Previously on this show: Mostly animals
Predictably, this episode starts with a Nikki Bella quote, something about how people think she gets everything because her boyfriend is John Cena. Come on Nikki, no one thinks that. It’s because you’re a twin. Now, moving on…
Everyone’s in Brooklyn for Summerslam! Nothing could possibl-eye go wrong! Nattie and Naomi are waiting to find out who their mystery partner/opponent will be in their match. Then we get the ol’ “Two Weeks Earlier” thing on the screen and my brain melts. We see that there is a mystery afoot, but we don’t know who the mystery partner is yet, but they’re going to tell this story like it’s a lazy Memento.
They forgot that they’re supposed to tell the story backwards from the reveal, and not from the beginning of the mystery. If you don’t start with something that reveals the end, it’s just a clunky way to tell the story. This is all made way worse when you take into consideration that THIS WAS FILMED NINE MONTHS AGO. Any backwards, mysterious nonsense they’re trying to sell now has already been sold out BY THEMSELVES – NINE MONTHS AGO.
Also, this could be Eva Marie’s final WWE appearance! PHEW!
Sorry, back to this timeline...
The summer’s biggest prom (because Big Show will be there)
Back to something that actually makes sense, The Miz is leaf blowing any enclosed patio with his shirt off while Maryse is taking selfies. They combine these activities so Maryse’s hair can be windswept for her selfies, because they are the perfect couple. At least as far a pro wrestling goes.
Maryse wants to have a party, because apparently she and The Miz are very good at throwing them and they haven’t done one since New Year’s. The Miz is against it, especially since she wants it to be a prom-themed party, and in most cases, adults dressing up and acting like high schoolers is the bottom worst. But when The Miz finds out she was dumped before her prom and never got to go, he promises her they will have the BEST prom-themed party ever. That’s because Mizzle is literally awesome.
The Miz, the perfect husband that he is, buys a dress for Maryse for the prom party, and takes the Pretty Woman joke too far, but it’s adorable all the same. Maryse loves the dress because it’s almost exactly like the one she was going to wear to her original, real prom. I even thought the dress was pretty, but I mix plaids with other plaids and often stripes, so what do I know? I wear white after Labor Day like it’s my job.
...and now for something completely less interesting
At Nikki and John’s beach house, Nikki laments on why she’s not back in the ring yet. It’s your neck, Nicole, remember? We’ve spent the whole season on your neck. We’re losing precious ‘Chateau MarMiz’ time here.
Anyway, Brie proudly asks her husband Daniel Bryan if he can put in a good word for her sister’s neck (or whatever). Nikki hates this, because she thinks it makes her look like she’s begging for a job. She doesn’t want it to look like she gets anything handed to her, and that she gets it all from her own hard work. This is the same Nikki who asked Daniel Bryan to train her when he was dealing with his own depression on Total Bellas.
Bryan inexplicably takes Nikki’s side, but whatever... I’m done trying to decode the Bella Twin’s storylines. It’s well documented that they have issues with basic words, to begin with, and toss that in with nonsense storytelling... how am I supposed to understand what either of their motivations are?
Brie apologises for trying to help, but Nikki’s kind of a jerk about it, anyway. I sure can’t wait for the show that they’re the focus of comes back this summer!
Saved by the Belding
Eva Marie is also in New York for the summer, and she’s pretty stoked! After all her hard work, going to NXT to train, she’s finally got a storyline and upcoming match. This should go swimmingly!
It does not. Three days before her match at Summerslam, she’s suspended for failing a drug test. She says she’s clean and it’s just late paperwork for a prescription she’s been taking since high school. Has anyone seen Paige?
Lana shows up right after Eva Marie leaves town, as a red herring for the “who will replace Eva Marie at Summerslam?” that was hinted at the top of the show. Regardless, this could’ve worked because Lana is ALSO not known for her wrestling. Instead, we get Nikki Bella as the mystery opponent, because this is actually Total Bellas in disguise.
In preparation for Summerslam, Lana battle-dance challenges Naomi. When and where? Fake Prom, yo! My money’s on Naomi. I guess they need partners for the showdown so Naomi picks her Uso husband and Lana picks Natalya. Natalya lied about her dancing abilities, as she has none.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love The Miz more, he got Mr. Belding from the American TV show, Saved By The Bell, to be the principal for the prom. The Miz forever! The only downside is he called the dance battle a tie. Get outta here with that 50/50 booking, Butt Monkey!
The best part of the episode, not involving The Miz or Maryse: Nattie saying that when she comes out dancing she’s gonna “free-ball it”. Pretty sure she meant “freestyle” and doesn’t know what free-balling means. This delights me to no end.
Runner-up: Lana practices her breakdancing moves on the street to a small crowd, wearing what appears to be Bray Wyatt’s old butcher outfit from NXT.
Unfortunately, the Bellas will be back soon with their own show (what’s this then?). Fingers crossed, when Divas comes back, Dana Brooke is the focus.
Oh, yeah, Brie reveals she’s pregnant at the end of the episode, but really how often does WWE follow through with storylines?
