The problem with watching 700 hours of wrestling a day is that everything kind of starts to blend together. The problem with getting older is the blending happens much quicker. By the time Raw started I was having trouble remembering what Backlash was even named, let alone who wrestled. Reddit.com user, darthcoulson, has decided to make my life more difficult by LITERALLY blending the faces of the wrestlers that competed at Backdraft into each other.
But honestly, the results are pretty cool. Some are jarring, some are funny, and some are quite fetching. Here’s a look at a few of Darth Coulson of Reddit’s creations, you can find the rest here: http://imgur.com/a/6ZRmX
1- AJ Styles meets Dean Ambrose
Pretty great main event the other night, that’s for sure. Although honestly, I thought Wack-a-Dean should have held the belt a little longer as he was just getting his footing as the champ. But AJ is on the hottest of fire, and Backslide was a mission statement for Smackdown Live.
I’m not sure what it was, I think maybe something like “the new guys are taking over!”, but I’m sure that will change yesterday and we’ll be back to John Cena winning everything all the time just in time to win all the belts on Raw AND Smackdown by the time Wrestlemania shows up. Becky Lynch is gonna be so bummed.
Anyway, this mashup, who no one ever thought would be in the WWE is pretty great. The face doesn’t change all that much (white people, amirite?) but the coolest part is the top hair. While DA’s hair is rushing away from his eyebrows, AJ’s hair is screaming to get the party his face hair is throwing. This turns into a perfect rendition of a late 80s skateboarder’s hair-do after attempting a switch heelflip down 13 steps dozens of times. This is a look teenage ‘me’ is very familiar with.
2- Erick Rowan meets Sheamus
This one is so red I feel like Eva Marie is standing behind me. I’m glad Sheamus dropped the Viking face-braids that may have been a layover from his work in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie, I’m not sure. It’s hard to fit Michael Bay movies into that extra couple of hours a day. But that mohawk is tight and I don’t care what you say, I was born when punk rock peaked, so I’m right.
This one isn’t from the Backburner PPV but it was obviously too good to pass up. The gingerbread has an ebb and flow to it that is absolutely entrancing, Like if you stare at it long enough, a scooner will appear. The mohawk has been dumbed down a little bit to resemble what your drunk aunt would get in an attempt to seem cool.
Also, I’m not a big fan of septum piercings but I have enough poor jewelry choices in my past to know not to throw stones. I just can’t wrap my head around wearing one into combative entertainment situations, seems like a good way to get cheap nose surgery, or at the very least it’s a shiny target for their opponent.
3- Bray Wyatt meets Randy Orton
Well, we didn’t get this match at Backfat which is a shame, because I was looking forward it. But Randy’s still shaking of the Brockwebs from his head so Big Daddy Kane handed Bray yet another loss at a PPV and I don’t even know anymore...I’m just gonna sit down right here and wait for the buzzards to circle back. I’m tired of chasing them at this point.
Let’s address the elephant in the room, though. When you combine their mugs you get Fat Fandango. I like to imagine he and Tyler Breeze had a falling out over the new fall line of boot accessories. Fanny D was like “these fluffy boot protectors would look breathtaking in autumn colors, just in time to match the mountains of Vermont during peak fall season.” and Breeze was all “That’s ridiculous, they have to match our ring gear, you stupid uggo.
Not trees on mountains. Trees are only good for making selfie-sticks. Go back to Uggoland, you filthy uggo!” Then Dango Unchained got super depressed and let himself go, eating only the worst flavored Doritos and drinking only the cheapest malt liquor. I know this is similar to what happened with Cody Rhodes but here there’s a great opportunity to have corporate tie-ins with flavor dust covered chips.
4- Jimmy Uso meets Jey Uso
THE USO. Finally get to see what this recently turned team of The Rock’s cousins would look like if they weren’t twins! Before I had to use my Imaginarium pod to even get an idea of what these two jumping guys would look like as one entity. The closest I got was one time when they were facing each other and talking about basketball or something.
The downside of this becoming a reality is we lose a prominent tag team when we need them the most, and what, are we gonna call them The Uso? That feels weird on my mouth tongue. is it even “them” or is it “he?” The Uno might be fun for the first hour of an episode of Raw, or go with a DC Supervillain reference and call it One Face, because there is only one face to look at now, and it’s less confusing and better than calling them “Left and Right.”
Seriously though, I’m pretty happy they dropped the paint and dancing in favor of the slightly less happy thug look. NOW QUIT BEING MEAN TO MY AMERICAN ALPHAS AND WE’LL BE COOL.
5- Alexa Bliss, Naomi, Nikki Bella, Carmella and Natalya meet Becky Lynch
These women put on one of the best matches of the year at Backcountry, with Becky Lynch being crowned the first ever Smackdown Women’s Champion. Pretty cool for the Irish lass, and they all looked beautiful during the match. When you smash two dudes’ faces together you usually get something that resembles Date Night Sloth from The Goonies or something equally cool but not great to look at.
Even when it’s two very pretty men getting smashings, they tend to get pretty unappealing to look at. This mega-morph of faces belong to wrestlers that are not only very nice to look at, but it also exposes very few flaws. The fact that 6 of them being mashed together should, by all intents and purposes, turn into something that looks like you said a bunch of words written in a dead language standing in the basement of an abandoned factory that made toys that had to be recalled because they kept killing children in mysterious ways while you wear robes of questionable colors with...*gasp*... take a breath, Graham...
So, yeah, how did this one turn out so, for a lack of a better word, pretty? It has almost a ghostly feel to it but the kind of ghost that’s cool and will have tea with you and protect your home with pleasant smells instead of trying to fill your pants with ectoplasm and drag you underneath the ring where Hornswoggle still lives (probably).
I guess girls are just symmetrically superior or something. Maybe their DNA is more susceptible to this kind of dark magic. But what would we call such a creation? Nataomliss Ellacky? Bemiss Cabelya? Heather?
6- Slater meets Rhyno
Yes! This is the one I’ve been waiting for since before I even knew I wanted it. At Backpeddle, Heath Slater and Rhyno became the first ever Smackdown Tag Team champions and Heath got a contract (and a sweet new shirt). This made me very happy. There was only one thing about their newfound respect and/or love for each other I wasn’t 100% behind.
For the past few weeks I’ve been setting up gofundme, Kickstarter, IndieGoGo and MoveOn.org accounts, White House petitions, and even reached out to PunkVoter, who were really no help at all, all in an attempt to get Heath and The Manbeast to name their tag team name to the best name ever: One Man Gore.
And guess what? One Man Gore can be shortened to OMG! You know how WWE has their OMG! Moments, broken down into lists and often found on The Network? Well, every single thing this team does could then be considered an OMG Moment. Rhyno gores the knickers off an opponent? OMG Moment. Heath talks about how many kids he has? OMG Moment. Air guitar spot? OMG Moment. Rhyno and Slater hang out in a double-wide? OMG Moment. Rhyno eats chips? NUMBER ONE OMG MOMENT OF THE YEAR.
The problem, as many kept pointing out, was that the “One” part of OMG was false because there are two of them. I tried to rationalize that only one of the two “gored” people so it made sense but in my heart, I knew my perfect name was flawed. Enter Darth Coulson. He solved that problem in one fell swoop of his morphing wand and BLAMMO! One Man Gore (OMG!) is made whole. Done and done.
So shout-out to Reddit user Darth Coulson for making my dreams, and nightmares, a reality. Seriously, writing this conjured up so many horror movie memories that my wife is starting to worry.
What makes Sting special? His first AEW opponent opens up RIGHT HERE.
