Welcome To Onomatopoeia
Previously on Total Bummers: JJ tricked his mom into giving him 20% of her flip flop company, while Nikki and Cena struggled with words and conversation. Brie left town for work, so Bryan talked with Sami Zayn at the Performance Center.
That’s not important but I love that Sami was on the show. Bryan revealed that he’s been battling depression and anxiety since he was 25, and currently, and everything sucked and I just want this episode to be a just a little uplifting and goofy. Can we get some double entendres and cool wrestler cameos, please?
*deep breath*
Hi, everybody! Out of the gate, we have Brie explaining how acting different makes you be different and environments dictate drinking habits or something, and Nikki is not cool with Brie drinking less. The girl who is practically a prisoner in a Cenatentiary is giving social advice to her twin sister, who is gone 5 out of 7 days a week to go to HER JOB.
Are these sisters really doing it for themselves?
At least this week the girls have graduated from discussing and debating words like “pronoun” to words like “onomatopoeia.” Personally, I think that’s just too big a jump, since I don’t even know if we landed on Nikki understanding what a pronoun is, yet. Nikki’s example of an onomatopoeia is “holy smokes!” and I can feel myself actively getting dumber.
After making their mom sprint 20 yards and then scoring her, conversation between the Three Bella Kids turns to how Brie use to be the wild party girl and now that she’s married to Bryan she’s more conservative. They call her an adapter because of the way she acts with whomever she’s dating at the time.
All I can tell is, she drinks less, cares for her struggling husband, and dresses her age now, while JJ works for his mommy and Nikki has to sign 75-page contracts, so she can use the good towels. (Please don’t make me turn on JJ, fake TV show.) She’s been with Bryan for 5 years, by the way.
Then, referring to her new neck, Nikki said “bone stimulation” and NOBODY MADE A JOKE. This show is now see-sawing between heartbreaking and completely useless.
Winston ate some more of his own poop because Winston is my self-hating Animagus when I watch this show.
Johnny Dangerously 2: Toast Protocol
Am I missing something here? Is a 5-bedroom house that much better than a 4-bedroom house? Everyone except Bryan and Brie, who are in the process of building a new home so they can start a family, seems to think so.
Nikki, who does not have children because her boyfriend said “no,” is telling a married couple how to raise their future children using square footage. Bryan, who has spent his entire life working harder than anyone else in the house, save Cena, gets dumped on some more by the whole family because he said Nikki wasn’t humble.
Am I the only one watching this show?
LAUREN! Lauren’s here! Quick, throw her into an awkward situation with Johnny Ace and let’s see where that falls. This is Lauren’s (aka Lola) first appearance on the show. Lauren’s backstory is she‘s JJ’s wife and she’s here for Kathy’s wedding celebration. But the real reason she’s shown up is to announce she’s pregnant! I like Lola.
She pops in, stares at Brie, who is trying desperately to get pregnant, and Nikki who’s not allowed, and is all like “Sup, bitches? I beat you and I’m not even a regular on the show.” Ice cold.
Nikki thinks that since HER surgery and JOHN’S surgery and, to a lesser extent, Bryan’s retirement, has been super stressful for the WHOLE family, her little brother being a dad is gonna fix everything. Here’s your Uncle ID card, Bry, hope you’re happy now!
After Wednesday’s Family Dinner Extravaganza, where Brie makes a toast to their differences and wishes all the families in the whole world could live in 20,000 square foot houses and have dinner together so that everyone would be happy, the boys and girls retire separately to their Cigar and Wine caves.
Johnny Ace wonders out loud why nobody eats dinner these days and Bryan tells Cena that he doesn’t think Nikki’s humble. Cena godfathers the situation by subtly threatening Bryan if he doesn’t give the answer he wants to hear, sends Bryan to bed, and toasts to “cranberry beer,” you know? Like a true Mafia Don.
JJ’s Heel Turn
Oh yeah, Bryan has only been dealing with moving away from his home to help his sister-in-law get back in shape, so she can return to her job, the job that he was forced to retire from, after losing his father, getting called Danny Devito (which, honestly, would be a compliment if it wasn’t a Twins reference), and being bullied by everyone.
So it can’t get any worse, right?
*phone rings*
Bryan: Hello?
Bryan’s doctors: All your hopes and dreams of ever wrestling again are stupid. Come to the offices in Phoenix and we’ll tell it to your face.
To celebrate, the four Bellas proper and Lauren head off to Naples for Kathy’s wedding celebration, so, of course, the family picks now to Bellasplain to Brie that if Bryan’s so depressed they should just have a baby.
Brie told them they’re gonna wait to see how a new medication will work out, before pursuing parenthood because she’s listening to her husband, the patient, and his professional doctors. JJ, who I’m guessing only found out he was going to be a dad a couple months ago, is telling Brie all about the medical benefits of having a kid.
Congrats, Total Bellas, you made me turn on JJ.
I hate this show.
I will give Nikki this: she genuinely seems to have reflected on her fight with Bryan, and feels remorse for giving him a hard time about the house. Baby steps, but absolutely the best part of the episode and the most I’ve liked Nikki the whole, well, ever.
Then she smashed her tea glass in the valet area of the hotel they’re staying at, while getting out of the car and she has now won this episode, fair and square.
Plenty Of Booze At The Hotel Naples, FL
Once at the hotel, the girls and JJ spill champagne all over their suite and a new girl or two I don’t recognise are there. One of them might be Lexie, Lauren’s sister, but I can’t tell, they all look the same.
So it’s off to the pool for playful splashing, old man ball-sighting, waterslides, and the weirdest lap dance I’ve ever seen, from surprise guest, Johnny Ace! Johnny basically just waved his open shirt in Kathy’s blindfolded face while Brie grabbed at her boobs. That’s how they did it in the olden days when families ate dinner together, dammit, so that’s how JA does it.
After Brie breaks out Brie Mode and everyone is completely drunk and irresponsible with Nikki’s neck, we wrap up the episode with the twins realizing, or being told, that Nikki just misses her sister, because now that they only film at least two TV shows together and live in the same house and have dinner once a week at minimum, multiple brunches, vacations in Naples and tandem pedicures, they never get to spend time together.
We also learn that Bryan is planning on moving to Aberdeen, Washington for three months by himself because the producers know exactly how to ruin my day.
So, to recap, Bryan has potentially left the show, JJ is currently on the outs with me for being a know-it-all brat, Cena still hasn’t completely updated his social mainframe, Johnny Ace has now moved into the top two on my People I Can Tolerate list, and Nikki snuck in a win for this episode.
Join me next week, after I have my wife hide the knives, because it doesn’t look like it’s gonna get any better anytime soon.
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