Bridging Shane Watson's concentration gap: the Chris Rogers plan
DISCLAIMER: The article is written with levity, and hence, it should be taken with a pinch (nope, a bowl) of salt.
News from the Aussie camp in Nottingham is that old new boy, Chris Rogers, is in awe of Twatto‘s strokeplay and the ease with which he [occasionally] scores, but believes that his new opening partner needs to focus on his concentration. Rogers, God that he is, has a plan to help Twatto with this lack of concentration and, let’s face it, Twatto needs all the help he can get.
So, my Dustbin gnomes have been at it again – they’ve infiltrated the Aussie team hotel and have done a quick copy of Rogers’ list of things he can do to help Twatto
be generally less shit maintain his concentration.
Note that this is just a transcription of things on a scrap piece of paper found in Rogers’ hotel room, so there are some personal thoughts included.
Ways to keep Blonde twat focused during Ashes tests and try to minimise shame:
- build a rapport with one another off-the-field by having a couple of drinks together (ye gads!) and chatting movies and shit (consider pretending to love Pretty Woman as much as he does if absolutely necessary)
- communicate as much as possible on the field (stick to one syllable words)
- put chocolate on the ball once/if he gets passed 40 so he won’t stop looking at it and might hit the fucker occasionally
- promise to share smarties at lunch break if shitness is kept to a minimum (remember the blue ones make him a bit hyperactive; could be positive – help communication?? make me want to attack him withbat!)
- ask Pup for stress leave between tests
- during nets session, remind Shane what a bat is remind him what it is used for
- teach him to count beyond 47 (might need more time!!)
- build time machine, go back in time and hurt person who initially encouraged him to go into playing professionally
Shit, this is useless …
Scrap the above, this is the new number one priority:
PRAY NEVER TO GET SELECTED AGAIN AS LONG AS TWATTO IS!!!
Thereyou have it. It’s not pretty, but Chris knows his shit so I wouldn’t argue with him.