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As the Premier League kicks off this weekend (and wives/girlfriends suddenly find it hard to get in touch with their partners), we were able to get our hands on a Sports Almanac left behind by a time traveller which gave a detailed review of the new season. Here’s what will happen this season:-
(Note: We are not responsible if you lose money placing bets on the following events)
August
The Premier League season gets underway on Saturday, August 18th 2012.
Howard Webb travels to Old Trafford to officiate the match, only to find out that his game is on Sunday – at the Etihad.
Victor Moses is informed by his agent at half-time that his move to Chelsea is complete. He packs his bags and takes a short walk to the visitors’ dressing room.
Joey Barton, banned for 6 months in the PL, completes a transfer to Fleetwood Town and tweets, “F*** this! The Premier League is for sissies. League 2 is a true test of character and strength.” (He gets a straight red card on debut for an altercation with the visiting captain. In the tunnel. Before the game.)
West Ham trigger a new release clause that is found in Demba Ba’s contract that allows a club to buy him from Newcastle for as little as £1M before the start of the season. Newcastle replaces him with the ‘Goal Machine’ Emile Heskey.
Robin van Persie scores a 90th minute winner in a 3-2 victory at the Britannia. All is forgiven and he is a Gunner hero again!
September
Robin van Persie beats the clock on a transfer deadline day move to Manchester United for £20M. He is taken on a tour of the Old Trafford bench by Dimitar Berbatov.
In spite of fans’ protests, Liverpool sells the naming rights of their stadium and it is now called Standard Chartered Arena. When asked about the deal, the bank’s CEO remarked, “This deal represents a defining moment in our quest to make a breakthrough in Europe and… What? What’s so funny?”
Luka Modric, unsuccessful in his attempt to force a transfer, comes to practice in a white Real Madrid t-shirt. Nobody notices as it’s the same colour as their kit. Modric breaks down.
In London Derby #3 of 74 for the season, Diaby is sent off for kicking John Terry in the face when trying to challenge for a high ball. Arsenal appeal on the grounds of ‘Kicking Racism out of Football’. The red card is rescinded.
In a tense affair at Anfield the Standard Chartered Arena, Jamie Carragher scores 2 goals as Manchester United beat Liverpool 1-2. Kagawa scores his first goal for the club and the new United kits, that weren’t really a big hit, literally fly off the shelves in Japan. A new Pokemon character is unveiled – Shinji.
October
West Ham move to the new Olympic Stadium in London and their first game is against Arsenal. Despite playing at home, the Gunners receive more support as Arsenal fan and 5000m & 10000m gold medallist Mo Farah runs around the track whipping the fans into frenzy.
Andres Villas Boas’ job is under serious threat as they lose 1-3 to Chelsea with John Obi Mikel finally scoring in the League by grabbing a perfect hat-trick (right foot, left foot and header). As a kind gesture, Chelsea fans gift the website hasandrevillasboasbeensackedyet.com to the White Hart Lane faithful.
Peter Crouch scores against his old club… what’s that? No, not Spurs. No, not Southampton. Well, of course, it isn’t Portsmouth! Yes, Liverpool! *sigh* … in a losing cause as Borini steals the headlines. And his robot dance celebration.
In a press conference, Roberto Mancini assures fans that Manchester City will make it out of their Champions League group which has Barcelona, Juventus and PSG. Sir Alex Ferguson is taken to the hospital after he chokes on his wine while laughing.
The fastest to 10 goals award is won by… *drum roll* Emile Heskey! He is closely followed by Mr. Own Goal.
November
To mark another year in Sir Alex’s tenure at Old Trafford, a new digital clock is installed above the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand. It is used exclusively on match days – to display how many minutes of Fergie Time will be played.
Andy Carroll gets his first start under Brendan Rodgers when they travel to Stamford Bridge. A powerful header from an accurate Steven Gerrard cross gives him his first goal of the season and equals Fernando Torres’ tally for the season.
