Traits are things that define an entity. Every person in this world has characteristics. In fact, everything in this world has characteristics. It is what makes them the things that they are.
Also read: 7 steps to be a Barcelona fan
Since every person in this universe has characteristics, Arsenal fans are no exception to it. They have some definitive set of qualities that sets them apart from the rest. If a person has those qualities, she/he can be easily classified as a Gooner.
On that note, here is a seven-step guide for anyone who aspires to be an Arsenal fan. Take this with a pinch (actually a bucketload) of salt.
#1 Listen to mediocre songs and learn to enjoy them
This might seem like a very absurd thing to do, but if you are absolutely sure about your decision to be an Arsenal fan, then you must start your journey with this step. This is important because your life as a Gooner will be a constant torture of watching mediocre displays from your team.
They say that when you are pained by something that you love, that pain feels like a delight. However, the trick is the falling in love part. Hence, you must start off by listening mediocre songs and enjoy them. If you don’t enjoy them in the beginning, you will get the hang of it if you pretend to love it.
Listening to country music would be the best way to liking mediocre tracks. Then you can grasp on to new age crap like Justin Bieber. After you get the gist of it, watch Arsenal games. By then, you will be subconsciously prepared to enjoy the mediocrity that Arsenal are champions at.
#2 Earn a degree in failure
While there are not many universities in this world that offer this course, being an Arsenal fan means that one must have the ability to fail—and fail some more.
When you follow Arsenal, you will be devastated in the most excruciating of ways—something Bane did in The Dark Knight Rises. He gave the people of Gotham hope despite setting off an atom bomb that would explode in a few days.
With Arsenal, you will be given hope just like that. They will sign some average players and coat that by signing someone extraordinary. They will play well in the beginning, lead the table for a while, and you will feel like this, perhaps, is the year of the Arsenal.
And then comes the despair. A failure so bad that finishing top 4 becomes the priority instead of meeting the expectations that you had before. And you must be prepared for it.
Try taking out all the paste from the toothpaste container and then try to put it all back in without cutting it. That would prepare you for failure like nothing else.
#3 Hate Spurs
Of course. Loving a team is not enough to convince the people that you love them, you must hate their rivals to prove your love. For example, I hate every girl in this world to proof my undying love for my girlfriend…except that I don’t have a girlfriend, but you get the point.
Hence, loving Arsenal alone isn’t good enough. You have to hate their rivals, too. And who better to hate than the only club that are better at being Arsenal than Arsenal themselves? Yes, Tottenham Hotspurs.
You could hate Chelsea, but that is a risk you better not take because they do this weird thing that Arsenal don’t: win trophies.
However, with Spurs, you get a club that is not only a specialist at screwing themselves up in the most hilarious of ways but also do it better than Arsenal. So it is easier to hate and mock them and get away with it.
Bring on the hate brigade, guys!
#4 Moan about lack of signings
Once you have reached this level, it is time to place feelings on the club that you actually claim to care about. So far, all the points that have been listed have nothing to do with showing emotions for the club itself.
This one, however, changes all that.
Here, you begin to realise that despite having some great players, the club is well short of having a squad that lack the genuine quality to mount a serious title challenge. Yeah, Ozil and Alexis Sanchez are there, but they are partnered by Olivier Giroud, which is like having a surgery to enlarge your package, but then you realise that you are impotent.
So what are you supposed to do here? The answer is what every Arsenal fan does: moan.
No, no, no… not that moaning. This is the kind of moaning that irritates everybody. YOUR team didn’t sign the players it requires, so it is YOUR duty to make sure that you moan so much that OTHER teams’ fans get frustrated by it.
At the end of the day, you have made a completely random non-Arsenal fan exasperated with life, which means you are not alone anymore.
#ArseneIN
You have to love the guy that runs your favourite club…when you are winning, that is. As an Arsenal fan, it is necessary for you to love Arsene Wenger when Arsenal are winning or have made some good signings. This is basically the first half of the season.
At this point of time, you should tweet posts with the hashtag #ArseneIN, where you label the Frenchman as the greatest manager the entire galaxy has ever seen and would let him in anywhere he wants, including your pants.
During this time, he signs a world class player to put a nice coating on the average players that he has already sign or will sign so that you get to say that, ‘we signed
And then, the fall happens. That’s when you should tweet...
#ArseneOUT
At this point of time, Arsene Wenger is the worst manager to breathe. Hence, you shall take the maximum advantage of this phase and join the bandwagon that tweets with the hashtag, #ArseneOUT.
Your tweets will basically contain recycled stuff from previous years and/or different Gooners about why he should be sacked, but you should write it in your own words—that’s the secret to making it unique and not sound monotonous––and it also depicts your individualism.
When you do this, your name is engraved among the immortal Gooners that attempted to make a difference for the good of their team. Oh, such a wonderful time this is, where we can make a change by posting rants on social media.
#7 Choose a second team
Now, this is all about keeping your sanity. Being an Arsenal fan for one season is much more draining than listening to your neighbour aunty bragging about her children. You probably would want to quit being a Gooner, but then you will be labelled as a glory hunter.
So, what do you do? Simply put, you start liking another team and announce to the world that the said team is your second team. The word ‘second’ plays a crucial role here. If you don’t say the word, you will be roasted in the fire pit by your fellow-Gooners for being a betrayer.
But if you mention ‘second’, you will be lauded for your loyalty to the Gunners while also supporting another team. The reason for supporting another team is quite simple: you begin to feel important when your second team wins something. It’s like you have a place in this world.
Of course, you will still support Arsenal and will still be disappointed by the end of the season. But then you will have your second team to turn to in order to ooze the pain to a certain extent. Does this sound familiar to having an illicit extra-marital affair?
As Wenger would say, I don’t know.
Also read: 7 ways to know that you are a Real Madrid fan...
