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Qualities define us. How we behave in front of others is the trademark by which people know us for everything we do echoes between the walls of eternity. Similarly, in football, how the players, manager and board of a certain team behave also defines the image of the club.
Some clubs are known for their lavish approach in the transfer market, while some others for their overly-defensive tactics and some for their better-than-thou attitude.
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So what if fans behaved like the clubs they support? Here, we let our wildest imaginations run without boundaries.
Chelsea Fans
Their philosophy in life: the entire universe is on one side, while they are on the other – trying to stop the rest from bringing them down because the universe is jealous of their success.
And they do it by parking the bus in front of them. You see, the bus is their shield – they protect themselves from the evil attempts of the world to invade their homes and snatch their happiness away from them.
The bus. It is to them what the shield is to Captain America. They are a peaceful bunch of people because they don’t attack the others, rather just defend themselves and their assets – assets which were won using oil money.
Once upon a time, they were penniless – wandering around with their humble accessories and scrapping something once in a very long while. One day, they met their savior – a man with oil and oil in this world means money, just ask USA – and he offered to give them some of his money.
And all he asked in return was their soul and they sold it to him without hesitation.
The rest, as they say, is history – something which they didn’t have before that oil man offered to become their guardian. Under the guard of the oil man, they bought THE BUS that stands in front of their home as their shield. That bus brought them a lot of joy and success.
However, with happiness comes gloom too, that is the nature of life. When the evil forces the world successfully block glory from entering their house, the bus driver gets fired and a new driver is brought in to display his parking skills.
Such is the life of Chelsea fans. They throw money to solve problems and whine when they don’t get solved.
Barcelona Fans
Half of the world’s mushroom trade is overseen by them; they just love picking mushrooms. Another thing they excel is at levelling grass. Have a barren field and want to grow mushrooms on it? Have a garden with uneven patches of grass? Simply pick up your phone call the nearest Barca fan.
They are also a bunch of people who live by playing passing-the-pillow – they never lose this game. If multiple Cules play this game, it ends up in a tie simply because all of them are masters at passing. They are a group of highly successful people because they not only work hard themselves, but also make sure that their home-grown children are groomed strongly enough to face the atrocities of the world.
However, they don’t like paying taxes and buy things illegally. Their fraudulence is almost always caught because they don’t know how to keep their misdoings a secret. Every now and then, they buy expensive toys, but blame their rivals for doing the same.
They also have a holier-than-thou mentality because they have been the most successful people of this millennium. They always win or the others cheat their way to victory, they never lose.
And, finally, they genuinely believe that the Earth doesn’t rotate around the Sun, the Sun rotates around their homes.
Manchester United Fans
The chewing gum loving people of this world. They call themselves the Red Devils probably because they think it is cool and hipster, which it isn’t. They are supposed to be the most successful people in history, but a brush with Moyesocrity has left them looking for a Van to take them uphill.
They are like that student who doesn’t study until it is a day before the exams and does pretty well at it too.
They love themselves as well hate themselves (or, more specifically, the Glazers). They are of the opinion that they have the right to be arrogant because of the amount of success they have had – and it is one of the reasons why they disrespect their rivals more than Indian people disrespect Rahul Gandhi.
There was once a time when they were the best of England. Most of the credit for that success goes to the astute leader they had at that time. His tomato-like face inflicted terror of failure in their hearts and that made them give it all to achieve success.
However, after he became a pensioner, there has been less chewing gum and more chewing the winning mentality of the people. They have hired a Dutch foreman to lead them to the glories of old. So far, he has yelled them back to discipline. What happens next is only a wild guess.
Liverpool Fans
Their forefathers are ashamed of their successors. The successors, however, brag about their forefathers and the accolades they won millions of years ago. If others point fingers on their dismal failures of the present, they instantly retort by taking them to trip down the memory lane.
They are like that student whose grandfather was the best and record-breaking student of the University and hence thinks that he/she deserve respects because of that alone.
They hate the Manchester United people because they have achieved more than even Liverpool’s ancestors.
To get them back to the glory days, they are being sponsored by a USA based company. The first move they made after the sponsorship was put to existence was buy Ferrero Rocher. Or they thought they did. But as it turned out, it was an Eclairs toffee with a ponytail.
