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John Cena: Portrait of a lady

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Luck be a Cena tonight

It’s a question that’s as old as time itself. One of the biggest pro wrestlers of all time, John Cena, is, without much of a doubt, a male dude. As opposed to a lady dude. But what if John Cena actually WAS a lady dude? How much different would his, or rather her, career be?

Let’s skip the boring hypotheticals and dumb jokes like “He would never have been a pro wrestler.” or “Stripper!!! Lol.” I have a degree in absurd sciences, so these types of hypotheses are of little interest to me. I don’t care about what fans would continue their support if he was a girl, and what fans would change their opinions on Cena.

If you’re basing your opinion on gender, take off. No one has any use for you here.

This isn’t just “Cena in a dress.” This is what the Universe(™) would look like, if the one and only, John Cena, was a girl. This is a semi-educated guess at what the differences, if any, would be in Cena’s career. This is an attempt to answer an incredibly important question.

This is an excuse to imagine what a female Cena’s voice would sound like without seeming like a weirdo.

Like Monster Island, it’s just a name

Step One: find a perfect name

So, I’m gonna go ahead and say the new Cena’s name would not have been John. The Cena part, yeah, absolutely that stays. Why would it change? I’m not messing with his dad’s name. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to figure out, scientifically, what John’s girly name would be.

So what’s the feminine version of the name “John?” Joan is the most correct answer, although it sounds like the way Alfonzo Arau from Romancing The Stone might say “John.” Then I remember he said “Joan” a lot during that movie, so maybe I’m just confused.

Also, his name was Juan in the movie, which is the Spanish version of John...anyway, I don’t care for the name Joan, so let’s skip it.


The other choices are Joanne, which just screams “not a pro wrestler,” so that's out. Janice, which reminds me too much of Chandler Bing’s girlfriend, so forget that. Or Jean, which is really just no fun for anyone. 

Janet isn’t terrible, it conjures up images of Jackson’s badass Rhythm Nation period, which is a step up from Jean, at least. But my favourite is probably Jane. Similar to the Rhythm Nation imagery, Jane makes me think of G.I. Jane, the Demi Moore military movie.

How perfect is that for Girl Cena?!? And before you’re all “But Graham, the ‘Jane’ part in G.I. Jane is a play off of the ‘Joe’ part of G.I. Joe, not G.I. John!” answer me this: If they call unidentified male dead bodies John Doe, what do they call unidentified female dead bodies? BLAMMO! That’s what I thought.

Also, I’m the scientist, I could just call her Demi and be done with it. But I’ll play the game and we’ll call her Jane. It also rhymes with “pain” and that’s always good for promos.

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