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Satire: Man held for offering to do Australia's homework

Disclaimer: The following article is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously.

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“I am shocked and disgusted. Australian cricket hasn’t seen such underhanded, dirty, unscrupulous methods since Greg Chappell played.” – Micky Arthur

Shikhar Dhawan’s blistering century on Saturday was completely overshadowed by news of the latest scandal to hit cricket, after the revelation that Shahid Afridi was using age-altering pills.

Yusuf Mohammad Ali ‘Copy’ Khan has been held by BCCI authorities, for having offered to do the Australian cricket team’s ‘homework’ for a fee. Khan has a thriving business in New Delhi’s Rajiv Chowk, where he caters to students all over NCR – doing their assignments, projects and dissertations. Operating out of a hole-in-the-wall behind a hooch bar (which he says is to keep “any professors in the area away”), Khan’s popularity has spread like wildfire across college students looking for “professional educational assistance”, as Khan’s shop sign says.

“When I heard that coach Mickey Mouse Arthur was giving the Australians homework, I realised this was the perfect opportunity for me to go international,” says Khan. Khan found his way through to the bar where the Aussies were drowning their sorrows after the walloping meted out to them in Hyderabad. “The players were complaining about their coach having given them homework, and how they had to submit an overnight assignment, while they were initially looking forward to drinking, sleeping and thinking of women. I realised that their case was no different from that of an Engineering student from Delhi University, and jumped upon the opportunity.”

Some players took up this offer, while others didn’t and have been sent back home. However, Khan made the mistake of sending his invoice to the Hyderabad hotel, who promptly forwarded it to coach Arthur in Mohali, who was left fuming. “I am shocked and disgusted. Australian cricket hasn’t seen such underhanded, dirty, unscrupulous methods since Greg Chappell played,” he said while installing Office 2012 updates on his computer.

The revelation has left former Australian cricketers seething and shaking their heads at the unscrupulous ways of today’s generation. “In my day, we would practice nothing but total honesty,” proclaimed leg-spinning legend Shane Warne. When reminded of his association with intake of banned drugs, he quickly took out his phone, mumbled something about being late for live-tweeting Liz Hurley’s latest bake sale and went off in the general direction of Canberra.

Former skipper Steve Waugh, known for his relentless grit went on record saying, “Well, it looks like that XI has just dropped the Baggy Green.” Not all former legends are up in arms, however. The erring Australian players found support from legend Ricky Ponting, who admitted to putting fake doctor statements in order to avoid playing against Ishant Sharma, a move that has been perfected by Indian school students for generations (hence showing that the Australians can indeed learn something from our glorious culture).

Things seem happy in the Indian camp, however – following the two comprehensive wins, coach Duncan Fletcher gave his troops a day off, leaving an excitable Ajinkya Rahane running around screaming, “Free period! Free period!”

In news that might be related, commentary stalwart Ravi Shastri’s old school documents have been uncovered. Interestingly, the young Shastri developed the habit of writing the same answer for multiple subjects. “He was extraordinary. He’d just use the same words for different exams, for different subjects. And I don’t know why, but it just seemed right. Actually, we all just passed him because his handwriting was a pain to see,” remarked one of Shastri’s old professors, who also revealed that his former pupil once misbehaved in class, and had a chalk thrown at him, following which Shastri excitedly got up and yelled ‘Tracer Bullet!’ “Alas, little did I know what I had ignited,” lamented the octogenarian professor.

Last seen, VVS Laxman was being given extra coaching classes on how to correctly pronounce Shikhar Dhawan’s name.

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