However, not all of their investment went in vain as they bought a cannibal from Amsterdam to feed off the flesh of their rivals. That cannibal had large teeth and dug it wherever and whenever he could – and induced terror among rivals.
His wrath caused others to sink in abyss and them to rise through the ranks and be recognized again as a threat. All was going really well until their leader decided to play Bambi on ice and everything has gone downhill ever since.
The cannibal is now in Barcelona, however, and they are back to being irrelevant again.
AC Milan Fans
God’s several angels and Lucifer was the most powerful among them. Such was his power that he got everything he wanted; he was the king, the best among the best – and that pride caused his downfall. Ultimately, he fell from the position of angel and became known as the Satan.
Even though the analogy isn’t quite up to the mark (or may be it is, at least Juventus fans would think so), this scenario is eerily similar to that of AC Milan fans.
Once, they were the best among the best. They had all the best weapons, could bring down any team in the world and win success – which they did. For over a long time they enjoyed continental success. They ate in the best restaurants, slept in the best beds, went to meetings wearing tuxedos stitched with golden thread and simply got whatever they wanted.
However, too much pride – and a rich and perverse sponsor – caused their downfall.
Now, they feed off the leftovers of rich people’s dogs and are trying to make their way to the top while doing so. However, the top is draped in Zebra skin and seems higher than the summit of Mount Everest.
Juventus Fans
They came. They saw. They conquered. They fell. They came back again. And they are conquering again.
Their favourite animal is the Zebra and they like bitter food. Almost everything in the world is a conspiracy theory against them – something from which they rise again and again.
Initially, they were the best among their colony members. The represented the best of Italy. Everything was going perfect for them in the domestic matters. Until they became the victims of conspiracy by their neighbours. Or at least they say so.
They were jailed for their involvement in money laundering and bribing the police. However, after getting out of jail and spending some years in mediocrity, they are back to the top again. They are not people with much money, but they are smart investors.
If there is a piece of dung lying around, they will pick it up, inspect it and know instantly whether there is a diamond hidden within or not. This is how they make huge assets out of absolutely nothing and keep moving forward.
Their success in the continental market hasn’t been up to the mark – however, they are fighting a war against the Barcelona people for the crown of the best. And it is those raw gems that took them there.
Arsenal fans
The misers of this world. They are bunch of people who absolutely hate spending and believe in grooming their young ones to winning machines.
However, once those young ones grow and become adults, they leave home for greener pastures – never to return again. And they go back to square one. Some of the best talents were produced from their tribe, but they could never really use it to their advantage.
For a long period they went barren. They worked hard, but it just wasn’t enough. Finally, they realised that their miserly nature won’t get them anything but a book without a title and hence decided to spend on weapons to add to their arsenal (oops).
Since then, they have small bouts of joy and it shows that money probably can buy you happiness.
Atletico Madrid Fans
The brutal barbarians. There are two way to go across towards the other side of a wall. One is to climb over it and the other is to smash it open. They are the people who prefer and do the latter.
They weren’t always on the map. In fact, some years ago, the process of ants collecting their food was given more importance than them. Then they appointed a tough Argentine – one of their own – as their leader and things have been different ever since.
They don’t have much money to spend, but they don’t need that. They have the brawling strength and the bully mentality to harass rivals. This got them to the once-impossible land of success in Spain.
If anyone has a problem with another and needs some bones to be broken, all they need to do is call the Atletico people and they will do it for them with the utmost ease. Who needs beauty when you have the beast, is their mentality.
And it has worked so far.
Real Madrid fans
The most successful people in the world. They have achieved everything at life – so much that they really don’t care about anything anymore. They are spoiled and ungrateful bunch of people there is and it doesn’t take them a moment to shatter into pieces their newly bought expensive weapons.
They are aristocratic people who believe in buying already established weapons rather than build their own. For this, they look upon the Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspurs people – who constantly bow down to their authority and feed them with what they want.
They have the most expensive accessories and keep buying further expensive things even before the existing accessories have gone past their expiry dates. They don’t hesitate for a single moment to bring down the axe on the people that brought them fame and recognition. This trait of theirs became a source of inspiration for people like Mir Jafar.
Success is not the only thing they crave – they want it with fame and style. They want people to see them win in style and fall in awe of them, but more often than not, they become the subject of their jokes and criticism for their lavish ways.
Right now, they face the stinging insult of failure and have hired another scapegoat to oversee them.
