The Elimination Chamber, slash last minute Wrestlemania Booking Pt. 1, is this Sunday in Phoenix, AZ, and I’m worried. We haven’t seen the Chamber since early 2015 when they decided to jam tag teams into it (and two of those teams had three members).
Whatever, the most memorable thing that ever happened in the EC was when RVD awkwardly frog splashed off the top and crushed HHH’s throat bone. This year, it’s a chance to get Cena out of the main event at Wrestlemania 23, sorry, 33.
Smackdown has honestly been the superior brand since the split. They have storylines, regardless of quality, which they see through best they can, beginning to middle to end.
They have young talent that they give opportunities to, they have the single best wrestler of the year, AJ Styles, and they even managed to push two separate women’s division feuds at the same time*. And they do all of this with a smaller roster AND Baron Corbin. It’s more than I can say for Raw right now.
So I’m nervous because as it stands now, Wrestlemania will be The Champion John Cena vs The Rumble Winner Randy Orton.
It will be their 45th PPV match against each other. I’m only assuming they’ve wrestled 44 times already because 45 is the highest number known to man, so if they wrestled even one more time OVER 45 I think the entire world just implodes or something.
Also read: Video: 10 most destructive Elimination Chamber moments
So sure, right now we get Cena/Orton: The Final Last Match Ever, and I can’t think of a more tired, boring match up for the main event at Wrestlemania. OK, yes: I am seriously digging the new “old” John Cena, especially if it means we get matches like the one he had against Styles at the Royal Rumble.
And as milquetoast marquee as Randy Orton can be, I’m totally ok with him winning the Rumble and heading to Mania because that means the belt is getting closer to Bray Wyatt, and I’m always down to see creative try to book Wyatt into pretty much anything. But I have ZERO interest in a Cena/Orton program.
They’re not gonna do that, right? They can’t. But is it so easy just to bump Cena out of the World Heavyweight Championship so we can have a fresh, new match up and put over a wrestler from the “new generation” that they keep telling us is a thing?
From the perspective of Vince McMahon’s Wallet, it’s next to impossible.
#1 American Alpha (c) vs The Ascension vs The Usos vs The Vaudevillains vs Breezango vs Heath Slater & Rhyno – Tag Team Championship
I’m looking forward to this match only because I’m a fan of everyone involved. It’s certainly not the storylines going in, which have been reduced to “these are tag teams.” The only thing this match has going for it is the physical entertainment it can possibly deliver.
I mean that in a good way. Every other match on the card is either surrounded in confusion, dread, hope, or anger. Usually a toxic combination of all four. If they’re not gonna bother stapling a story onto it, I can just shut my mind up and enjoy some incredibly talented wrestlers do awesome tag team stuff.
Also, can we get Simon Gotch some of his shine back? Double also, can we give the belts to Breezango and start giving them like twenty minutes of backstage Well Dressed Authority shenanigans every episode of Smackdown? Dammit! There’s my stupid hope seeping in again.
#2 Apollo Crews and Kalisto vs Dolph Ziggler – 2 on 1 Handicap Match
I have no idea what Dolph is doing these days. I guess he’s a heel now for kicking a dude in the heart that honestly, I’ve kinda wanted to kick before myself.
Not sure why he hates Apollo and Kalisto all of a sudden but whatever, Dolph is very good at putting people over and making them look like a million bucks while doing so, so maybe he’s just challenging himself to do it to two people at the same time?
If anyone needs to go over and look good it’s Crews and Kalisto. Two dudes who on paper are amazing and kids 8-13 should be blackmailing their parents into buying their merch, but can’t connect with a crowd of 1.
I think the only way I could get into those two guys is if they fused together to make some hybrid Crewlisto that wore a mask with just a smiling mouth and gained double flip abilities.
Dolph couldn’t even get a spot in the Chamber this year, but I can’t see Kalisto OR Apollo Crews using the momentum from a win here, so I guess Dolph should win. Although his career these days is so stop-start I don’t see the point to that either.
A win does nothing for anybody in this match so I’m gonna call outside interference from someone exciting. Like maybe The Suicide Spirit Squad help Dolph, which would just be Kenny and Mikey dressed up as the Joker and Harley Quinn, and Curt Hawkins could be Boomerang.
I guess that would make Ziggy their Rick Flag, but he’s got some Killer Frost in him too. It’ll be like a new, more flamboyant Shield!
#3 Naomi vs Alexa Bliss (c) – Smackdown Women’s Championship
I’m really sick of listening to the commentators say that Naomi is “athletic” and then nothing else at all. In pro wrestling that’s less character development than just saying “She’s a girl!” At least then you eliminate an entire gender in her sport for her to be compared to.
