WrestleMania 33’s almost here, and the match card is looking, well, not that great, to be honest. The build-up to WrestleMania 33 has been lukewarm in some ways, with most of the main feuds not being built up properly until only a month or so ago. Only two matches have been built up properly for more than four months, and one of them is likely to end in a debacle given the age and physical limitations of one of the participants.
There isn’t really any contest that lives up to the term, “Dream Match” at this year’s WrestleMania, even though there’s at least one such match every year. Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg is supposed to fill that role, but the build-up for it has been so bad that it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be that good. I mean, how can we take this feud seriously, when Goldberg, a 50-year-old man, beats both Lesnar and Kevin Owens in less than two minutes? How can anyone believe Lesnar can win when Goldberg thrashes him with such ease?
The rest of the card isn’t that much better, either. The one dream match everyone wanted to see was John Cena vs. The Undertaker. Given the reports about ‘Taker’s health, this might’ve been the last possible chance to do this match. Cena’s healthy and ‘Taker has superhuman endurance; even with those limitations, this still could’ve been a match to remember, regardless of your feeling towards the polarizing character that is John Cena.
Yet for what are still ridiculous reasons, Vince McMahon shifted this feud to be Cena vs. Miz in what’s basically a more wrestling-oriented episode of Total Divas, while the Undertaker is set to face Roman Reigns in a match that could have disastrous consequences.
Elsewhere on the card, there are multi-man and multi-woman matches that have been built up poorly, a technical master facing a McMahon, a match two years in the making hampered by a serious injury, and two singles matches that people want to see but definitely won’t get top billing.
Sometimes, WWE should look to other places for booking ideas. They think that we, as fans, don’t know anything about the wrestling business, or that our ideas are nonsensical. But sometimes, even casual fans can find the holes in their logic and expose their plans for the mistakes that they are.
To that end, here I have proposed what I think would be a picture perfect WrestleMania 33. This booking combines some aspects of real events that have occurred in WWE with some fantasy ideas that would’ve made much more sense in the past and would’ve built up these matches well.
This dream card for WrestleMania 33 might not be realistic, but if it were, it would certainly be much better than what we can expect to see on April 2nd.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal – Participants: Braun Strowman, Kane, Big Show, Mark Henry, Enzo Amore, Big Cass, Bo Dallas, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Rusev, Titus O’Neil, Apollo Crews, Luke Harper, James Ellsworth, Mojo Rawley, Tye Dillinger, Bobby Roode, No Way Jose, Eric Rowan & Kassius Ohno
This would be the opening match of WrestleMania, instead of a glorified bathroom break match between two main-event-level matches. But this year, the winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal would receive more than just a big trophy; they’d also get a guaranteed shot at their brand's respective world championship at SummerSlam (if the winner happened to be from NXT, they’d challenge for whichever world title is on the brand they’d get drafted to after this match).
The reason for this stipulation would be to act as a chance to see how a newcomer fares in the high-stress situation that is a world title match. The winner doesn’t necessarily have to win the title match; merely winning an opportunity to challenge for a world title at one of the Big Four should be cause enough for them to celebrate.
This wouldn’t be a technical masterpiece of a match by any means, but it would be a dramatic contest nonetheless. The match would have an equal number of veterans and rookies, all of whom would want to make a name for themselves and get a coveted title shot. But the match would favour the big wrestlers, as Big Cass and Braun Strowman would dominate early.
The two of them would eliminate the most opponents, with James Ellsworth acting as the comedy bit and attempting to fight both giants at the same time (he wouldn’t win, in case you were wondering. Instead, he’d get lifted up by Strowman over the big man’s head, and thrown into a crowd of already-eliminated wrestlers with ease).
The final four in this match would be Strowman, Big Cass, Apollo Crews and Kassius Ohno. Four relative newcomers all wanting that rare title opportunity. They’d all brawl with each other, before Ohno and Crews eliminate Cass. Then, they'd try their best to defeat Strowman, but he'd prove to be too powerful and eliminate them both.
Winner: Braun Strowman
Winner Take All Tag Team Title Match: The New Day [c] & American Alpha [c] vs. Gallows & Anderson and The Revival
The story here is that you have two dominant tag teams wanting to retain their belts in a big match against two very hungry and dangerous challengers. In this scenario, the New Day are still the RAW Tag Team Champions, having held the belts for an astonishing 587 days. On SmackDown, meanwhile, American Alpha are still the inaugural SmackDown Tag Team Champions, having run through virtually every team imaginable.
