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Satire : England Batsmen Considered a Walkout

1.80K   //    23 Nov 2012, 15:27 IST

Haryana v England: Tour Match - Day Four

Alastair Cook lost the toss yet again, and Dhoni chose to bat. Cook was visibly distraught but the match had to go on and England had to win or at least force a draw to stay afloat in the series.

We managed to get a sneak peek into the discussion that ensued in the dressing room post the toss, thanks to a hidden camera. Here are the excerpts.


Cook walked back into the dressing room, to find Nick Compton padding up, and Swann, Panesar watching videos of Shaun Udal bamboozling the Indians in the Mumbai test of  2006.

Cook: Umm, What are you doing guys?

Compton: Pad up captain, This test match is going to be ours (Pointing to Panesar and Swann)

Cook: Ok, This might be a bit disappointing, but I have lost the toss again. And, umm, we are bowling again.

Entire Team (In Unison): Oh, Not Again.

Cook: Yes, It Is Again. Buckle up. We have a long day coming up.

Trott: No problem, Captain. Any changes to their team? I heard that their fast bowler is unfit?

Cook: Oh yes, I forgot about that. Bhajji is in their team instead of Umesh Yadav. Alright guys get ready. I want you on the field in 10mins. We need to get started with our warm-ups.


Compton, Trott, KP, Bairstow and Samit Patel huddling up.

Compton: Guys, did you hear that. Bhajji is back, which means India is playing with 3 spinners.

KP: Wrong, 4. You forgot Yuvraj Singh. His pies are no longer delicious.

Trott: Last I heard, Bhajji has transformed into a batsman, who can bowl a bit of medium pace. How true are those rumours?

Bairstow: Oh Not at all. He is still a spinner. Ask me (Memories of WC T-20 come back to haunt him)

KP: At least, he bowls with his right hand.

Compton: Guys, you don’t get my point. Do we really need to do this?

Trott: What do you mean?

Compton: Why don’t we walk out of the match? I don’t see anything positive turning out of this endeavor.

Patel: I don’t see what the big fuss is about, Indian spinners are easy to handle.

The rest: That is because you didn’t bother to face their spinners. Getting out to pace twice in succession in India. That’s worse mate.


Patel walks away to the ground. Andy Flower faints on seeing Patel being the first to turn up for the warm-ups.

Swann and Panesar, meanwhile, were off the TV sets. They were last seen fiddling in their bags and unpacking a few posters.


Trott : Common Nicky, we were the World No.1 team few months ago. We don’t back out from any challenge.

KP: Yes, exactly. Don’t worry Nicky, we braved the likes of Saeed Ajmal for three tests in a row. This is nothing. Moreover, Bhajji is not a left arm bowler.

Bairstow : But he is a spinner, which means he bowls slow. And last time he played against us, he took 4-12.  That still gives me nightmares.

Trott: He is actually right. On second thoughts, this will be a lost cause I believe. I mean we couldn’t do much against Ojha and Ashwin, and now we have Harbhajan Singh added to the equation.

Compton: Don’t forget Yuvraj Singh. And Sehwag, Kohli and Sachin can roll their arms and bowl slow if needed. I repeat, Lets walk out guys. They have an Army of Spinners.

KP: We have Cook.

They looked at each other, and with a nervous confidence they walked out of the dressing room, through a series of “All Hail Shaun Udal” posters.


This piece of work is purely fictional and there was no Sting Operation in place. The English batsmen are playing the match, there are no Shuan Udal posters in the English dressing room and Harbhajan Singh is still an Off-Spinner. 

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