Welcome back to where “diva” is still a word.
As soon as The Bellas are off TV, they’re back on within a week. So as soon as I think I have a moment to ice my head, stitch up my wounds, and find a new therapist, I’m right back in the trenches.
Total Bellas is rough to cover, so I have a feeling Total Divas is gonna be rougher. With TB, it may have seemed like a war going on in my head, between, good and evil, dark and light, Nikki and Brie, Bryan and Cena, Doctors and everybody, JJ and me. But with it also came seeing Daniel Bryan get better and finding out that I love Johnny Ace.
And one time Sami Zayn, that was fun.
So it was bearable at times, but I don’t have the same positive outlook for Total Divas, season something point whatever. They don’t really stick to traditional “seasons,” so who knows?
All I know is this show has been concentrating on cuddle relationships between the Superstars, and now we have a Draft/Brand split coming up to decide the fates of...um...I guess whichever people they decide to concentrate on this time, plus Nikki Bella all the time if you’re not sick of her yet.
Alright, let’s get stupid…
Cuddle-time is over! Maybe!
We have a few prominent relationships that may or may not be affected by the Brand split and here they are:
Dean Ambrose and Renee YoungNaomi and Jimmy Uso John Cena and Nikki Bella The Miz and MaryseRusev and LanaNatalya and relevance Eva Marie and a jobPaige and sanity, possibly a boyfriendSummer Rae and airtime
See, with the brand split, Superstars will be relegated to one of the two big shows, Raw or SmackDown Live. Meaning, if you’re in a relationship with someone in the company, and you get drafted to Raw and they get drafted to SmackDown, then you will never see them ever again, ever. I think. At least that’s how they’re acting.
Nikki is more concerned with getting cleared by WWE to wrestle now that her neck seems good, than with whether or not she and John get drafted to the same show. This makes sense since when Cena’s not in the ring, filming non-WWE movies, scaring children at the hospital, or working out, he has to power-down and be kept in a life-sized, hermetically sealed toy package.
It also makes sense because Nikki can’t stop thinking about Nikki unless it’s to bag on her twin sister.
Brie is retired, went home to have babies with Bryan, just as Bryan was feelin’ better and going back on the road to manage SmackDown in a general way. So, great timing, Brie.
Jimmy Uso and Naomi, and Rusev and Lana are both pretty recently married. Rusev and Lana were married on Wednesday morning if you watched the last episode of last year’s season yesterday. So that could end badly.
Dean and Renee are young lovers at the start of their relationship so the timing is garbage for them, too. Natalya should be OK since her husband is at home. Speaking of, shout out to Tyson Kidd, I hope you’re doing well.
Separation anxiety. Necks included.
The best part about Total Divas is the non-TD wrestlers showing up in cameos. Total Divas concentrates on the life of women wrestlers on the road with WWE. Total Bellas, on the other hand, is John Cena trapping the cast in his house and manipulating them with mind-games and malice toward tiny dogs.
If they travel off-site, it’s usually a happy hour at a restaurant or a place for Cena to test drive his penis jokes.
So right off the bat, we get two of my favourites. Cesaro makes fun of eternal fun toilet, Mark Carrano, VP of Talent Relations, for his ridiculous outfit. My friend Griffin is hoping for a spin-off where Cesaro critiques ring gear. So am I, now. Dana Brooke, bullet ant, also makes an appearance and lends very little help to a nervous Eva Marie, who is terrified that she may not be drafted at all.
Natalya, understandably, is hesitant to train with Nikki because Nikki’s coming off of a spinal injury and not an ankle tattoo, even though the trainer’s like “Yo, she’s good, push her like in real wrestling.” NXT's Billie Kay is in the ring, too, but she’s mostly looking at Nikki and Nattie like “Hurry it up, princesses, I have a future that involves wrestling and not fake drafts. Also, where’s Peyton?”
After hearing news from her doctor that nothing is different(?), Paige is stoked that with just a couple weeks of physical therapy she’ll be back in the ring! I guess Paige injured something, probably her neck, so this is good news. Fingers crossed!
Meanwhile, Naomi is stressed to the nines about the draft, and the possibility of her and her Uso hubby, Jimmy getting split by The Draft. In fact, she and Renee are contemplating quitting their jobs if that happens, citing the fact that if they were split they would see their significant others only once a week, or “4 days a year,” because math is not required to be on this show.
My least favourite part of the episode is probably when Eva Marie takes her weird parents, dumb husband, and her stylist for some reason, to a Denny’s or something, so they can heap praise on her for being so strong during these trying times.
These times of not putting in work in the ring and then being confused when fans immediately turn on you. Look, if you present yourself a certain way to the world and people judge you for it, that’s on them. If you blame them for hurting your feelings because of things they said about what you’ve presented, that’s on you.
What I’m saying is, you chose to be a character on WWE television. Learn what that is and what it entails before you do it. Also, train more, and better. But keep that entrance music.
So she’s worried about whether or not she’ll get drafted to Raw so her hair matches, or if she’ll be drafted at all. Renee and Naomi are worried they’ll never get to see their men again. Natalya, and to a lesser extent, Nikki, are worried about Nikki’s neck.
Paige is worried because she’s basically a teenager. I guess Maryse and Lana either don’t care or know something we don’t, because they’re so NOT worried that they barely got any airtime.
All draft breaks loose. Paige included.
Renee stole the answer guide and knew she was gonna be on SmackDown Live, so when Dean Ambrose, her boyfriend, was Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan’s first pick for SDL, she was elated. Natalya also got drafted to SDL, but no one, Nattie included, really cared. Except for Lana, because Nattie is her best mentor friend and she and Rusev got Rawed.
Miz and Maryse were kept together because splitting them apart would be the equivalent of taking the batteries out of your remote control. As soon as Maryse returned by Miz's side, he worked. On every level.
Naomi, who seemed like if she was drafted to Raw after The Usos were drafted to SmackDown, would just open all the veins, gets her wish to be with her husband when she gets picked for the Blue Brand. Paige, however, who is dating someone drafted to SmackDown, gets drafted to Raw. So did Eva Marie, which probably doesn’t help things.
Summer went to Raw, so here’s hoping we get to see more of her. Lana, even though she’s on the same show as Rusev, is miserable because all her friends went to SmackDown Live. Nia Jax is having none of her drama.
Nikki skipped The Draft so she could have more time feeling sorry for her neck, and Brie rolls into to town to visit Natalya and girl gossip about Nikki’s Neck. Brie, like everyone else, told Nattie to chill out and wrestle Nikki and her neck and be a damn professional. So Nattie admitted being wrong, as usual, and gave Nikki’s neck her blessing as Queen of Harts.
Oh, turns out it was a guy named Alberto Del Rio that Paige was dating. I say “was” because they broke up and Paige imploded at the end of the episode and ran off with Alicia Fox. Tune in next week for Episode 612, The Search For Paige and Fox.
Song that was in my head this whole time: Bordering by The Draft.
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Teddy Long snaps when Swerve Strickland's race is brought up HERE
