I have never watched Total Divas because I’m an adult boy. Alright, I watched the first two seasons BUT THAT’S IT. Of course, I was curious, because it’s always fun to see pro wrestlers try to navigate their way through real life conversations with coworkers/lovers.
My favourite part of Total Divas was spotting my favourite wrestlers puttering around aimlessly backstage. Pretty sure Fandango had a fun arc where he tried to win Summer Rae’s affection. Riveting stuff.
Total Bellas follows the story of Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella moving into John Cena’s guest house, which is more of a castle than a house, so they can help Nikki Bella recover from neck surgery.
But Total Bellas is NOT Total Divas. Nope, not at all. Just like Nikki and Brie, they are totally different.
It’s a more focused TV show and that’s why I’m daring to get back into an E! reality show that takes place in a past, separate timeline. Shouldn’t be too confusing, but I’ve been fooled before.
Daniel and Brie also brought their dog, Josie. Josie is not going to survive this. Cena will make sure of it.
'The John Cena House Rules'
I don’t know if you know this but John Cena is a very successful pro wrestler. That’s his dining room up there, filled with loved ones and almost-food and rules. He loves his house so much he made his girlfriend sign a contract to live there with him. Surprisingly, no tables were flipped during the contract signing, except for emotional ones.
Big Match John Cena lays out the perfectly normal guidelines to living in his house during their first Downton Abbey Family Dinner. The list of The Cena House Rules (thanks, E!, for that up-to-date movie reference) is longer than Chris Jericho’s list of 1,004 moves. Some highlights:
-Keep track of your laundry/No towels on the floor-Make your bed everyday-Downton Abbey Family Dinner once a week on Wednesdays-All rooms are off limits unless it’s an emergency-Coffee and bonfires when Old Man John says so-Always ask permission for anything-No gambling-No shoes in the house except for at Downton Abbey Family Dinners-No pooping-Johnny Ace is allowed to be there-You WILL be shot in the face if you don’t text Cena with your exact location at all times
Brie and Daniel are all like “What's a laundries? This place is strange. Our dog is people!”
Nikki gets neck surgery, to remove a large piece of steak tartare, so she can continue to wrestle professionally. She invites Brie, Bryan, and Josie to live with her and John so they can help her as she recovers.
This strikes me as kind of insensitive since Bryan was just forced to retire from wrestling, you know, his favourite thing in the world. But D-Bry is a super nice dude who would do anything to help his family, even if that means getting castrated via intimidation tactics from his robot sister-in-law.
It’s not Nikki’s fault, though, she’s just following orders from Home Owner John Cena.
Quick note about Brother JJ: I remember thinking he was a putz in Total Divas, but aside from Bryan, he’s easily the best character in the show. He’s genuinely nice and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. It may be by default but I’ll take what I can get
Wrestling With Identity
Upon Brie and Daniel’s arrival, they notice that they “couldn’t be more different” than John and Nicole. Except that they all work in the same industry, for the same company, are good looking and in great shape, have tiny white dogs (for now), and two of them are actually twins.
First on Nikki’s list of jobs for Brie & Bry, after “Don’t upset John,” is they will be her chauffeurs (later renamed “bitches”). Cool, seems reasonable. Also, she can’t lift anything over 10 pounds, but that’s to be expected after having her neck rearranged.
Around this time Nikki mentions that since she and Cena worked so hard for what they have, they like to enjoy “the finer things in life.” The Finer Things seem to only entail being clean, penis jokes, and standing still at all times. Sometimes they go to different rooms in the House of 1,000 Shoulder Blocks to do these things.
At the first Downton Abbey Family Dinner, John gives door shutting classes during his Rules of The House promo.
He also says that if anyone gets attacked by an alligator it’s their own damn fault for being his guest at his house. Also also, Josie is banned from the Super House because she sheds too much. Winston, Nikki and/or Cena’s dog, doesn’t shed. Ever. She is smaller than Josie.
