WWE News: Eva Marie changes hair colour, keeps nation on toes

That was a scary few days! Last week Eva Marie shocked the world by colouring her hair dark brown. Dark Brown?!?! A peasants colouring! Puh-shaw and flam flooey and the like! The WWE Universe was left in a state of uncertainty and under a dark cloud made of 3 letters and a punctuation: why?

Known for being not just a red-head, but for being the absolute reddest-headed former Diva/current Superstar, her entire character is based around her electric fire engine hued hair. Her clothes are red, her aforementioned hair shines the colour of “stop.” Her eyes are like pomegranate, her nails have a disturbing cherry-flavored Runts glow and I think her skin is even the colour of The Devil’s blood through a reflexive property, but I’m not great at maths.

Little known facts about All Red Everything from Concord (ironically whose grapes of the same name are blue), she only eats red food, her favorite band is the Red Hot Chili Peppers, she prefers The Red Baron over Snoopy, and her least favorite Tom Hanks movie is The Man With One Red Shoe, but that’s only because all he had was one red shoe and not all the red shoes.

And while being much smarter than most people give her credit for, she still gets confused about how books work. So, yeah, her All Red Everything moniker wasn’t just a hastily thrown together name-phrase, a family name, or shopping list. It really means something, to her and her fans. To her fans, yes, but especially her.

Bottom line: she super likes the colour red. Recently she was suspended from WWE for 30 days due to a wellness policy infraction and everyone was worried how this would affect the Eternally Beguiling One. So it came as a gut punch when she posted this online…

JIMMINY JILLICKERS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???

What did this mean? Who’s idea was it? Is she going to dye it back to its natural form? Is that even possible? Is that the REAL Eva Marie? If it is, why is she doing this to us???

Someone stop this

....

I don’t have the answers to those questions, honestly who could, but i do have answers to questions not asked, and isn’t that really what Eva Marie is all about? After doing some sleuthing I discovered that she’s actually in the Bahamas filming Total Divas and I have good news...

That’s a relief, am I right? At least now we know that upon her return to WWE her body has the strength to withstand at least two dye jobs in less than a month. I really should have known this was the case because in 1981 Dennis Rodman famously had a different hair dye job for EACH QUARTER of a single game against the Springfield Timecops. If they had the technology then, of course, they would maybe have an improved science table or whatever today!

Greatest Basketball Hair of all time? That day, it was.

Twice as red.

“But wait, that’s not ALL red!” and you’re right. It’s only mostly red. But Eva works on Eva time. Her red molecules are so strong they make John Cena’s healing molecules look like UNhealing molecules. And then things took a turn for the even redder.

That’s better! Looks like we’re all set for a fantastically charismatic All Red Eva when she returns to my, or any, arena.

Oh, also, she was in Exuma filming for Total Divas with Maryse and The Miz, who were decidedly NOT all red, she saw some sharks and water and beaches and sand and The Miz and sand sharks and probably water sharks. And now I’m thinking if she’s currently serving a suspension from WWE why is she filming footage for WWE? That just doesn’t seem right and now I’m kinda mad so I’m gonna go listen to Blue by The Jesus Lizard in protest.