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Satire: England defend their performance against lowly New Zealand

A humourous take on England's humiliating loss to New Zealand.

Eoin Morgan
Eoin Morgan looks dejected after his dismissal

England today lost their 2nd World Cup pool game against a rampaging New Zealand in Wellington.

Speaking at the post-match press conference, coach Peter Moores said it wasn’t all that bad.

“We only lost by 8 wickets. That’s clearly better than losing by 9 wickets or even 10 really. I once heard that Pakistan lost an ODI by 13 wickets, but I’m a little vague on the details.”

When asked if it was acceptable to be bowled out for only 123, batting coach Mark Ramprakash had this to say:

“I was brought in to replace Graeme Gooch and make an impact. I think it’s fair to say that I have. You guys are just choosing to focus on the fact that it’s a negative impact. I think your reporting is biased.”

Captain Eoin Morgan also fronted the throbbing media contingent.

“I think today was a success personally. From a batting perspective, I made 17. I’ve never made a prime number score before. Mathematicians tell me that scoring 17 is infinity better than a duck. That’s an awesome step forward. From a fielding perspective, I knew when to make all the right moves.

“Once Finn had conceded 46 from his first two overs, I instinctively knew to get him off. Not everyone would have sensed that if a bowler allows 50% of his balls to go for six that they should be removed from the attack.

“That’s a win for us I reckon. We also bowled a maiden. I realise the New Zealand High Court have launched a spot-fixing inquiry because of it, but I sense we’re clean.”

Interested onlooker Kevin Pietersen, who had travelled all the way from Pietermaritzburg in South Africa was also supportive.

“I hear the vibe in the dressing room is just top notch. They clearly have left out match winners like Jade Dernbach to ensure that everyone is feeling swell. Winning really should be a secondary consideration to that.”

Others were not so conciliatory. The Welsh Cricket Association suggested that it may be time for a change.

“Look, the reality is that England cannot keep expecting us to prop them up. The arrogant bastards don’t even acknowledge us in their name. We’ll probably split from them and compete in the next World Cup by ourselves.

“England are so bad now that our current support levels can’t help them retain their place as the best team from the UK. The Shetland Islands have even overtaken them.”

ICC CEO David Richardson took the opportunity to reiterate why the 2019 World Cup will only be fought over by 10 teams.

“The reality is that associate nations lead to uneven contests. Today’s match in New Zealand highlights that our analysis and decision-making is clearly correct.”

Kiwi paceman Tim Southee said he was surprised to take 7 wickets.

“You know, when I saw the batting line up, I set myself for a 10-wicket haul. It just didn’t work out for me today. I’m sure I’ll bounce back in our next match. We really believed that we could get them to follow on.”

Cricket Australia also chimed in from Sydney.

“We have asked the ICC if the Ashes have to be played between us and England. We are hoping to hear back that we can play slightly better nations like Djibouti or Maldives. It’s what our fans want.”

Paul Downton, ECB Managing Director said the whole reaction has been misplaced.

“The reality is that we are currently ranked 7th in our group. FIFA have England ranked a lowly 15th in football. We never hear any anything about that. 7th is like double better than 15th.”

Finally, Channel Nine statistician Max Kruger had his say.

“I can’t even explain this graph to my grand kids. England have broken cricket”.

NOTE: The quotes in this article are fake and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

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