"If I talk about it outside, they'll think I am weak" - Harbhajan Singh opens up on mental health issues during 'Monkeygate' saga

Harbhajan Singh has admitted struggling with his mental health during the infamous 'Monkeygate' saga during India's tour of Australia in 2007-08.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting accused Harbhajan of calling Andrew Symonds a 'monkey' during the second Test of the series. Match referee Mike Proctor found the spinner guilty of racial abuse and handed him a three-match ban.

A huge controversy blew up as the Indians expressed their displeasure at the call, maintaining that Harbhajan had not used a racial slur and that the Australians misunderstood a Hindi phrase that the spinner had used. But that didn't stop local media and spectators from constantly chastising and booing the visitors.

The former off-spinner revealed that sitting in his room, he used to ponder what he's done to deserve to be called a racist every day. He said he used to struggle thinking about his kids and what they'll think about him in the future. Amid all this, he didn't want to talk about it to others as he feared being stigmatized as 'weak'.

Speaking on Boria Majumdar's show "Backstage with Boria", the 41-year-old said:

"That was a very difficult time. People didn't know much about mental health. I used to think if I talk about it outside, they'll think I am weak. So I dealt with it in my own way. Sitting in my room, I used to think I didn't even say anything to deserve such things. Every day my photo was in the newspapers, I was being called a racist. I didn't want my kids to look at those clips and videos and think, 'My dad said something that created such a huge ruckus'. So it was a very difficult time. I am glad that people are opening up about their mental health problems now but in those days I used to feel that people would call me weak for taking a step back or crying."

The racism charge was eventually dropped due to a lack of evidence. Harbhajan was instead charged with a level 2.8 offense, which stood for abuse and insults not amounting to racism. He pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined 50 percent of his match fee.

India bounced back to win the next Test in Perth but lost the series 2-1. In the Commonwealth Bank ODI series that followed, India defeated Australia thrice to win the trophy, with Harbhajan getting Symonds out twice in the last two games.

In this regard, the former spinner said:

"God was, you know, as always very very kind and he gave me the result we were all looking for. Matthew Hayden and Andrew Symmonds, both of who were involved in that incident, I got them both out in the semi-final (of the Commonwealth ODI series) then also in the final."

Symonds maintained his stance that Harbhajan called him a 'monkey' multiple times, even saying that the incident left a deep scar on his heart and also led to his alcohol abuse.

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"If you are being wrongly blamed then you should go out there and fight" - Harbhajan Singh

When asked if he ever thought about leaving cricket, Harbhajan said he didn't. He remarked that he wanted to fight for his cause without letting his cricket suffer.

He said:

"No I didn't think on those lines (leaving cricket). For me, the important thing was if you have not done anything wrong, then fight for it but if you are wrong then immediately appologise. You don't belittle yourself by appologising. But if you are being wrongly blamed then you should go out there and fight whether it's against one person or 1.25 lakh. I never thought about leaving cricket because cricket is the biggest thing for me. Whatever they did, I promised myself to not let my cricket suffer."

Harbhajan announced his retirement in December last year, finishing with 417 wickets in Tests, 269 in ODIs and 25 in T20Is.