Now, when I say “retire” I don’t mean he’s gonna leave the WWE entirely.
I’m not sure he physically or contractually CAN fully retire. Whether or not you love JC or hate him, he’s “the face that runs the place.” I’m somewhere in the middle...I’m not clamoring for another match from him, but I totally get why he’s there. And it’s not like he can’t be exciting and entertaining.
His United States Championship Open Challenge last year was fantastic, with a slew of memorable runs and matches with Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Rusev and Kevin Owens, to name a few.
He’s JOHN FREAKIN’ CENA. SuperCena. Big Match John. The literal Prototype of the top face in the company. But every career has a shelf-life, and as unstoppable as Jorts-El is, he’s gonna have to pump the breaks. Possibly sooner than you think.
#5 His Body
John Cena has made a career out of returning from an injury MONTHS ahead of normal earth people.
Hip, neck, elbow, pectoral tendon, ankles and knees...and that’s just what he told the trainers and doctors. Pro wrestlers are notorious for ignoring and/or powering through injuries so as not to lose their spot on the roster.
Bad move, probably, but Cena defies all odds, possibly summoning the dark arts in a successful attempt at cheating destiny, you know, for the kids.
But he’s not COMPLETELY invincible.
It’s been taking longer than usual for him to bounce back from torn body parts that would usually just be slight ouchies for SuperCena. It took him 5 months to make a full return to the ring after his shoulder surgery this year. That’s really fast but not in Cena years.
How long was he supposed to be gone from his tricep surgery in 2013? Up to 6 months? Yeah, he was back in TWO. That’s some Yellow Sun stuff, right there. Biggie Johns is known for Wolverine-style healing powers.
Whether it’s in the Emergency Room, a rehab facility, or even in the middle of a match. At No Point Shall You Call It Quits is his motto, I think. That and something about Try/Be A Friend You Can Count On/Treat People Good.
But he’s 39 years old. That’s not OLD old but it’s pro wrestler old, and John Cena may be inhuman, but he’s still a pro wrestler.
#4 Other Jobs
How many movies has Cena been in? Well, since 2006 he’s been in 13 movies. That’s more than his Sisters costar, Tina Fey. That’s more than Sean Penn. That’s more than Eddie Murphy. That’s...OK, not as many as Stephen Baldwin but who can keep up with that guy?
And that’s not even counting his television appearances, as both himself and fictional characters. He was on Saturday Night Live and Parks And Recreation as “John Cena” and he has a recurring roll on Fred: The Show as some guy named “Fred’s Dad.”
He was the host on reality competition show American Grit and he just hosted the ESPY Awards, which aired on ABC this year, and he’s hosting The Teen Choice Awards at the end of the month.
Cena’s kind of all over the place right now, And he just signed a developmental deal with Leftfield Enertainment, the company behind Grit, so, he’s probably not slowing down anytime soon...except maybe in the squared circle.
He says he’ll never leave WWE, and I believe him, to an extent. I don’t think he’ll go full Rock but the allure of working in show business without having to be viciously attacked by The Club probably looks better and better every morning.
Also, Trainwreck was a great movie and he was great in it.
#3 Family
When I say “family” I really mean Total Divas/Bellas.
Maybe John is going to finally settle down with Nikki Bella and start a family, or maybe he’s married to the mat. Either way, I do know it’s going to be televised on the E! channel and The Network.
The King Of Making Wishes may very well start his own Mini-Cena Brigade of John Jrs. and Cenettes, poised to take over the world – possibly while running a campaign for President Of The United States of America against The Rock in 2020.
Thrice In A Lifetime!
And let’s be honest, his blood family and Bella family probably don’t want him bouncing his noggin off the floor too much longer.
He still seems to have his faculties about him so his loved ones are probably pressuring him to stay home more often.
A wonky Cena is probably no fun. His eyes swirling like a kaleidoscope with late 80s video game colors, cutting nonsensical promos on unsuspecting neighbors and houseplants, constantly trying to prescribe medicine to his friends because he thinks he’s a real doctor...Nobody wants a sad, loopy Cena in their lives.
So maybe scaling back the in-ring action and concentrating on family-friendly world domination is a good idea in the long run.
#2 Forget This, I’m Out
What if he just snapped and disappeared?
He stopped showing up at scheduled events, stopped returning phone calls and emails, stopped leaving his house altogether. Nothing on social media, silence from WWE’s camp. He went rogue, dark, TOTAL PR BLACKOUT (ooh, that could be the name of his new show on E! Just a blank screen. Highest ratings ever!).
His family and friends had “no comment.” Like Verbal in The Usual Suspects said: “After that, my guess is that you’ll never hear from him again. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that…he’s gone.”
This kind of thing happens. He’s played the company man for so long, done everything asked of him with a smile on his face and a positive attitude. But something was building inside. Something deep down in the furthest reaches of his tummy soul, barely noticeable at first, but growing steadily.
He tries to ignore it at first, but it’s persistent, oh yes, it’s persistent. The sound in his head grows louder while the light dims around him. He locks himself in the bathroom for days at a time, surviving on bidet water and Nikki’s face creams.
Nikki is worried, but she shields the rest of their families from John’s erratic behavior. Hoping the insanity will subside. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult. It’s a losing battle. The John Cena you knew is gone. Replaced by a seething mass of regret and chaos. This is the darkest timeline. This is hell.
Or maybe he’s all like: “I think I got enough money and stuff. I’m just gonna play Xbox and paint band logos on empty vitamin bottles for the rest of my life. Guess who you can’t see, now?”
He Has To Go Now, His Planet Needs Him
What, are you surprised?
What makes Sting special? His first AEW opponent opens up RIGHT HERE.
