Satire: England v South Africa - The build up!

Much has been spoken about this South Africa tour of England. What people don’t know is that the ICC officials had a long meeting before going ahead with the tour. Apparently, the ICC’s think-tank had almost decided not to bestow ‘International’ status for the matches looking at the number of South Africans in the English line-up. So, why didn’t they go ahead and call it a ‘domestic tour’?

Well apparently, the BCCI didn’t approve of it. They do have a say in every decision that the ICC takes, you know. This led to a few people raising their eyebrows. What does the BCCI have to do with England and South Africa? How does it even matter to them? A reliable source from the BCCI told us that Andy Flower accompanied by Andrew Strauss personally visited India and requested MS Dhoni for this favor. Remember the Ian Bell incident? Dhoni shook hands again and said, ‘Well, of course’.

Once the tour was announced, preparations had begun in both camps. Every player knew that the result would largely depend on which South African unit would choke first. Alastair ‘Cook’ had also stopped watching the ‘Masterchef’ shows in order to concentrate on the high-profile tour. Ravi Bopara turned the dressing room into a mini-temple. For once, there was no racism in the English land.

Hashim Amla denied it when he was offered a chance to be the brand ambassador of ‘Dabur Amla hair oil’. Steyn also practiced yawning in the nets so that he can use it as a send-off whenever he gets a wicket. de Villiers kept three stumps with him everywhere, in his dressing room, in that cricket kit of his, in the team hotel. Apparently, he thought he would enjoy ‘keeping wickets’ regularly.

Just two days before the start of the tour, the BCCI announced the probables for the World T20 that would be happening in Sri Lanka this September. And to everybody’s surprise, Yuvraj Singh – who recently battled cancer – was included in the list. ‘That makes us one bowler short’, said Andrew Strauss looking at Stuart Broad’s mental condition. However, Kevin Pietersen tried to lift the spirits by making fun of the pie-chucker.

So, what does the tour have in store for us? Primarily, rain. Kevin Pietersen and the IPL fans know how stubborn the English Cricket Board is. Else, they could have played this series in South Africa and enjoyed favorable weather. However, Cricket South Africa is very different compared to the ECB. They’ve planned to motivate their players by organizing a ‘dressing room awards ceremony’ at the end of the series: Orange cap for the highest run-getter, a Volkswagen for the power-performer and a purple cap for the highest wicket-taker are up for grabs. Jacques Kallis, AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn were a motivated bunch after this announcement arrived.

The winner of this Test series will take the No. 1 spot in the ICC rankings. And, the DRS is being used. So, despite the overcast conditions, there’s plenty to look forward to.