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Humour: The Roast of Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi - Hosted by Zlatan Ibrahimovic

17.44K   //    15 Feb 2015, 10:44 IST

Disclaimer: This article is a work of [very wicked] imagination and was made for humour purposes. Any resemblance with any person dead or alive is purely coincidental (yes, really).

The stage is set. Sportskeeda have organized a grand event, “Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi Roast,” where both these players will be roasted by a roaster list that includes Manuel Neuer, Frank Ribery, Irina Shayk, Jose Mourinho and Pepe.

Frank Ribery was wearing a t-shirt that read “Why Always Cristiano and Messi?,” and looked all set to rip apart both – especially the Portuguese – with the script he had written. Manuel Neuer was sweeping the floor in an attempt to further show his skills as a sweeper-keeper.

Irina Shayk had a lot of secrets to reveal about her ex-boyfriend and Jose Mourinho had a rosary bead which he was using to chant “I am the best” incessantly. And Pepe was sharpening the spikes of his boots while giving hostile stares at Lionel Messi.

The two subjects – Cristiano and Messi – were anxiously seated wondering what fate had in store for them. They looked like two kids who have been asked to stay back after school for detention purposes, but yet don’t know what kind of punishment awaits them.

As the curtains are opened, the host of the show appears to a big round of applause. The host is none other than Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Zlatan host roast

Zlatan: “My name is Zlatan Ibrahimovic, you definitely know this. Everybody knows Zlatan. Everyone might not know Jesus, but everyone knows Zlatan. I am Zlatan. Zlatan’s name is so cool that Zlatan just loves repeating it always.

“You all know that Zlatan is a great player, but today Zlatan is displaying his skills as a host. And Zlatan is already showing that he is great at this. Zlatan is unique; he scores unique goals, has a unique hair-beard combination and a unique style of talking. Hence, Zlatan’s hosting style is also unique.


“All hosts talk about the show or its participant, not Zlatan. Not Zlatan talks about himself. This show might be named as Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi roast, but the real star of this show is Zlatan. People have tuned in to watch Zlatan speak; not those two boring people who have put on a façade to mix with a society that lauds people like Pep Guardiola.”

Show producer, Hardik Vyas, appears from backstage in an attempt to signal the Swedish to stop delaying the start of the show by talking about himself. Zlatan Ibrahimovic gives him a stare that is deadlier than the teeth of Luis Suarez. Mr. Vyas then fled to hide himself in the toilet and wasn’t seen anywhere near Ibrahimovic.

Zlatan: “Anyways, I will save the rest of the entertainment for later and let these soporific hacks take over and put you to somnolence before I once again hit the stage and zing you out of the induced slumber.

“First to come and speak is the wanker who cries more than a b***h in mating season, Frank Ribery. Give him a big round of applause just so that he doesn’t wank about the lack of it too.”

Frank Ribery: “F**k you, Zlatan!”

Zlatan readies himself to take a flight and execute his trademark Kung-Fu kick…

Frank Ribery: “You are awesome! F**k, man, you are awesome. That’s what I meant to say. Jeez, man, your reflexes are quicker than the speed at which that cry-baby Ronaldo falls on the floor to moan for a penalty.

“Hi, guys, I am Ribery – the guy who was robbed off of a Ballon d’Or by an underwear model.”

Cristiano: “Hey, man, cut the crap already. Your a** is so bitter that bitter melon can be grown out of it.”

Frank Ribery: “Yes, that is the taste of truth, my friend. No, wait, you are not my friend. What did you win that year with your Club, huh? I won a historic treble with Bayern and was the best player of the team. Yeah, you scored goals, but I could had too if I didn’t track back to defend and play for the team – unlike you narcissist who waits for the ball to come to him like a hooker waits for her customer with open legs.

“You robbed me off my birthright. My daughter was so sure that I would win the Ballon d’Or that she even made a crafty shelf out of thermocol and cardboard for me to keep the trophy. You broke the heart of a little girl who never did anything wrong to you, you cruel b***ard. You are much worse than Hitler. Much, much worse.

Franck Ribery vents his frustration during the roast

Ribery turns to Messi: “And you little midget. How bad do you have to play to not get selected in the top 3 every year? You are like the good student who always gets good grades even if he crapped on his answer sheet.  It seems like you are using your height to good use as it’s easy to suck on things being that short.”

Lionel Messi: “Well, yeah, and you are also of the same height, but too bad that that scar on your face scares off even pigs, let alone Human beings who run UEFA.”

Frank Ribery: “Oh, wow, even the good boy can insult. You have fooled so many with that innocent face that we could celebrate Fool’s day on your birthday instead of the 1st of April.”

The Frenchmen then left the podium with tears in his eyes and next on the mic was his Bayern team-mate, Manuel Neuer.

Manuel Neuer: “Hello, I am Manuel Neuer. Like my team-mate, I was robbed off of the Ballon d’Or by that walking hairgel bottle. And, more ridiculously, didn’t even come second because everyone likes baby-faces more than warrior.

Cristiano: “Warrior? Hahaha! Your face is the most punchable face in Football.”

