John Cena is a perpetual babyface. The Anti-Bad. He’s a leader of the babies. King Cena of Facetown. He’s never turning heel. He physically can’t. He would no-sell it if it was even a possibility.
WWE has employed the top minds in creative writing and science over the years in hopes of figuring out a way to make Johnny Can’tseena a bad guy, to no avail.
Project Make Cena No Good was abandoned over 5 years ago, deemed a lost cause and too costly. It also cost many writers their sanity, many scientists their lives, and is forbidden to be spoken of to this day. It is an utterly unsolvable mystery.
What they should have done was come to me. I could have done it and I would have taken a 50% paycut to do it. That’s roughly 4 billion dollars but whatever, I could use a new island. My regular work island is under construction (pro wrestling journalist problems), so I got some free time.
The Kids aren’t all right
Kids are always the go-to defense for John always being a good guy. Sure, he acts like an entitled jerk, reverses hit-point damage in an instant, has a limited move set, and he’s basically the only wrestler WWE tells us that matters. BUT HE DOES IT FOR THE KIDS.
Well what about us 50 something nerds that still live with our parents and can sometimes borrow the car on the weekends if mom’s not going to the Vineyard with Aunt Linda? Huh? What about us?
But yeah, have him turn his back on the WWE Lil’ Universe. Just constantly bully them until the kids hate him and he kinda scares them, taking a few pages from Gene Snitsky.
He says stuff like “I bet you can’t even spell, you’re a stupidhead” and “Birthday presents are for babies that poop on themselves” and “I’m taller than you.” He can start only starring in R-rated movies, or return to The Marine franchise, nobody likes that crap, right?
He absolutely refuses to wear Connor’s Cure merch (yeesh, that’s dark). Then the parents will hate him and then they don’t buy his merch for their kids. The kids are fine with that so now Vince hates him because he’s not making as much money. So now EVERYBODY hates him and you’ve got yourself a real live heel.
And if that doesn’t push him fully into the darkness? That’s OK, after he cancels all future Make-A-Wish visits, he’s done-zo.
John Cena, Animal Hater
If you watched Total Bellas, you already know Cider House Johns will have dogs taken away by Animal Control if they bark at him too hard. No problems living in a house surrounded by alligators, but 4 pound dogs are a THREAT.
Now, I realize Total Bellas is a TV show and Smackdown Live is real life serious business, but why not have him just lean into it? Have him show up in a “U Can’t See Dogs” shirt.
Cut promos about the joys of dog fighting wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Who’s gonna cheer for a guy that leaves his puppy in the car with the windows up on a hot Florida afternoon? You need a protein shake from the protein shake shoppe, Jack? Well your adorable dog needs air to live!
So after he gets volcanic heat, he can start a stable called The He-Man Animal Haterz Club with other like-minded jerks. Let’s see...Baron Corbin would fit nicely, he’s a legitimate butthole who almost definitely hates cute animals.
The Ascension still needs a job so they’re in. They could carry dog catcher nets to the ring with them like 2X4s. Nikki Bella would obviously be there because she is now completely under Cena’s mind control. She could dye her hair like Cruella Deville and sing showtunes. There’s really nothing worse than a singing Bella.
The Animal Haterz would then flirt with a face turn, “donating” millions to local animal rescue shelters. And just when you thought they had seen the error in their ways and were bettering themselves, it’s revealed that “donating” to the shelters was actually just straight up buying them and then they could blow them up, Vince McMahon’s Limo style.
War On Women
Step 1: Break up with Nikki Bella
Step 2: Cavort with a slew of Hollywood B-listers
Step 3: Mock his conquests publicly, extra points for bad photoshop pictures of them on the Titantron
Step 4: NEVER WEAR PINK. Not even during October
Step 5: Befriend Tyler Breeze and talk about all the uggos in the audience that night
Step 6: Win the Smackdown Women’s Championship
Step 7: Burn the Smackdown Women’s Championship in a dumpster
Step 8: Be mean to Becky Lynch
Step: 9 ???
Step 10: HEEL PROFIT
Or just use The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
John Cena: Max Level
A lot of the reason that people love John Cena is because he’s a real life superhero. He’s gonna tie Ric Flair, at the very least, in amount of world championships won.
No matter how beat up he gets he can always Power Up and Attitude Adjust his opponent back to the mid-card. He’s still The Face Who Is In Charge Of The Building He Is Currently In, no matter what AJ Styles says. He always fights on the side of good, and he always wins.
And it’s SO BORING. That’s why half the crowd hates him. They’ve seen Cena be Cena for what feels like 100 Years Of Hustletude. They can see the end of the match, or even an entire feud, before a match is even set. It’s like he’s a spoiler just by existing.
So what’s worse than boring? MORE BORING. Turn everything on the Cenameter to 11.
Cena just stands in the ring and as soon as his opponent so much as touches him they catch insta-death and are out for 4-6 months. If he hip tosses you, forget it, you are now legally required to retire for real.
When Vince runs out of talent he tries to ambush him with henchemen armed with old timey machine guns in the parking lot, Immortal John just Luke Cages his way to the ring. Once there, he just sits down and tells awful dad jokes where the punchline is “poop” 75%, wearing even brighter colors. If that doesn’t make you turn on him, I don’t know what will.
Abandoned ideas from Project Make Cena No Good
Like I said earlier, turning John Cena has been attempted in the past, with zero results. I was able to uncover some confidential documents from the doomed project, and I found a handful of interesting files that may have been successful if given the time and energy. Here’s a few samples:
- Change his entrance music to “Cult Of Personality” by Living Colour
- Steal Bryan Daniel’s dad’s coffin and drag it behind a car through a cemetery
- Refuse a hug from Bayley
- Drive drunk, like, all the time
- Change his motto from Hustle, Loyalty, Respect to Procrastinate, Infidelity, Neglect
- Put eyeliner on and say he’s “goth”
- Marry a comatose Shane McMahon at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas
- Pull off the Curt Hawkins mask
- Insist that Riley was Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s best boyfriend
So what about you? Got any ideas that might finally make John Cena the top heel in the business?
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