Satire: "Rohit Sharma part of the Indian team's reservation policy" - Dhoni

Finally shedding light on one of the biggest mysteries in world cricket, Indian cricket captain MS Dhoni has revealed that struggling cricketer Rohit Sharma is part of the national team’s reservation policy.

“Rohit has been included in the team not because of his exceptional international record, excuse me while I laugh here, but because he is an SC – S***** Cricketer”, explains Dhoni. “I know a lot of you have been questioning why we’ve had to take him in the team and why we keep ignoring domestic stalwarts like Cheteshwar Pujara, Abhinav Mukund and Ajinkya Rahane who deserve a chance. Well, now you know the reason”, he sighed, before tearing his hair out watching the match between Saurashtra and Karnataka where ‘Che’ scored yet another triple century.

The man at the eye of the storm is nonplussed. “It’s not my fault that I’ve been selected in the team. Obviously, I’m the best S***** Cricketer in the country, hence I got a place ahead of other SCs such as Devang Gandhi and Paul Valthaty”, he says.

If sources are to be believed, the presence of some other cricketers in the Indian team is also due to reservations of some form. Ravindra Jadeja – the opposition’s favourite Indian cricketer – is apparently an OBC – Obviously Bull**** Cricketer (This quota was given preference over MBC – Mostly Bull**** Cricketer, of which Saurabh Tiwary is a member).

Pujara, the man whose deserved place in the side has been thus shut out of reach, takes it all in his stride. “There’s not much I can do about it, I guess”, he said, before going off and scoring a quadruple century in a nearby first-class match.

Pujara and Rahane, in the meantime, have found support from an unusual source – IIT students. “I feel chest pain!”, said one, before his friends picked him up and rushed him to a doctor specialising in cardiac arrests, only to be later reprimanded and told that he had indeed said, “I feel Che’s pain”. The support from IIT students comes because they have for long been on the receiving end of reservations themselves. “We slog like crazy to crack the JEE, and some fellow gets up ahead of us without doing any work because of his background? Ridiculous!”, fumed a student of IIT Madras, while simultaneously solving quadratic equations on a tissue paper. “We look at Rohit Sharma and are immediately reminded of Bhushan from Mechanical!”

Sadly for Pujara, Rahane and their ilk, there seem to be no plans to change this reservations policy. However, one strand of good news is that with the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar, the rumour that there was additional reservation in the team for senior citizens has been squashed. The last thing we heard, Bhuvneshwar Kumar was found at Pallika Bazaar desperately searching for a fake OBC certificate.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken seriously