Under immense pressure to perform, Andres Villas Boas makes his first trip to the Emirates stadium for the North London Derby. After a humiliating loss, the timer on the website is reversed and is automatically transformed into a countdown timer.
In the Oil Firm Derby, Chelsea host Manchester City in a game where the winner will take the lead in the title race. Roberto’s side wins 2-1.
December
This time, Balotelli refuses to warm up in a tie against Barcelona and Manchester City are knocked out of the Champions League. When asked about his refusal to play, Balotelli replied, “I don’t play with girls!”
The Etihad is the setting for an exciting Manchester Derby as the Red Devils lose by a solitary goal thanks to a misplaced Kagawa back pass. 47 websites publish headlines with the word ‘Harakiri’.
Newcastle United, the last undefeated team in the League (but in 6th place), lose their first game of the season at Old Trafford. David De Gea is adjudged Man of the Match – for denying a Heskey bicycle kick.
Nicklas Bendtner goes on strike and demands a transfer to the best club in the world. When asked which club that was, he drops his pants to reveal PSG boxers.
January
The transfer window opens. The African Cup of Nations ensures that Wenger signs Thierry Henry on loan. Again. He scores against Leeds. Again.Bored Barcelona players (on their winter break) talk to the press to try tapping up other players. Xavi can barely contain himself, “Nick [Powell] is a very exciting player! He’d fit into our system easily!” The Barcelona board misunderstand and table a bid for Nicklas Bendtner.
Super Sunday sees Chelsea take on Arsenal and Spurs take on Manchester United. The games are telecast to 2 billion people around the world to showcase the Premier League and pundits go overboard in describing it as the best League on the planet! Both matches end 0-0 with the highlight of the weekend being a race for the ball between Eden Hazard and Theo Walcott (Hazard tripped and Walcott ran past the ball).
Speculations of a big money move rise when Mario Balotelli is sighted in a helicopter heading to Stamford Bridge. But he was later seen dropping firecrackers on those training at the ground. Ashley Cole shoots the chopper down with his air rifle.
February
Craig Bellamy officially completes a transfer to Liverpool in the wee hours of February 1st, a move no one saw coming!
Ryan Giggs gets into trouble after a late night party where [content removed by court order]
Arsene Wenger criticizes the UEFA and FIFA for scheduling pointless international friendlies that mess up with the clubs’ preparations for the domestic cup games. Another touchline ban follows. But Wenger is not perturbed, stating he had the “mental strength, belief and character to bounce back”.
March
Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United avoid each other in the quarter-final draw of the Champions League. UEFA President Platini is furious and is seen making some calls demanding an explanation.
Andres Villas Boas is sacked by Tottenham after a loss to Porto in the Europa League. At the press conference, he sits on his haunches and takes in the scene, wondering where it all went wrong.
Liverpool draws 1-1 with West Ham, thereby making it only a five-horse race for the title.
April
Arsenal are up against Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final and Manchester United are up against Real Madrid. Both English teams suffer in the League as a result of fatigue. The Spanish teams also lose points, allowing 3rd placed Valencia to cut the points gap to only 29 points.
Torres makes a forgetful return to the Standard Chartered Arena as he is stretchered off after the Anfield Cat severely scratches him whenever he enters the box.
Spurs appoint Rafa Benitez as their new manager. Modric hands in a transfer request.
Real Madrid and Barcelona qualify for the Champions League Final, thereby denying the opportunity to an English side to play in the final at Wembley. Platini is seen with a smug look on his face.
May
Sergio Aguero wins the Golden Boot. Emile Heskey comes in second in spite of not playing the last 3 months of the season.
After 38 games, Arsenal and Manchester United are tied on 95 points with the exact same goal difference, goals for, goals against and head-to-head stats. Manchester City wins the League with 96 points.
All 3 promoted clubs are relegated, bucking the recent trend. Pundits reiterate the unpredictability of the League and call it the best in the universe!
PSG buy Manchester City.
