SATIRE: India invokes 'home advantage'; Wankhede test to be shortened

“I told them we needed 2 extra days before the next Test”

In light of the dismal performance of the Indian team in the ongoing test match at the Wankhede stadium, the BCCI has decided to step in and ensure that normal service is resumed. India were at 117 for 7 at the close of play, merely 31 runs ahead of England and in deep trouble. Seeing this, the BCCI has decided to take a drastic decision to avoid certain embarrassment.

Said a spokesperson, “See, due to the dire straits that the Indian team finds itself in, the BCCI has decided to step in. In accordance, we have decided that the ongoing second test at the Wankhede stadium at Mumbai will be reduced to a three day game, with the result being a hard-fought draw.”

He continued, “Seeing the Indian team’s current situation, the BCCI has decided to use Law 331/B/281 of the ICC rule book which states that ‘the team playing at home will have access to home advantage.’ Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rule book does not say what this home advantage is. In our case, we have decided to use the ‘abandon game rule’ that is present in section 234/T/345 of the ‘BCCI’s book of Cricket’. This states that ‘the BCCI [or the Supreme court of India or God (read: not the Sachin variety)] has the authority to cancel a match in appropriate circumstances.’

“We believe that these are what we describe as appropriate circumstances and hence have decided to implement the law. We have come to a careful decision after looking at all possible avenues. For one, we thought of reducing the game to a 4 day game, a la the Ranji trophy but we saw that the Indian team, without the aid of rain, has no chance of holding on until the end of day 4. Besides, even if it were Ranji rules, first innings lead would come into play and India would not have any advantage, which would nullify the home advantage rule of the ICC. Now, we can’t go against the ICC, can we?

“Hence, we could come to no better decision than to declare this to be a three day test. It is in the interest of the greater good of the game. Another possible alternative was to invoke the ‘origin ruling’ wherein the origin of the player in question rather than the domicile, would be used to determine who his contribution was for. In accordance, Samit Patel‘s 26 runs and Monty Panesar‘s 10 wickets would have been awarded to India. However, due to the logistical issue of recomputing the score card, we decided to abandon the approach. However, Panesar’s exemplary performance means that the ruling could be used in the rest of the series to benefit India.”

On the question of India’s performance, captain M.S. Dhoni said, “Well of course, you know. When I asked for a spinning pitch, I did so knowing fully well the threat of Monty. However, I was misled into thinking that the ‘origin rule’ would be used. I think that this is just England getting back at us for not accepting to use the DRS. Well, at least one team is sporting, and we all know which one that is. Meanwhile, I would like to congratulate the boys on a well-fought test. We will now prepare in earnest for the next test.”

Alistair Cook was unavailable for comment.

Disclaimer: The comments above are not made by the cricket players but are a work of fiction by the author. The 2nd Test at Wankhede will continue into Day 4 tomorrow.