy! You have no idea how excited I am for Manchester, England’s Jack Gallagher to hit the Raw roster. If you’ve been following the Cruiserweight Classic tournament on the WWE Network then you probably know how amazing the wrestlers who have been in it are.
When the division hits Raw it’s gonna be such a cool boost of wrestling styles and characters and I think even casual fans will immediately take notice.
Gallagher wears rainbow on black trunks, can put you in holds that defy physics, and will reversal you so fast you’ll forget how to use pants. The tournament has been so good, across the board, and the good news is, even when the CWC is over, a solid handful of these guys are gonna be on Raw very soon.
But the magical little Brit with the magical little mustache is MY. DUDE. I have never become so smitten with a wrestler so quickly like I have with Jack Gallagher of Hufflepuff House.
Raw got pretty lucky with that one.
Rusev - United States Championship
I know, I know, “Rusev already has the US Championship, what’s the point? Shut up, Graham, you’re stupid.” Honestly, I really just wanna see him fulfill his self-inflicted destiny of reigning supreme for 7 years, and to do that he would have to hold the belt for the entirety of 2017. So there ya go.
Plus, Rusev is just misunderstood. Long gone are his shoeless maulings of undercard goofs and his irrational anger towards 2X4s with names scrawled on them. These days he’s just proud of his heritage and likes to celebrate his love of a beautiful woman. He’s also super into team sports. You’d think Americans would be fully on his side but i guess he’s loud and passionate, he has what some may consider an annoying accent, and he crushes his opposition consistently and thoroughly. Wait, how come Americans aren’t completely behind Rusev?
Baron Corbin and Apollo Crews - Smackdown Tag Team Champions
One of them is an extremely athletic flippity do guy who can’t stop smiling or spelling, the other is a part wolf (?) brawler who can’t stop brooding and may or may not know how to spell. I have no evidence either way. Together they’re the classic Odd Couple!
Their team name could be Wolf Crew or Silent But Smiley or The CC Devilles or Nailbomb (I just like the name “Nailbomb.” Great metal band).
Bottom line is, these two guys both need direction and making them a risible mixmatch that could actually get the job done would be a great way to showcase their legit skills.
Give me the apprehensively lighthearted side of Corbin, show me that opposites attract, let me see ANYTHING from Crews besides his teeth. WWE loves cornball teams and so do I.
Alright, that’s what I got for next year. Envision the future, look to the skies, be the ball. Or Tony Coupons will call you names like a sled-ridin’, planet-hoppin’, science-rocketeerin’ government shaped mule. Not me, I’m a nice guy, but T-Coups can be a real Corbin sometimes.
What makes Sting special? His first AEW opponent opens up RIGHT HERE.
