SummerSlam, man. My favorite WWE event of the year, besides placing bets on whether or not Kofi Kingston will pull off his increasingly insane Rumble spot. I owe my friend ENX like 60 bucks right now. I know Wrestlemania is “the big important one,” but often times it’s a little too flashy for me. Battle Royals are my favorite type of match so I’m partial to Royal Rumble but there’s something about August that seems to bring out the insanity of all the performers.
Brock Lesnar manhandled John Cena into the mat with a Suplexnado, Daniel Bryan kicked Cena into oblivion, the Tables, Ladders, & Chairs match debuted there, and The Mean Street Posse have shown up once or twice (pretty sure it was once). I love it. And it’s in my backyard again this year.
#1 Rusev (C) vs Roman Reigns (US Championship match)
It’s been said a million times already, by smarter fans than myself, but Rusev is unequivocally the good guy here. Roman is a jerk who hates love and insults women and he thinks that alone gives him the right to a title shot. Listen, I don’t care if you like Reigns or not, that’s not the point.
He’s not even really the bad guy, just an entitled handsome prince. No, the bad guy in this is FREAKING MICK FOLEY! Probably the most beloved living legend in the business, is giving him ANOTHER shot at gold because Rusev is...foreign i guess? I don’t know, the less I dwell on this match, the better. I feel for Rusev. I do.
He just wants to celebrate his love and share his wedding pictures, so when Roman gets all John Hughes High School Jockish on him he has no problem defending Lana’s honor. But MY FRIEND MICK FOLEY (what the heck, Mick?) is punishing him by making him put up his title against a guy who deserves it because...please someone tell me. Seriously. I have no idea. So the Bulgarian Brute HAS to win, for heart emojis everywhere.
#2 Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens
Lately Enzo Amore has been showing vast improvement in his singles in-ring ability and Big Cass had proved he can hold his own when Enzo broke his leg in NXT. But none of that matters because the two of them are like a two-piece Voltron. Their minds and bodies form to create the trash talkin’ Jersey boys with heart and soul. They also need to win.
Jericho has been putting in WORK as the old, misplaced heel from the 90s in such a beautifully subtle way that I think it’s actually gone over the heads of a lot of fans. They think he’s actually out of touch with what’s cool and hip, but he’s playing it pitch perfect, and it’s the best he’s been in years. He has to be, side by side with Kevin Owens, legitimately the best heel talker on Raw and sharp as images in the ring. And that’s the thing: JeriK.O. can take any hits right now, they’re so good.
KO has proven himself in and out and Y2J is only there for fun and helping the new guys. E&C can’t take a loss at one of the biggest pay-per-views of the year this early in their career. That, coupled with the spotlight of Raw already dumbing down their rhetoric is a dangerous place. Last month Amore broke down American politics with razor-sharp wit and Barry Allen speed, all while dropping a Jeffersons reference. This month it’s gay jokes and creepin’ on Sasha Banks. Help me, Obi-Wan Amore, you’re our only hope.
#3 Cesaro vs Sheamus (Match 1: Best of 7)
You might think Sheamus looks stupid but I’m a huge fan of his wrestling work. Ok, yeah, those beard braids were a travesty but you could set Tim Armstrong’s watch to that mohawk. And I pretty much hate everything about his character backstage. But that dude is T-1000 tough (and just as shiny!) and can make his opponent look great through his Lucky Charm monsterisms.
Have you seen his matches with Cesaro?!?! Cesaro is, for me, the best wrestler not just in WWE, but the whole world and these guys have been putting on under-the-radar classic matches since Cesaro showed up and I’m super excited about the idea of a Best of 7 Series between the two hoss specialists. Except this will be the third time they’ve wrestled in a month.
So while I love this match on paper, it’s turning into a stack. So these guys 100% need to have the match of the night as far as physicality goes. The psychology is simple enough already, but it’s effective. Both men are trying to prove that they deserve better opportunities by going through the guy that always brings the best out of them. They need to set the tone, a new tone since the current one is “Cesaro wins clean all the time,” for me to get excited for Cesaro vs Sheamus 8-15: Ghost Protocols.
#4 Seth Rollins vs “The Demon” Finn Bálor (Universal Championship)
We’re definitely getting a painted up Irish eye monster entrance 2.0, right? I mean a new one that wasn’t wasted on Raw, right? I hope so. This is his big PPV debut. It’s not like it’s any surprise to anyone that has even a bottom-level understanding of who Bálor is. I was kind of hoping he would hold off until Wrestlemania but I’ve been talking about his main roster teethceanera for years so, I should probably just shut my stupid mouth and enjoy it.
What needs to happen in this match are a couple things. The first is basically taken care of: Seth and Finn need to blow the roof off the place. These two guys are the future Heartbreak Kid and the Phenom. Seth exploded out of the Shield gate, showing all the promise in the world, then he kinda platuead. Not at a bad level, but everything’s kinda blending together and I blame that on injury timing.
Finn is riding an unbelievable pair of Rocket Skates to the top of the card and into the conscience of the WWE Universe. The second thing that needs to happen: Give The Demon King (Kane? King. King.) the brand new sparkly belt. Pull the trigger on the New Era. Shake up the top of the card beyond recognition. All this talk about how “things are gonna be different” but it’s still the same handful of interchangeable champs. Blow it up in front of us. Start the machine. (are they saying Demon “King” or Demon “Kane?” I still can’t figure it out.)
#5 Lightning Round
Sasha Banks (C) vs Charlotte (WWE Women’s Championship) – I’m really looking forward to this match but I’m ok with either woman winning so all that needs to happen is a dope match with no scary spots.
The Miz vs Apollo Crews (Intercontinental Championship) – Crews is super good at wrestling and smiles a lot. I like him well enough but at the very least Miz needs to continue being the best heel that nobody will admit is super good at his job.
Dean Ambrose (C) vs Dolph Ziggler (WWE Championship) – Ziggler needs to prove he can hang at the top, win or lose. Also a heel turn would be nice.
New Day (C) vs The Club (Tag Team Championship) – Both of these teams are stalling out quickly in a muddy patch of grade school jokes so they need to do something memorable and insane. Anything. I like both these teams and I love tag team matches but this feud is running on booty fumes right now.
Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton – Honestly, I just hope Randy looks great in his big return match. And that Brock goes even more over the top than usual.
John Cena vs AJ Styles – Just give it to AJ, he’s on fire in the ring right now.
The Rest of the Ladies (is this match still happening?) – I hope they play up Eva Marie’s recent suspension as one of her “excuses” to not wrestle.
