When I tell my friends and family I watch pro wrestling, their response is usually, “really?” and I can immediately see them calculating how many brain cells I must have left. When they learn how much pro wrestling l actually watch, they immediately look at me like I'm dying and ask “why?” with genuine concern in their voices.
I used to respond with flailing arms, full passion, and half sentences. Dropping names they names they didn't recognise. That would usually get them to stop talking to me, sometimes for months.
These days I just admit it: Wrestling is inherently stupid, unbelievably frustrating, and viciously insulting to fans’ intelligence. I tell them 90% is awful, but 10% is the greatest thing on earth (often this is super generous).
This confuses them even more, so I mention that The Undertaker is still a thing and they’re all, “OH YEAH, I remember that dude!” and then they usually stop talking to me, sometimes for months.
So now I’m friendless and estranged but I still believe in that formula, and although it absolutely fluctuates depending on the week and the person watching the product, it’s pretty close, universally. So each week I’m going to focus on 5 bad parts of Raw and 1 great part. I understand every Raw won’t have the same balance, but whatever. Rules are rules.
The Bad 1
FIGHT FOR...really? STILL??
It was well established that Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn would meet for the final time by WWE.com, less than a year ago:
“Batman and The Joker. Superman and Lex Luthor. Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty. The greatest rivalries in history all have one thing in common in that they never seem to end. At WWE Battleground, however, WWE.com has confirmed that Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens will look to buck that trend and put their grudge to rest once and for all.”
Their match at Battleground was one of the best of 2016 on the main roster.
They wrestled each other a week later. And then another 20+ times since. Not including Monday. The only time they WEREN’T fighting on a consistent basis is when Owens was Universal Champion and he was busy giving Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins all those chances.
But since creative can’t write more than two paragraphs a week, his first match after losing to Goldberg is an old match against a guy who’s entire character based on the fact that he can’t win. Another case of WWE establishing their rules and then completely ignoring them. Zero explanation.
The Bad 2
I wish that what happened in Milwaukee, stayed retired.
Look, Goldberg has been surprisingly fun since he got back. He’s better on the mic than he ever has been, he got a nice little, “Look at my 2 moves I can still do! Especially if it takes less than 2 minutes!” re-introduction.
He's perfect for that sweet, sweet nostalgia money. Cool, awesome, whatever, I understand nostalgia. I get why the crowd pops for him, even if I don’t. I’m totally OK with him being there.
I’m not OK with him being the Universal Champion. Kevin Owens was one of the best parts of Raw since the Brand Split ‘16, despite being booked like a goober the entire time he held the Universal Championship. He showed up every day and wrestled. His sense of humour was always legitimate.
Owens has been working tirelessly to get to where he is for longer than Goldberg’s 12-year “retirement.” Pretty sure Chicago was making a pointed statement about how WWE did the same thing to CM Punk when they started chanting his name, and they weren’t just being awful wrestling fans.
Goldberg is now the Universal Champion because the promotion for a video game got out of hand. Best case scenario? Brock MDKs Goldberg on April 2nd and we get a wrestler who can take more than one bump every 12 years holding the belt.
The Bad 3
The Raw Tag Team Division
The Club are completely ineffective, void of consistent character, and the least destructive Tag Champs in a long time. How long did it take them to finally get WWE gold? They just cockroached their way to the top. Without a bullety leader, the “club” part is more an axe without a handle than a team of any significance at this point.
Enzo and Cass have been dumbed down so low that the only people that find them entertaining anymore are Floor People. Which sucks because I LOVED Enzo and Cass in NXT and I hate Floor People. Also, Enzo is more of a foreign object than a wrestler.
How do we have a Japanese import and a red hot NXT Saturday Morning Cartoon get consistently outshined by a team thrown together against their will? Cesaro and Sheamus are the real deal when it comes to tag teams. So let’s get The Revival up here and have them make the division famous again.
And where the hell is Golden Truth?
The Bad 4
The slow collapse of Bayley.
So, after months (years) of waiting for Bayley to get her turn in the spotlight, patiently waiting out the 31 years of Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair, we finally have a proper Bayley program. She’s the last true face left. She lit crowds on emotional fire in NXT, putting on classics with Sasha.
And hey! She’s the Raw Women’s Champion! Except she can’t win a Championship match without Sasha interfering. Charlotte straight up was like, “Sure, I’ll make Dana Brooke stay in the back during our match, so it’s fair” and Bayley couldn’t do the same.
She couldn’t beat Sasha on Monday even though she had Charlotte trying to make sure it would NOT be a triple threat by interfering.
So now Bayley just looks weak in the ring, and they keep giving her the mic which was never her forte. And WWE is STILL gunshy about having a huge women’s singles match. So we get another triple threat. With 2 people that were in one last year at Wrestlemania, and a champion who’s a shell of what she was this time last year.
To make matters dumber, instead of using the remaining time before Wrestlemania to rebuild Bayley as an effective Champion, we fast forward to the Triple Threat stipulation, which is actually code for “rewind.”
And Charlotte, the heel, is absolutely right when she says she’s the victim. Which, unfortunately, makes Stephanie right, and that’s terrible.
The Bad 5
Cruiserweight Disaster.
The Cruiserweight division is a mess. Every time they get a “showcase” match on Raw it’s completely castrated. Have you seen these guys wrestle? They are absolutely the most exciting dudes on the planet to watch.
Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander are insanely good, I'm super into Dark Realm Neville, and Jack Gallagher is my favourite person confined to the Purpledome and if we could get 205 Live cooking, we might end up seeing dudes like Zach Sabre Jr. and Kota Ibushi show a little more interest.
On the main roster? They each get a default set of kicks and chin locks, maybe a special move if they have a name more than three people in the crowd recognise. They wrestle the same WWE style as the rest of the roster, just 25% smaller.
I wonder why the crowd is dead when the purple ropes go up? Also, Where’s Gran Metalic?
I really want the CW division to be even half the sum of the talent they have trapped in purple squares. It's heartbreaking to see something like The Cruiserweight Classic be ankled by MORE exposure, because...
The Good
Austin Aries is back!
I was never a huge AA fan but I have been digging what he’s been selling since NXT, so that wind was taken from me when Shinsuke Nakamura dusted his eye bones and sent him to the commentating booth. But he’s back and he’s got a great package.
It looks like he may be bound by purple ropes but honestly, I’m pretty happy to see him healthy and back in the ring.
Austin should have been killing it all summer, but when he got hurt he was replaced by Roderick "Default Create-A-Wrestler" Strong. So I'm looking forward to his in-ring return and hopefully, he puts some gusto into the drowning division.
In the interest of fairness, let’s look at a cliff notes version of the opposite. The Upsidedown, if you will
1st Good: Brian Kendrick’s outfit. 2nd Good: Big E’s insatiable love for the New Day Pop-Cycle3rd Good: Akira Tozawa’s snap suplexes4th Good: That Booty-O’s scarf 5th Good: The Undertaker chokeslamming Roman Reigns
The Bad: How much better would it have been if Braun Strowman and Roman Reigns’ names were mixed up in the script? Have Roman come out and then yellow stripe it out the back when ‘Taker showed up, then have Braun come out as the fearless dude and get chokeslammed.
The way it played out, though, made Braun look like the biggest chump at a time when he should be getting a final huge push to Wrestlemania. Roman, though, is getting handed a dream match because Roman’s entire character is based on getting handed unearned opportunities.
See you next week, keep your chins up. Actually, you should probably tuck them, this Mania road looks bumpy as hell.
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Teddy Long snaps when Swerve Strickland's race is brought up HERE