Fun facts: John Cena gave actual birth to this house during his time off for “elbow surgery,” John Laurinaitis is Rodney Dangerfield but with zero charisma, and Daniel Bryan is fascinated and confused by shoes when he’s not cracking the best jokes in the house.
Poor Josie. She’s in a new place and she’s all flustered and anxious and confused. She’s gone from living in Arizona, where she helps Daniel garden and runs happily everywhere, to Florida, where’s she’s been quarantined in an admittedly really nice guest house.
I’ve lived in both states, and if you took all the alligators and quarantines and put them in Arizona, I’d still pick it over Florida, so I feel her pain.
Quick note #2: Brie and Nikki always seem surprised that they’re twins.
Happy Hour!
The twins are joined by, J.J. of Bella, Kathy the Mom, and Overlord John Cena. Cena has dressed in a DC comics villain suit in a bit of foreshadowing, and everyone gets drunk and talks about sex and semen and limp d**ks.
Kathy discusses her sexcapades with Johnny Ace. John Cena says “penis” and Nikki giggles. The Kama Sutra is poorly debated. Quickies are discussed. Brie orders pickles. These are adults with jobs, wearing fancy clothes at an expensive restaurant.
I can only assume Bryan was absent because he couldn’t solve the “shoes or no shoes” mystery of the day.
Later, at Cena’s pool filled with inflatable swans and doughnuts, and some water, Cena mentions that he does NOT love Josie (poor Josie). So Josie bit him on the back of his leg like only Josie could do: harmlessly and kinda cute.
John is having none of it and suggests calling animal control. This is a super human pro wrestler who is 108 times bigger than his assailant and lives surrounded by gators and owns “a lot of guns.”
J.J. has to call Bryan and tell him about the whole thing because living in a new house in order to help a family member, right after being forced to retire then move to where 9-foot alligators roam free, is not enough drama to deal with.
Showdown In The Backyard
Brie’s solution is to build a fenced-in dog run in the backyard of the guest house so their adorable french bulldog can run around and relieve some stress from the constant fear of Cena.
This is an excellent idea. What’s not an excellent idea is NOT ASKING JOHN’S PERMISSION. Nikki catches them and after being thrown that her twin sister is wearing a similar outfit, she gets super serious/mad and shuts the project down.
At this point I don’t even blame Nikki for her mini-boss attitude anymore, she’s just scared that her boyfriend, final boss Cena, might actually be a serial killer and any little thing will set him off. I’m struggling to figure out if Cena is a sociopath or a psychopath. Is there a combination of the two that also gives you healing powers?
Regardless, my favourite part of the episode happens after Brie falls to the will of Nikki of Cena House and abandons her plans of a fence.
During the show, Brie says to Nikki, “Maybe you should go change your shirt so you don’t look like me.”
While wandering off Nikki replies, “Yeah? Well maybe YOU should go change...yer...shirt...and I need to go to the drycleaners in like 15 minutes.”
Adults.
Brie is DONE and wants to go home. Bryan continues to think about shoes. Nikki throws Brie, Bryan, and JJ under the bus about the dog fence and then tells John everyone is terrified of him.
This surprises Possible Hoarder Of Dead Bodies John Cena. John, who prefers cats, says, “Who, me?” and offers to talk in a silly voice. Brie says she doesn’t need him to talk in a silly voice but I think I do. It would make recapping these episodes so much more fun.
Killer John apologises to the family at the second or third DAFD this episode, for being void of feelings and vows to try harder, as long as they don’t mess up, ever again. This is going to be a fun season.
In Conclusion:
-Brie and Nikki are basically pawns in a Bryan/Cena power struggle. Pawns that never stop talking.-Daniel Bryan is the best. Period.-JJ is surprisingly cool for being a Bella. He’s playing both sides while staying neutral. Let’s see how long that lasts.
Johnny and Kathy are fine with whatever and sort of just there, but Kathy’s already flirting with elimination by not making her bed.
Before the end of the season, Cena will no-sell feelings and destroy everyone. Starting with Josie. Poor Josie.
Join me next week for Episode 2, if I’m not committed to a Floridian Arkham before then.
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