Manuel Neuer: “You punch warriors.”

Cristiano: “Fine, then, you have a slapable face and bi***es get slapped. And that, you are.”

Manuel Neuer: “Let me just pretend that you don’t exist because you don’t make sense to me. The only thing worse than not winning the Ballon d’Or, despite being fully deserving of it, is that losing it to two douchebags like you. One wasn’t even the best player of his country Argentina and the other only scores from penalties.

“You guys are to Football what cancer is to mankind – deadliest disease that just doesn’t seem to leave the face of Earth, and in this case, the Ballon d’Or gala. I am waiting for the year where you both won’t be in the top 3 – but perhaps I won’t be alive to see it, and even if I am, my gender organ will be hanging like the garden of Babylon.”

Manuel Neuer leaves the podium for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to take over once again.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: “What lame and boring d**ks, can’t even insult each other properly. Let Zlatan show you how it should be done.”

Turns to Cristiano

Zlatan: “Your ex-squeeze is about to come on and reveal your secrets. Zlatan is pretty sure that The Rock is going more deep than you…..with her feelings, of course. You should take lessons on how to handle your girl from Zlatan – look at Zlatan, he is with Helena for the last 14 years. In that period, you were dumped by more girls than Zlatan took dumps on the toilet seat.

“And Zlatan doesn’t even buy her gifts because Zlatan is her most precious gift and she doesn’t need anything else and that’s why doesn’t even ask for any. Unlike you, who spends half his money on hairgel bottles and other half on his girlfriends.”

Cristiano: “Irina used to buy with her own-“

Zlatan: “Shut the ***k up! You are not supposed to talk – you are being roasted. Have you ever seen a whole chicken retort when it is being roasted with a rod inserted in its b***hole? Look at Messi, quiet and maintaining his obedient school-boy behavior which was instilled by Pep Guardiola when he clipped his sack and threw it in a pond deeper than the philosophies of Jose Mourinho.”

Messi: “Hey, man, come on, don’t say things like that, please.”

Zlatan: “Don’t get Zlatan started on Pep Guardiola’s methods now otherwise the other so-called roasters won’t be able to talk. Irina, Zlatan gives you the honour of being one of the very few people who were spoken to with courtesy by him. Please come on the podium and say a few words.”

Irina Shayk: “Thank you, Zlatan. I will take a moment to correct the sexist ba***rd that you are and say that Cristiano actually didn’t spend that much on me. I am an independent woman and make my own living. It is because of sexist people like you that women are seen in such a negative way…”

Zlatan: “You would probably be in the kitchen right now if you didn’t have that face and body.”

Irina: “See, that’s exactly what I am trying to say. Goodness knows how Helena tolerates you. I will actually take this opportunity to ask you: how the hell do you guys kiss? I mean a tank wouldn’t go through that nose of yours, so how does Helena manage? Doesn’t she feel like a truck hit her nose whenever you guys try to lip lock?”

Zlatan: “Come to Zlatan and Zlatan will show you how.”

Irina Shayk
Irina Shayk

Irina: “I would rather kiss someone who has herpes. Anyways, this is not about you. You are irrelevant.”

Zlatan: “If you weren’t a girl, you wouldn’t have a single teeth remaining by now.”

Irina: “No wonder why Helena never asks for gifts. You know what, I came here to say a lot of things about Cristiano, but I no longer have the desire to because now I think that he treated me very well. I can only thank God that I never fell in the hands of a sexist t**t like you.

“But since this show is a roast on Cristiano and Messi, it would be wrong if I said nothing about them. Cris, man, how much older do you have to grow in order for your mother to no longer change your diapers? Or, rather, for you to no longer wear diapers at all? Yeah, I know that your mom gave you birth and all, but that doesn’t mean that you treat other women like a pig that treats clean food.

“And, Leo, you are always going to stay in my ex-boyfriend’s shadow – be it literally or in Football terms. If Cris used growth hormones to cheat his way up, the four Ballon d’Ors that you so proudly keep in your cabinet would be at Cristiano’s museum now.”

Irina Shayk leaves the stage and makes way for Jose Mourinho.

Jose Mourinho: “I don’t think you people deserve my greetings and you already know who I am. The only person here who deserves anything from me is Ibra: so, hello, Ibra. Hope all’s good.”

Zlatan: “You are the only thing apart Zlatan that is interesting about this show.”

Jose: “I know right! Anyways, I don’t care if you call me arrogant, but I am a two-time European champion and I am the Only One. It is because of me that Cristiano won the last two Ballon d’Ors, otherwise he would still be in the abyss of Lionel Messi’s shadow.”

Cristiano: “It is actually because of me that you could win a major trophy with Real Madrid. Even Sam Allardyce is more sophisticated than you. You made Real play uglier Football than sin. You awoke the Lucifer in every players’ hearts – especially my friend Pepe’s. Even Marcelo stopped being funny under your grim visage. You eclipsed Marcelo’s sunshine.”

