Tale of the Tabs – Sunday August 18th

Luis Suarez – A no go!

The start of the Premier League season has obviously taken plenty of attention away from our favourite rumour mongers and with Luis Suarez joining Cesc Fabregas on the (probably) not moving list, we are left with just Gareth Bale and Wayne Rooney to discuss sensibly/wildly lie about* (*delete as appropriate).

The fact of the matter is that after a solid two months of consistent speculation, we are seeing very few of the predicted transfers actually take place. Those of you with a decent memory will recall that both Isco and Thiago were ‘set to join’ City and United respectively and look what happened there. Truth be told, the tabloids have only a couple of weeks to redeem themselves from what has been a poor summer. Let’s see how they fare this week, shall we?

The Sun

The paper greets us with the startling news that Frank Lampard wants Chelsea to sign Wayne Rooney. That’s all well and good Frank, I, for example want Chael Sonnen to make Shogun Rua tap out in the 1st round of the UFC but it’s not going to… oh wait, it did.

Actually, I want St.Mirren to attract 4700 hardy souls to Love Street but it doesn’t mean that…oh wait, they did.

Scrap that, I want United to sign a midfielder. The point is Frank, just because you want something doesn’t always mean you’re going to get it, does it?

The Sun take a different line of course, sycophantically hanging on Lampard’s every word and creating a headline from it – quelle surprise. Hidden away on the inside pages, there is a story that Arsenal will need to find £25m to tempt Michu away from Swansea and that Tottenham and Southampton are both chasing Roma’s striker, Pablo Osvaldo (Editor note – they got it right!!!).

The entertaining story of the week has Malaga and Espanyol courting the forgotten David Bentley, although how the Malaga fans would react to Bentley as their replacement for Isco is anyone’s guess!

The People

The strategy of the paper seems to be “When you are struggling for a story, turn to Alan Nixon”. The big man obliges with one that is absurd, even by his own high standards. Apparently, Chelsea are planning a final £40m bid this week for Wayne Rooney, which isn’t inconceivable and gives us the obligatory Rooney reference, so good work.

It’s downhill thereafter from ‘Nicko’ as he goes on to claim that if this offer gets rejected, they will go on to bid for Robert Lewandowski. The same Lewandowski who is universally recognised as signing for Bayern Munich next summer and who has just been awarded a pay rise for his final season with Dortmund. All of this information about Lewandowski has been reported pretty thoroughly across written and social media, but obviously not in the crazy world of Alan Nixon.

Further stories see Leandro Damiao shockingly linked with someone who isn’t called Tottenham Hotspur. Instead, Liverpool of all teams are taking an interest. Further nonsense sees Nicklas Helenius as a target for Real Madrid and that Sunderland are again after Charis Mavrias, just as they seem to be every other week.

The Sunday Mirror

Starting on the back page with words as inspiring as a Danny Lennon teamtalk, the paper claims to have a guide to “….who every Prem club needs”. Turning to that page, it appears that Indykaila has got a job with the paper, such is the level of drivel being served up.

Liverpool are on the verge of signing Willian for £15m so they say and who are we to doubt the wisdom of Steve Stammers? Arsenal are not only after Michu, but also Lars Bender, Micah Richards, Juanfran and PSV whizzkid Zakaria Bakkali. Spend, spend, spend, eh Gooners?

Luka Modric – Plans to land in Manchester?

Luka Modric, meanwhile, is foregoing first team football at Real Madrid to head over to Old Trafford along with, of course, Marouane Fellaini. Nicklas Bendtner could be off to Basel (can see him taking that move in his stride with no tantrums) along with Mladen Petric.

Also, joyous news for us all is that Stephen Ireland is alive and well and a target for Stoke, but only if they can afford his £3m a year salary – welcome to football gone mad Part 5761. A change in style from the paper this week from their more conservative style to outright nonsense, no doubt using the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” adage.

The Daily Star on Sunday

As predictable as a St.Mirren away defeat (Editor – you’re at it boy), the Star come steaming in with their usual combination of half truths, conjecture and assorted madness. The first thing that they do is to lift a story directly from last week’s Sunday Mirror, that being that Everton will use the money from the sales of Fellaini and Baines to Manchester United to fund a move for James McCarthy – nothing like originality, is there boys?!

Falcao becomes a target for Cheslea, United and Arsenal apparently due to a dispute between Monaco and the French governing body over taxation policy. The key statement is from AS Monaco in the penultimate paragraph and not really commented on by the paper – “The club categorically deny rumours about a sale of Falcao”. Say no more.

West Ham are after Oscar Cardozo from Benfica, whilst Sunderland are looking at Juventus’s Paolo De Ceglie and Newcastle and Palace are interested in Jefferson Montero, lucky him.

One man who is noticeable by his absence in any major stories this week is Gareth Bale. No mention is made regarding a definitive move to Madrid, although the rumours of him giving the silent treatment to the club (acknowledged and claimed as untrue) are briefly touched upon.

Could it be that the papers have learnt their lesson from earlier in the summer and are being less hasty with their pronouncements? Or is it due to the fact that they genuinely don’t have a clue what is going on? If my experience of this summer is anything to go by, then it is definitely the latter. 8th August indeed…