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Satire: The sad tale (or not) of footballers not playing at top Premier League clubs

24 Nov 2014, 14:45 IST
Anderson: “I wish I could leave and go to Florence, I’ve heard it is great out there”

Making the starting eleven for some of the major teams in Europe is always a matter of great prestige and honour. Each football player looks forward to featuring in the biggest of clashes, on the grandest of stages, so that they can prove that they are the real deal, and that they deserve the adulation of the fans and respect from their colleagues. 

With the season now in its fourth month, most clubs have decided on their starting elevens, and the unlucky ones, who aren’t regulars, are finding it hard to get any game-time. This is a look at what goes on through their minds, when they go in for training, and during a match-day.

Anderson (Manchester United)

On any given day, this is what I hope for. I stroll into training, and members of the cleaning staff tell me, “Ando, there isn’t any training today lad!” Although I want to yell with happiness, I cover it up real nice. I know they know that I love busting a gut for the team. Oh wait, I see we have a new noodles sponsor, I wonder if they’ll let me taste it. And Mr. Potato is now a sponsor too! Woohoo, you go Ed! 

I really love playing football, I still remember I tried my best against MK Dons, as we fought our way to a 4-0 loss. My favourite moment this season – I got to see Ronaldo and Messi in action, at Old Trafford! I don’t know what happened though, those prawn sandwiches are that good!

Abou Diaby (Arsenal)

If I ever wrote an autobiography, I would call it, “Battered and Bruised – The Vassiriki tragicomedy”. I remember thinking the first time I got injured, I will come back stronger than ever, and will take the Premier League by storm. Now, I shudder when it gets windy, as I hold onto whatever I can for dear life, all the while afraid, that soon, I will have to go and play. 

Yes, I do have a jersey for this season

It’s not that I don’t like playing, I love it, a lot! Those times when Monsieur Wenger called me the most valued midfielder at Arsenal, I still think he was talking about me on his Playstation Arsenal team, as I remember I was mostly lying down on the treatment table. Wonder what he’s smoking up there!


I am coming back to the first team, I will be the next Patrick Vieira, I have my very own special place at the Emirates (it’s like I was the engineer) and yes, Flamini and Arteta didn’t offer me money to stay injured!

Mohamed Salah (Chelsea)

Military hazing techniques are rather fun, better than the singing one at Chelsea anyway. I think I want to go ahead and join them. Chelsea do not need my talents, as they have been doing well for themselves, and do not need me to rescue matches for them. 

Someday, we’re gonna break free from these chains

Jose and I agree, I can spend my time well there (after all, all they paid for me was 13 million), stay at home, enjoy the company of my friends, and oh, yes, go work in the Military too (I keep forgetting that!) Also, go Basel, you rock, give those Liverpudlians hell!

Suso (Liverpool)

Talent is sometimes just too much of a curse! I am so talented that I can’t play for Liverpool, and I am so good that no one can sign me. What I’m being told is that Milan might want to sign me, but then I am skeptical. That team is so bad, that despite all my talent, I might have to play for them!

Mister Rodgers has given me a new job though, I am now the official cheerleader for the club! The work I put in last month with Jose, to create the “Mario Magnifico” chant, phew, just too much I tell you! And oh yeah, to add to all this, I am injured too, so that’s a bummer.

Stuck in between a rock and a hard place!

I trust my manager with my career, just like the club trusts him to take us back to the dark ages. 

Scott Sinclair (Manchester City)

You know that guy, the one everyone thinks is so good, but who actually isn’t? Yes, that’s me. If only I had listened to Brendan while at Swansea, he told me not to leave, he told me he would take me with him to Liverpool! Bah humbug.

I decided to branch out, I thought I was very good, that I could rule the wings in Manchester. Clearly, I was having a bubble! Those guys at Chelsea, they always know what to do best with their youth talent, they were always aware that I am no good, and that I was able to con Roberto very well (remember the page long “Thank You”? I did that)

If I do the “I can’t wear a bib”, they’ll think I am talented

Sometimes I think why do I even bother? After all, even West Brom didn’t!

Honourable mentions

Lukas Podolski (Arsenal) 

I am the best finisher at the club, as Monsieur has said many-a-time, so I need to be protected!

Bacary Sagna (Manchester City)

I joined the champions man, I need to learn how to win by observing from the bench, not yet qualified to win, you know where I came from!

Ander Herrera (Manchester United)

I always thought I was declared fit, this translator I tell you, he tells me one thing and Louis van Gaal something else! Now I know why I am only on the bench, I need to get my fitness back, damn you Lee Mason!

Disclaimer: This is a satirical take on players at top clubs across Europe, who have been sitting on the bench, despite having been fit and raring to go. The entire article is a work of fiction and fiction only, and the chances of it being serious are as slim as the chances of Anderson playing for Manchester United any time soon.

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