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Satire: ‘The revenge of the fallen’ - A BCCI production

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SENIOR ANALYST
Modified 12 Feb 2013

Australia v India - Second Test: Day 2

In response to the ridiculous two years of getting beaten world over and dipping popularity, N. Srinivasan has promised a ‘return with vengeance!’

Of course, before you are further misled, it’s a motive for a film titled ‘The revenge of the fallen’. He has promised to spend extravagantly (what with the over-flowing BCCI coffers) for the BO success of this proposed revenge entertainer. The sky-rocketing budget though isn’t to be disclosed!

Talks are on for finalizing the eye-candy to perform the item-number, though at the moment, we hear it’s a strange tussle. Ideally, as most believe, Poonam Pandey is the front-runner, given her audacious promises that at one time ‘may-have-partially’ inspired a streak of victories. However, ‘Sunny’ Leone seems to be giving a fight given her popularity and shared name with India’s one time batting legend. Although sources say Rohit Sharma, Rahul Sharma and even Siddharth Mallya are endorsing some hidden talent, loyally from the Kingfisher calendar. Whosoever makes the final cut, finally we can be certain of ‘at least something served spicy’ even if it’s not the revenge part!

Given the choice of genre, it’s been a frustrating week for the writers who are struggling to replicate a Hollywood revenge story-line with the desi masala ingredients. There have been some novel scripts but all turned down, given our BCCI’s biased and bad selection committee. Until one young talented writer (who seeks to remain anonymous) gave the perfect plot. It was a crazy combination fitting dirty picture into a Count of Monte Cristo plot. The ‘Count of Monte Cristo’ plot was an immediate inspiration he says, considering the similarity in the teasing wicket ‘count of Monty Sikh’ blot recently. Recall those unforgettable images of a traitor in a turban turning a high expectation experience of watching the Little Master Sachin Tendulkar into an SRK starrer Ra.One horror?

The story-line:

(now sit back and enjoy)

Australia v India - Tri-Series Game 10

The movie kicks off with a high octane adrenaline war sequence against arch-rivals, fighting for a land. The opening shot pans out on a fiery, gritty bald Die-hard 5.0 ‘Bruce Willis’ version of Virender Sehwag smashing the goons to all corners of the park in the back-drop of fireworks. The plot moves forward with a hard-working Gautam Gambhir being the hero’s accomplice all along, forging a slow paced sequence amidst the alleys.

However, given the audience’s demand for the early entry of their super-star Robo, Rajni, Batman, Superman, all in one, Gambhir manages to get the immovable run-machine Schwarzenegger Cheteshwar Pujara stranded mid-way in the firing lane.

And then there is the much awaited entry. To the audience’s deafening whistles, the 100 badges major and ‘grandson-to-grandpa’ adored superstar walks out to face all the opposition single-handed. It’s a pressure time for he has to create history with his every target!

Along the way, Gambhir sacrifices himself to add the emotional value. But it’s a departure on a high, through a miscalculated rampage, for the sake of bringing in the ‘daylight-vampire-Edward’ Virat Kohli for the youth and feminine appeal. He also has the additional burden, taking the major share of the expletive ‘Delhi-belly’ punches to be delivered. The aggressive uber-cool rugged rogue!

India v Sri Lanka - Tri-Series Game 11

It’s a bad day today and probably a bad twist (though we will know only in hindsight) to find the Little Master off the field, caught by the goons. It’s naturally party time in the rival camp, which means the 1st item song comes on. Now it’s the one and only scapegoat – ‘Nicolas Cage’ Rohit Sharma who walks in to court embarrassment and failure as usual. Now that was clichéd, but boy, anything else could be ridiculed for magic.

Best suited to engage both the glamour and the goons, it’s time for ‘Jason Statham’ Yuvraj Singh to step in. He is daring and dashing, reaching for the stars always, giving more work to the cheerleaders. He fells the fellows, but eventually along the process, falls.

Save the tears guys. By now you ought to realize it’s a movie. Besides, even in reality, this guy was born to live!

It’s now a short-but much needed celebration time in our camp and the first choice is an expensive (even $2 million) yet amazing, consistent, curly-haired ‘RJ’. Radio Jockey in a party?

Sorry for the misleading acronym but it’s our one and only ‘misunderstood’ Ravindra Jadeja. He does the ‘PSY’ for today while the bikini item number reels out. Of course it’s out of place, but as always, so is he!

Amidst the fan-fare, to put things in perspective, the captain cool Air-force one ‘Harrison Ford’ MS Dhoni arrives to brief the party on the situation and the need of the hour. He promises to stick out there until the end, even if it means ushering in a boring phase for a while. ‘It’s the end that matters,’ he declares. You can’t help recall ‘The Hurt Locker’ – boring, but nevertheless an Oscar winner!

However, when all the sough-after ‘multi-crore Khans’ fail, lost in seducing raunchy enemy distractions, the unexpected son rises. It’s time for the unexpected small budget sedate – ‘life of Pi’ R. Ashwin. All classy, perfect in technique. He does the star turn in the darkest moments, and the whistles are back. It’s once again adrenalin time and desi style with our David taking the fight to the Goliath. It’s a Chennai warrior bravely scaling the Kashmir peaks. A glimmer of hope, but he also falls!

A brief fight is endured from the suave emotionless Pragyan Ojha, but to no avail. Following his exit, the lanky lean long-haired Ishant Sharma goes the swinging way, attempting to salvage some fading pride. It’s no use as this elongated DiCaprio dies, as always!

This leaves us with a lone gladiator Dhoni with no partners, though (we have a reason to believe) he has demanded such a script from Srinivasan.

It’s now time for some Hi-Def. slow-mo sequence from the captain!

Dhoni is trapped on the tip of the mushroom peak, with one bullet and six villains separating him from victory. How will he take it from there?

Well if you didn’t guess yet, he does the helicopter!

Remember that crazy sequence by Owen Wilson in behind enemy lines? He jumps, catches the edge of the flying helicopter in time and shoots accurately at the base of the mushroom cliff that explodes, killing all six of them.

England v India - 4th Natwest One Day International Series

And the movie concludes with our brave hero presented the country’s highest bravery award in the backdrop of a patriotic score.

Thus it comes to end, with everybody is in tears. Whistles, raucous applause, claps, and screams of joy fill the air. Emotions are high with everybody hugging each other. Differences forgotten, old rivalries forgiven, sourness suppressed, the Indian family comes together!

The future unfolding:

The BO registers an unimaginable success with the BCCI raking in close to 1000 crores in the first month and 14 nominations for Oscars. An ecstatic N. Srinivasan calls for his 1st press release post the movie’s success and declares – ‘Going by the phenomenal response, the BCCI proudly announces a sequel!’

Later however, sources have confirmed about a satirical Navjot Singh Sidhu suggesting a ‘prequel’ (allowing Dada, Dravid and Laxman). For once, it seems Bhogle and Shastri also seemed to agree with him!

The die-hard movie critics though were found sitting in a corner, banging their heads, trying to figure out the revenge part in the larger-than-life plot.

Didn’t some-one tell them this was a fantasy film?

DISCLAIMER: This article is fictional and is intended to be read in good humour.

Published 03 Jan 2013
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