From "instant chemistry" to misinterpreting "butterflies": Michelle Obama breaks down modern dating expectations with Logan Ury and Craig Robinson

Michelle Obama recently discussed modern dating expectations with her brother Craig Robinson, and dating coach and behavioral expert Logan Ury.

During the August 6 episode of the IMO podcast, Craig Robinson asked Logan Ury whether the "spark" is essential to building a meaningful relationship, or if it's better to have a "slow burn" that gradually develops over time.

In response, Ury pointed out that many people reject potentially great partners simply because they don't feel an immediate "spark" with them.

"This spark concept became my nemesis, where I was like, all these people are saying no to great potential partners because they don't feel instant fireworks, instant chemistry," she said.

She claimed that it's a myth to believe people feel "instant chemistry," noting that only 11% of people experience love at first sight. For the majority, chemistry "grows over time." She also highlighted the psychological concept of the Mere Exposure Effect, explaining that the more familiar you become with someone, the more you grow to like them, and the same applies to relationships.

"So why do people get so locked into the spark? Is that something we heard?" Michelle Obama asked.

Ury clarified that the spark is real and people do experience it, but many people often misunderstand its significance. She also claimed that feeling the spark does not automatically mean a relationship will be good. She explained that sometimes the person you feel a spark with is simply a "sparky" individual, and others may feel the same way about them.

She went on to say that the idea of "butterflies" in the stomach during a new relationship is often misunderstood and is actually an "alarm bell of anxiety."

"And in fact, often times, we're feeling these butterflies, but what they actually are, are alarm bells," Ury claimed.

She explained that the uncertainty of wondering "Do they like me or not?" causes butterflies. However, when you're with someone secure and direct, the constant chasing stops, and that excitement may fade away.

"And so if you're always used to somebody pulling away, when somebody just presents themselves as secure, you're not used to it and you think that it's boring. But those truly make some of the best long-term partners," Logan Ury added.

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Michelle Obama reflects on whether Barack Obama is a "sparky" person

Barack Obama greets Michelle Obama as he arrives to speak on stage during the second day of the Democratic National Convention (Image via Getty)

Furthermore, in the podcast, Logan Ury asked Michelle Obama if she had ever noticed her husband, former U.S President Barack Obama, being "sparky" with other people during the early days of their relationship.

Michelle stated in response:

"You know, I didn't pay attention. You feel the spark. You think 'it's all about me. He's sparking because I'm so fabulous.' It's the story we do want to tell ourselves."

She added that many people tend to pursue "hard to get" partners, believing they can "fix" them. However, she explained that in reality, you can't change someone into a different person than they truly are.

"But I think we like to think that love is about, "I have this power absolutely to make him or her just believe in me, and we're attracted to that story that we tell ourselves about ourselves," Michelle Obama continued.

The former First Lady also stated that today's generation is used to instant gratification due to the advances in technology and constant use of social media. She cautioned young people to be mindful of how this reliance can train them to seek "instant feelings" of being "acknowledged," which is the opposite of what they're looking for in a relationship.

"You don't just pick up the guitar and know how to play it. You get good by practicing over time, and the same thing is true with dating. I think dating is a skill, and you have to invest in it. And also, people take time to open up," Logan added.

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The full conversation between Michelle Obama, Craig Robinson, and Logan Ury is available on the former First Lady's official YouTube channel.