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Satire: The Ashes commentary by the characters of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

A Blackadder
FEATURED WRITER
Modified 05 Jan 2014

So instead of their apartment in New York, the whole case suddenly finds itself in a commentary box. What follows is unexpected, of course

The characters of the TV show F.R.I.E.N.D.S call one of the Ashes Test matches.

Ross: Hello and welcome to the start of England’s reply.
Chandler: The Australians have just been bowled out.

George Bailey’s dismissal is replayed

Phoebe: Bailey’s bat, BAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLEY’s bat, who’s the idiot holding you. Bailey’s bat, BAAAAAIIIIILLLLLLLEY’s bat, it’s not your fault.
Rachel: White with green caps, I just don’t see it. Who designs their costumes?
Ross: Mitchell Johnson running in.
Rachel: It’s like they’re not even trying. The other team wore white with blue caps…
Chandler: He’s left the ball alone. You know all about being left alone, don’t you, Richard?
Richard: You’ve got to admire Johnson’s moustache.
Chandler: A psychic, a horse whisperer and a video analyst walk into a bar.
Richard: So manly.
Chandler: Oh wait, the England backroom staff isn’t allowed in bars..
Richard: So macho.
Chandler: Another leave.
Richard: So virile.
Chandler: Left alone again.

This time the batsman makes contact, they run 2

Monica: You throw like a girl!
Ross: That was a good throw, Mon.
Monica: Oh what do you know! I don’t understand how England could pick Borthwick.
Ross: A part time leg-spinner is as good as a specialist spinner. Just like a PHD is as good as an MD.

The entire commentary box bursts into laughter, Ross storms out.

Joey: The ball almost kisses off-stump.
Chandler: Could it BE any closer?
Joey: The batsman flirts with the ball.

Gunther walks in bearing coffee

Joey: Where have you been?
Gunther: I wasn’t invited….
Monica: Do you ladies want to talk about your feelings or do you want to call this game?

The ball thunders into the batsman’s pads.

Joey: How you doin?
Janice: OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!!!!
Chandler: Could that BE any more plumb?

Ross hurries back in

Ross: What did I miss?
Rachel: Well one of the players changed his green cap for a white floppy one, but I don’t think it’s made much of a difference.
Ross: I missed a wicket?
Monica: You snooze, you lose!
Ross: But. But. But. WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

DISCLAIMER – This is a satire, and should be taken in jest.

Published 05 Jan 2014
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