Satire: The "2017 Champions Trophy Preview" writing template

Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, just jump on board and take help of this easy-to-use cheat sheet

Are you a newspaper writer that is struggling to meet your Champions Trophy preview deadlines? Perhaps you are a sports journalist student looking to impress your lecturer or maybe you are just a mediocre blogger.

Whatever the situation, I have you covered.

Below is my patented and simple to use ‘2017 Champions Trophy Preview’ writing template.

The reality is that every Champions Trophy preview is basically the same. Go ahead and read them. It’s like Groundhog Day or when you listen to a Cold Play album. Every song sounds the same.

So instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, just jump on board and take help of this easy-to-use cheat sheet.

Simply cross out the parts that are not relevant and send the final copy to your (editor/mate who likes cricket/mother).

(Your Name/Your Publication/Ravi Shastri) previews the 2017 Champions Trophy.

The 2017 Champions Trophy is almost upon us. How (exciting/much money can the ICC milk from this/on earth is Michael Slater still a commentator). It guarantees to be a (boring/prolonged/drawn out) spectacle, with (only decent/8 out of 180 odd ICC member) cricketing nations descending on England.

New Zealand enter the tournament as (dark horses/2nd favourite) and have their best chance ever of winning (anything/the right to reclaim Russell Crowe).

Australia are deservedly the favourites on the back of some brilliant (Warner sledging/Maxwell get out shots/captaincy issues/Moises bowling/leaked dating stories about Shane Warne).

South Africa will also feel confident given they are experts at (choking/not winning/really, choking is the term we should use) when it comes to the important knockout stages.

England have entered their (ex KP/ex Cook/ex Swann/ex Prior/ex Trott/ex Stokes/ex Dernbach/ex Borthwick/new) era full of (new excuses/false hope/ODI losses). This should place them in good stead to (embarrass themselves/blame Kevin Pietersen/wish they had more foreigners in the team).

One should never discount Sri Lanka, as (no one can spell their names/no one knows any players except for Mathews/Herath looks fit/they actually won a World Cup once – How the hell did that happen?).

The West Indies, had they played, could have pulled off the odd surprise like (quitting during the tournament/publishing pictures of Chris Gayle’s conquests/reaching 100 in a game).

India, the reigning champions will struggle (to win a match/with DRS/to work out what to do with Rohit Sharma/without access to John the bookmaker/to get MS Dhoni to say anything meaningful at a press conference/to find a decent vegetarian restaurant in Manchester).

Shahid Afridi will be the sole reason to watch Pakistan, even if he isn’t playing. Expect plenty of (stupid comments about records he wants to break/ball biting/animated yelling matches with random people) from the 16-year-old veteran.

Finally, keep an eye out for minnows Bangladesh.You should expect to see (not much of interest/empty grandstands/plenty of their players drunk in strip clubs).

Players that will have a big bearing on the end result include (John the Bookie/Justice Lodha/that cricketer from Lagaan).

The final will be an event not to be missed. Expect to witness (overpriced beer/warm beer/some random liquid marketed as beer) but not (India/Misbah/a match winning performance from James Anderson/a decent haircut on Wayne Parnell).

All in all, the 2017 Champions Trophy promises to (get in the way of the start of the English Test season/be a missed opportunity to grow the game globally/be full of horrible and cringe-worthy TV commentary moments).

I predict that (we won’t want to see another Champions Trophy for a while/the commentary will be full of T20 comparisons/the TV graphics structure will be really really annoying/if the Pakistani coach doesn’t die in his hotel room like in 2007, then we will deem it a successful tournament).

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Edited by Staff Editor
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