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With the January transfer window closing recently, we saw the usual flood of articles about new signings, clubs’ spending etc. With such repetitive articles, it was time to bring something new. And what better than to award clubs and players for their transfer activities?
After putting in so much hard work during the window, it’s the least they deserve. So here’s my take on what award each club/player should get based on the January window.
1.’How to drive a real bargain’ award
So, the English Premier League has lost its poster boy for mischief. After ‘fatherly’ Mancini’s repeated denials that he would be sold, the striker ended up back in Italy less than a month later.
While Mancini may be secretly thankful that he has to worry about Balotelli’s antics no more, the real credit must go to AC Milan, who managed to whittle down City’s asking price from €37 million to €22 million!
Mancini could have protested as much as he wished at being separated with his ‘son’, but all Milan had to do was play a video of each of his antics every time City refused to lower their price. And voila, it worked!
2. Transfer dealings 101: Most improved club
And the award for most improved transfer dealers goes to….Liverpool.
After blowing up £5 million (including a loan fee AND salary AND relocation costs) to sign the blink-and-you-miss Nuri Sahin on loan, £15 million on Joe ‘can’t pass more than 5 yards’ Allen, and the unbeatable £35 million man in Andy Carroll, it seems like the Merseysiders are learning their lessons.
They signed Daniel Sturridge in early January for £12 million, apart from bringing in Coutinho from Inter Milan, and the former has proved to be more valuable than Andy Carroll ever did. Sturridge has scored thrice in his first four appearances while Carroll scored six from 44 appearances. You do the math.
3. ‘How not to piss your fans off’ award
Demba Ba wins this one but not before some serious competition from the perennially nominated Fernando Torres.
The Spanish striker’s performances have earned nothing but boos from his own supporters. Not once or twice but consistently as the season progresses.
While we thought there could hardly be a match for Torres, Ba’s return to Tyneside a couple of weeks back changed our minds.
Booed by the fans, and then kicked and getting his nose broken by former team-mate Fabricio Coloccini as he attempted to score meant it was a bad return to Newcastle for Ba.
4. ‘Hoodwinking the FFP’ awards
This one had 3 clubs in the running. Chelsea, Manchester City and PSG of course.
While Chelsea are trying to cut down on their losses, City signed a massive £400 million deal with Etihad for stadium naming rights. After all, the fact that Etihad and City are owned by the same Arab family is a top secret, right?
But trumping them both is PSG, who signed a massive £125 million a year for 5 years deal with Qatar Investment Authority, which means their massive spending on the likes of Lucas Moura, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Thiago Silva is well covered indeed.
Even the £3.3 million salary David Beckham will donate to charity is exempt from FFP consideration. Perfect, right?
5. Worst transfer award
Could anyone really beat Peter Odemwingie when it came to this one? Of course, Mario Balotelli claimed he ‘ran to Milan’ when they came calling, but at least he had permission from Manchester City to do so!
Odemwingie, on the other hand, is still trying to convince anyone who listens that he did have permission.
6. Namesake award (Zaha – Saha )
There were a couple of nominations only for this one, but in the end, we decided to give it to Manchester United ahead of Arsenal.
Zaha’s name too closely reminds United fans of an infamous French striker in Louis Saha. Much too close for comfort for the United fans. With Saha spending more time on the medical table than on the pitch, we would say United fans have a point!
Closely behind was Nacho Monreal who, Arsenal are surely hoping, does not become a real snack for the opponents.
7. Crazy rumour award
“David Villa to any team with more than 10 pounds to spend” was the craziest rumour of this transfer window. From being linked to Arsenal, City, Swansea and even West Ham (seriously?), there seemed to be no end to the rumour mill.
It’s entirely possible that David Villa was sitting at home in Barcelona, flipping channels on the tele and laughing at the absurdity of the entire saga. Not that he has much to do on the pitch, anyway!
8. French colony award
With 9 French players in their team, Newcastle are more eligible to play in the Ligue 1 than the Premier League. And with their disastrous season so far, they might well be thinking of the same.
Fans have even come up with a new name for the club, in that very case, with Nouveau Chateua (the French equivalent of Newcastle) proving to be most popular.
9. Lifetime achievement award
This one goes to Mr. David ‘footballer-turned-underwear model-turned-philanthropist’ Beckham, who has so generously decided to contribute all of his 150,000 per week wages at PSG to charity.
Works out well for the club too, in terms of Financial Fair Play, might we say.
10. Pensioner’s award
This one was pretty easy to decide on, and it goes to Wesley Sneijder. While Didier Drogba had already ventured into retirement last year, poor Wesley Sneijder was forced to join him in one after a contractual dispute with Inter.
For a guy who was valued at over £30 million just a couple of transfer windows back, an £8 million move to Galatasaray at the prime of his career was least expected.
Not that many (or any?) others showed an interest in him, of course.
Disclaimer: This awards ceremony is fictitious and is not be confused with a real award ceremony. It’s an attempt at bringing a smile on your face, and we hope it worked.
