Satire: Why Sachin doesn't need to retire

He has the RECORDS!

Lets face it, at a hundred hundreds he is obviously the best. I mean, sure, he cannot score a half decent 20 runs in any format of the game now, but he has hundred hundreds. That means he is the best ever. I don’t care a damn, he has all records, each and every one! I don’t care that his 100th hundred came against a weak Bangladesh. I don’t care he had to chase it for months and months. I don’t care his average since the last 10 tests is 15 runs. I just don’t care. He has a hundred Hundreds! Why on earth should a man with a hundred hundreds retire?! A hundred times, NO!

He has the Elixir of Youth!

Do you remember the first book of Harry Potter? You may ask what relation does it have with Tendulkar. Actually, it does. Remember how Dumbledore said he had destroyed the Sorcerers Stone? Well you are wrong. The BCCI bribed Dumbledore with a sum estimated at ? 45,00,00,000! That comes to about a billion Galleons. In return, they took the sorcerers stone, made a load of Elixir of Life, and just as we drink milk in the morning, Sachin drinks Elixir. He will NEVER EVER get old! Sure, his reflexes remind me of my Grandpa. And his game is exactly like Don Bradman‘s in the 1990′s. (Don Bradman, May his soul rest in peace, died in 2001). And at 39, he is still scoring nearly 100 runs! Oops. I typed an extra Zero there by mistake. But that’s not the point. The argument we put forward, that Sachin is old, doesn’t count. He has the Elixir. THE ELIXIR! He does not age!

He won the world cup!

Sure, he played in 6 world cups to win just one. But he is still greater and better than the whole Australian team under Ponting, as well as Ponting himself, who has THREE world cups. But Sachin winning just ONE cup is miraculous, a feat unparalleled, besides the fact that the only match he scored a century in, India lost, and the fact that the cup was won by other players like Kohli, Yuvraj and Dhoni on the batting front. But who cares about facts?! No, we are all Tendulkar Fans. To hell with facts and statistics, TENDULKAR IS THE GREATEST AND I WILL BASH UP ANYONE WHO ARGUES WITH IT! And why should the greatest retire?!

He is the greatest ever!

And do the greatest ever retire? To hell with Pele, the Greatest ever in Football. To hell with Dhyan Chand and to hell with Don Bradman. Sachin is the Greatest Ever. He is the God. To him, several months, years even, is just like a single second. And he has suffered a decline for just one second. Does it matter? No it doesn’t! He is scoring 15 runs per match! 15! I know I could never score that much in an international match. But that is probably because I am not an international player, and Tendulkar is the Greatest Ever. I know, he scored 5 runs last test. But isn’t Rank 1 better than Rank 10? Similarly, isn’t 5 runs better than 50? That is my logic and if anyone DARES MUTTER A WORD AGAINST TENDULKAR, I’LL BEAT THEM! I WONT HEAR A WORD OF TRUTH, I WONT ACCEPT A SINGLE VERIFIABLE FACT, TENDULKAR IS THE BEST! He still has a lot of cricket left in him! At age 39, when most players retire, he still has cricket left in him! OK, admittedly, it is hidden by some dark, mysterious force, but come on! HE STILL HAS CRICKET LEFT IN HIM!

Sachin is not Cricket, Cricket is Sachin

Of course, the player is more important than the game. Who on earth are WE to tell Sachin to retire? CRICKET should retire. Sachin is more important than India. In fact, Sachin IS India! Lets face it, he is the only guy Indians know. Few know Maj. Dhyan Chand who brought the world down at his feet, or rather hockey stick. But that is not the point. Because, in the end, This Man, I mean This God, is much much much more important than the Game. The Game can go into a wreck and ruin, but Sachin must not retire!

DISCLAIMER: This is a comic article, directly targeted at Tendulkar, and if you do not have a sense of humor or basic knowledge of cricket, and cannot understand heavy sarcasm, or take offense easily, don’t bother reading it. And as for critics, NYAH NYAH NYAH