Satire: Rohit Sharma's Confession - "Humse Na Ho Payega"

Rohit Sharma arrives at Colombo for the Sri Lanka Test series

Note : All events mentioned in this article is fake. Anybody hurt by this satire would be forced to read the Freedom of Speech clause 264 times.

Another Test match, another innings and the storyboard did not change at all. I was clueless and astonished to find the ball hitting my pads. In between, the only event which I remember was the umpire raising his finger signaling me to walk off. From the time I came in to bat at number 3, this was the moment I was waiting for.

I was struggling to sight the ball. The horrific moments of South Africa flashed in my mind again. This was the time when Steyn/Morkel were enjoying playing with the wicket keeper. By the time I was able to open my eyes, I used to find that the ball had already crossed me. MS Dhoni has retired from Test cricket and now I am in a spot of bother. I know Virat will throw me out soon.

But I trust Ravi, even today he gave a pat on my back and also told me to trust my abilities. I was amused by the fact that these people seriously think that I have any capability to bat in Test cricket. I feel sorry for Pujara that he has to sit out only because of me. I am a strong man. I am not a coward.

Sachin and I went out to watch a movie called “Gangs of Wasseypur”. After the movie Sachin told me something which is as concrete as the class Sachin possessed. He said, “ Rohit, Beta tumse na ho payega”. That was the day even I realized “Humse na ho payega”. But I feel startled that the selection committee has failed to realize it.

The string of performances that I have given proves that I am a useless guy. I don’t know how these guys are able to see an ocean of talent in me. I have proved time and again that I can’t bat. With this write-up I want to confess that I will swing the willow only if I am able to sight the trajectory. I tried swinging it with my eyes closed. It doesn’t work either.

I called up Afridi asking him some tips to do it that way. His mantra was to count till five after the bowler takes a leap and then swing hard. Oh yes, the eyes should be closed. It worked for me in India a couple of times. But more often than not, by the time I count to five, the ball either hits my pads or breaks the furniture.

I don’t know how to survive. All these years Dhoni bhai used to treat me as that kid who is good at nothing. But since Mahi bhai had a golden heart, I always found a place in the playing eleven.

Virat has taken over and the times have become really tough for me and my friend Jadeja. I hope I am able to find a cheat code to bat.