Jose Mourinho roast

Jose: “In this day and age, only the good die young and the evil live forever. That’s why my teams and methods live forever. “

Cristiano: “You mean the tarnished image of Real Madrid under your tutelage? Yes, true.”

Jose: “You know nothing about Football. If you tracked back like I used to ask you to instead of standing in front waiting for the ball like a f**king pot dealer waits for teenagers, we would have won the treble that season. Ribery is right; he is a much better player than you are. He is tactically perfect, you are a tactical nuisance. “

Cristiano: “What the f**k, man? Is this a Cristiano Ronaldo only roast? Why are all you f**kers targeting only me? I don’t remember killing your puppies or destroying your sand houses in the beach or stealing your candies, then what the f**k have I done to you all that you treat me so disrespectfully?

“I think I know why. It is because I am the highest paid personality in Football, most handsome man in Football and the best Footballer in this Humanity-forsaken world. That’s f**king why.”

Jose: “No, it is because you are arrogant and narcissist as f**k. If you had an ounce of humility in you, people would have adored you, like they adore me.

“Lionel, Lionel…Leo. How does it feel to play for a team that is backed by UEFA and always come on the pitch with 12 players? They say you can’t score without Xavi and Iniesta, but that’s a lie. The truth is, you can’t score without referees; they cover your a** like Rikishi covered faces with his.

“The way you sit quietly, it makes me feel like your mother used to stick lollipop in your mouth when you were a child. You had good training and favourable height, my boy.

“Before I leave, let me tell you guys that I am the reason why this show is on. I am the reason why you guys eat, sleep, shit and breathe. I am the reason why humanity is still alive. I am the reason for you people’s existence and I should be thanked for everything.”

After Mourinho took leave, the last roaster – Pepe – made his way to the podium.

Pepe: “Let me make something clear first of all. Actually, two things. One: Jose Mourinho is an a**hole. Two: I am here to roast only Lionel Messi. Cristiano has a nice tan and doesn’t need roasting.

“There are two types of people in this world. Actually, I don’t know how many types are there because I don’t really care – only thing I care about is ripping off the hearts of innocent people and eating their souls on a full-moon day – but one kind of people show who they are and the other wear a mask.

“Lionel Messi is of the latter kind. If they made a remake of The Mask, they could cast Lionel Messi and he won’t even have to wear a mask. Behind that veil of illuminating virtue lives a soul in the shadows. That evil soul pounces on the children of light when the referee is not looking because the referee is hypnotized by the sorcery induced by that dark entity.


“This Argentine is that dark matter. He spellbound you into believing that I stepped on his hand, when it was actually the other way around – he put his hand under my boot to create an uneven plane so that twist my ankle and get injured.

“He made me look like the villain, when I was the victim. He is like Harvey Dent; two faced. There, another movie role for him.”

Messi: “You-”

Pepe: “Don’t you dare, don’t you f**king dare open your mouth in my presence. I will shatter it to pieces and then you can’t give favours to UEFA officials. When I look at those photos where Xavi had to drag your drunk a** out, I wonder whether your son is actually your son or someone else’s assist. Yeah, you might have scored the main goal – given your son’s resemblance with you – but there seems to some kind of assistance.”

Zlatan: “Okay, man, enough. Zlatan wants to speak now. Your boring speeches are killing Zlatan.

“One thing is common between Cristiano and Messi: they don’t have balls like Zlatan’s. Actually, no-one has balls like Zlatan. When Zlatan wants a pay-rise, he openly says it. Unlike these two cowards. One says that he isn’t happy and the Club knows why and the other refuses to train or follow coach’s order. Be a man. For once in your life, stand up for yourself instead of your agents sucking it out for you.

“The amount of hypocrites in this society sickens Zlatan. Zlatan doesn’t know how the Guardiola-syndrome spread so rapidly, but Zlatan will make sure to find a cure. If it were up to that bald b****rd, every person in the world would have been forced to drive Toyota Corollas instead of Ferraris or Lamborghinis.

“Zlatan has been told by the producers to conclude the show by asking the two roasted chickens to give a speech each. Zlatan won’t waste his precious time by letting those f***ers make elaborate speeches on the mic. Zlatan already knows what they will say. They will say that it was a good and unique event and blah-blah.

“F**k you, guys. You both have been insulted more than mankind was when they let Justin Bieber to stardom. You both have been insulted more than Hollywood was when they let Paris Hilton become an actress. In fact, and Zlatan doesn’t say this often, you guys have been insulted more than Zlatan was by Pep Guardiola.

“If Zlatan was in your place tonight, none of these s**mbags would have left in one piece. There would have been blood all over. This stage would have been a f**king Quentin Tarantino movie.”

Show producer Hardik Vyas then ordered the curtains to be closed and the microphones to be switched off before Zlatan could say another word. It has been reported that he was seen in a hospital 30 minutes after the show ended with gnashed teeth and a dislocated jaw. 

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Writing was just a hobby I picked to escape from the stress of A-levels. And now, it is exactly what pays my bills every month. Write for multiple platforms with interest in both football and cricket. Have a tendency to be on the dark side.
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