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Total Bellas, Episode 3: Bryan's Lament

In a "very special episode" of Total Bellas, we explore despair, ignore dictionaries.

This episode even manages to make JJ sad.

Welcome To Bummerville!

When we last left our heroes Nikki shamed Brie and Bryan into having sex but then got grossed out when she had to hear about it. Johnny Ace and Kathy were discussing the true meanings of the words “pre-nup” and “elope,” John Cena rehabbed all day, everyday, and JJ kept it cool, as per usual.

Winston’s condition: acceptable. Josie’s condition: unknown.

Today, Nikki and Brie discuss how they’re made of fire and trees and Bryan is a squirtgun because the only words they are comfortable with are “like” and “amazing.” 

Then Kathy drops THE HOTTEST BURN POSSIBLE on Bryan, calling him the Danny Devito to John Cena’s Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins (ha!) and I gotta say, I respect the game. 80s movie referencing zings are my jam, so she won this episode, 2 minutes in.

Later, in The Pool Area (said in Vincent Price’s voice), Brie and Bryan rig Josie up with a little dog floaty because I’m guessing Cena has already attempted to drown her at least once.

Brie is also preparing to retire at Wrestlemania and her and Bryan have the first genuine display of love I’ve seen in the first three episodes. For a show all about family, that shouldn’t have been so jarring. So Winston ate his own poop because that’s what living with these people does to you.

Bryan is depressed because he was forced to retire from wrestling and live with his diva of a sister-in-law and her overbearing boyfriend who may or may not be a serial dog murderer. Everyone wants him to coach at NXT but he just wants to wrestle.

It’s at this point that Brie gets mad at Nikki for being white and needing bronzer so she leaves town and then Nikki said “preggers” and now I’m depressed, too.


Field trip to the PC

Bryan found shoes, but still can’t find shoelaces.

JJ complains about working at his mom’s flip-flop factory and how he wants a change in his life. So Nikki convinces Bry to go to the Performance Center to cheer him up because nothing says “I care about you as a person” more than bringing someone to a place where a bunch of people are doing the one thing you really want to do but can’t.

JJ tags along because he rightfully fears Bryan will murder Nikki’s neck if they spend anytime alone together. Nikki continues to struggle with boundaries and words and the jury is still out on whether or not Bryan has a suitable pair of shoes on, if any.

Best part of the episode by a mile is at the Performance Center, Bryan shows Sami Zayn a new wrestling style he was working on before he was forced to retire.

To protect his neck from constant bumps, he was gonna crawl around like an animal (much like he does around Cena’s house) and make single leg takedowns ultra cool. He was gonna use this style against a planned match against Brock.

He was positively glowing while showing these lost moves to Sami. This is all I want to see now and it will never happen.

Worst part of the episode is that by sharing his ideas and moving around with other wrestlers, Bryan is just reminded that he can’t do it at the level he wants and then he gets bummed out and then everybody else gets bummed out, including Sami.

JJ shakes it off in time to awkwardly ask John Cena to put in a good word for him at NXT cause yo, working for his mom suuuuucks. John hasn’t updated his “Human Interaction” app so nothing moves forward.

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