Of course she’s athletic, it’s her job. In my opinion, she has the crispest move-set in the entire company. But she’s also smart, funny, versatile and probably a better actor than any combination of Bellas you can think of. She’s been killing it since she was a dancing dinosaur groupie.
While Bayley is the pure, loving side of my heart, Alexa is the cold, black side that’s still upset about Glenn Close dying at the end of Fatal Attraction. I love her. She can tell Anna Karenina-sized stories in the ring with just her face.
She’s gotten immensely better due to her work with Becky Lynch since coming up from NXT. I really like that the new guard is being challenged by the old guard that’s NOT Natalya or Nikki Bella, so these matches, while having the same “I’ve been here longer so I'm better/I’m new and exciting so I’m better” vibe, it at least seems fresh.
So yeah, let Naomi show off the fact that she’s been working like crazy since before the yoots crashed the party.
I wanna see her and Alexa use the same booking storyline that seems to have been copy/pasted at 2015’s office party and passed around to all the writers, and surprise the hell out of everyone by putting on the dopest match on the show. Let’s keep the title on Alexa for now, though.
#4 Becky Lynch vs Mickie James
James is transitioning back into the WWE surprisingly smoothly. Becky Lynch is a perfect return feud for her, and again, while it’s packaged in the same “Old Guard vs Women’s Revolution” thing, it’s still a totally new match up, so I’m into it.
James has still got it and carries herself perfectly as a heel vet. Her motivations make sense, she feels like she’s not getting credit for being a badass women’s pioneer and teamed up with the only person she feels gave her the respect she deserves.
It’s not like she’s been there for over a decade solid and all of the sudden noticed someone had more t-shirts for sale at the merch table.
My only problem is that now we have the lone Horsewoman on Smackdown thrown out of the Championship scene and into a fight with someone who she didn’t initially have any beef with. Becky seems like the type who would be amped to learn from a returning vet like Mickie.
But Mickie took the first swing and probably the last. James hasn’t won a WWE sanctioned match since Royal Rumble... seven years ago. She’s definitely due for a singles win and is probably owed one for getting sunk by Asuka first day back.
#5 Nikki Bella vs Natalya
I’ve heard people refer to the promo part of this feud as “Total Divas-esque.” It’s not. It’s worse because on Total Divas at least they have the time to write, re-write, memorise and recite the dialogue.
For real, the physical aspects are passable but as soon as either of them starts yelling about t-shirts and buses or is Nikki Bella, I immediately forget what’s going on and lose control of some basic motor functions.
I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how they’re gonna set up a Big Stage Match for Nikki at Mania, and let’s be honest, it probably won’t involve Nattie. So this is probably just a last minute stats push for Nikki.
Natalya will be lucky to get into another “All Women On Deck” showcase match on the Pre-Kickoff Show.
#6 Luke Harper vs Randy Orton
Randy Orton joining the Wyatt Family was the best possible move for everyone involved.
Bray can’t keep his family off the injured list or even on the same show he’s on, and Randy’s most memorable moment before teaming with the swamp monsters and winning tag gold was getting his head caved in by a forest monster at Summerslam. So when they Voltron-ed up I was fully on board.
Since nothing gold in the WWE can stay, they told the story but they told it too quick.
Randy fights Bray, then joins him and Luke Harper to become a dominant team that immediately gets the tag belts the same night.
Tensions between Old Man Harper and Orton heat up and now the only way I want them to go for there to be ANY payoff to the entirety of The Wyatt Family’s existence is to have Randy fight Bray at Wrestlemania.
Which means that we have to get through Harper vs Orton for an inevitable Orton win, which sucks because Luke Harper is horribly underrated. Best case scenario is that they hash out their issues, become super best friends again, and the Wyatt Family rolls into Wrestlemania strong. Or, like I said…
#7 John Cena (c), Bray Wyatt, The Miz, Dean Ambrose, AJ Styles, Baron Corbin - Elimination Chamber WWE Championship
Bray. Finally.
While I’d be into The Miz winning it, and AJ sort of deserves it after the year he had, Bray’s been waiting for awhile. So have his dedicated, sometimes delisional fans. So have I. So yeah, let the cult leader/swamp enthusiast be at the top of the Wrestlemania card this year.
Bray’s been loaded in the gun for like 3 years. Does gunpowder have an expiration date?
They keep talking about how they build new stars but they never pull the trigger. When push comes to shove they just push and shove old stars out and expect people that have watched for years and paid attention to be super happy for nostalgia.
Nostalgia is fine, but it’s a dead end when you own a company that should be showing us new stars every day and building the future on their backs. Bray is the one that makes the most sense. The Wyatt Family can finally reach its’ ascension (heh), and dominate 2017. Occult Swamp Enthusiasts, unite and take over.
Anyone but Corbin.
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