Enter their opponents. On RAW, Gallows & Anderson are not the bad-joke-telling bumbling fools but are instead a terrifying and threatening tag team that, prior to WrestleMania, ‘broke Kifi Kingston’s leg in a match, forcing him to observe the match from ringside. On SmackDown, The Revival, American Alpha’s archrivals from NXT, debut after the Elimination Chamber PPV, and quickly establish themselves as a dangerous force on the blue brand.
To prevent the card from featuring too many matches, these two rivalries are combined into a single, winner-takes-all match, with the first team to score a decision winning it for both brands.
Of course, this wouldn’t be one of those chaotic, nonsensical tag matches we’ve become accustomed to seeing on RAW. This would be an old school, good vs. evil, tag match with lots of quick tags between partners and traditional ring psychology centered on the heel team beating down one enemy after another. Of course, it wouldn’t be a one-sided affair either, as the good guys would also reverse the momentum on a few occasions.
Ultimately, the story of the match would be that Gallows & Anderson's Magic Killer is an instant one-hit-KO move; as soon as it hits, the victim’s down for a three-count for sure. Both the New Day and American Alpha know this, so whenever Gallows or Anderson are in the ring, they target their backs to prevent them from having enough strengh to lift their opponents up for the terrifying move.
This proves fruitless, however, as the Revival use their genius tactics to outplay the babyface team. In a moment of confusion, Xavier Woods is the legal man, and after being pummeled by the Revival, Gallows & Anderson tag. As they prepare for the Magic Killer, Gable runs in and holds onto Woods' leg, to prevent him from being hoisted up for the terrifying maneuver.
But the Revival pull him out of the ring, allowing Gallows & Anderson to hit the Magic Killer for the pin and the win.
Cue cuts to crying fans in the arena, who are devastated that the New Day’s historic and dare I say magical tag team title reign has come to a close.
Winners: Gallows & Anderson and The Revival.
Interpromotional Money in the Bank Ladder Match (Winner gets a shot at their brand’s respective World Title): Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho vs. Roman Reigns vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton vs. Baron Corbin
This would be the same kind of chaotic, violent, weapons-based fun we’ve come to expect from WWE over the years. This year, there’d be a MITB briefcase at WrestleMania instead of at its own PPV later. There would also be a degree of brand supremacy on the line in this match, as you’d have four wrestlers from RAW and four from SmackDown Live competing for one prize.
There would be multiple stories interwoven into this match. Cesaro and Corbin would be the two trying to finally break through the glass ceiling; Jericho and Orton would be the grizzled veterans trying to reach the top one more time; Sheamus and Ziggler would be the former world champions looking to prove they’ve still got it; Ambrose would be the one seeking redemption after losing his champioship last year; and Reigns would see this as another opportunity for him to crown himself as champion.
Throughout this 25-minute match, there’d be multiple alliances created and destroyed, with everyone trying to weaken each enough for one person to be left with enough strength to climb the ladder. The initial story would suggest that this would be yet another Reigns coronation, with the audience booing him mercilessly (that would also be at play in this match) Reigns would avoid double-teaming anyone and would actually try and do noble things, like break up unfair gang attacks on another wrestler. But the fans would boo him no matter what he did, and he’d gradually become more visibly upset by this.
Also read: WWE WrestleMania 33: PPV Predictions & Spoilers of Results for WrestleMania XXXIII in 2017
The end of the match would see Reigns climbing the ladder, but all seven of his opponents would push the ladder down, symbolic of the widespread rejection of his push to the top. Then Cesaro would use this opportunity to uppercut every single person one of his opponents, going absolutely nuts in the process. Finally, after several minutes of drama, Cesaro would reach the top of the ladder and retrieve the briefcase, thus guaranteeing himself a Universal Championship match somewhere in the next year
However, there would also be some focus on Reigns, who’d look completely gobsmacked over how he had lost. This would end up having a major effect on him, as this wouldn’t be the last we’d see of Reigns that night.
Winner: Cesaro
Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax (with Stephanie McMahon)
The feud for this match would be centered on Stephanie being upset with Sasha for calling herself ‘the boss’, and deciding that she’d want to ruin Banks’ career for no other reason than because she can. To protect herself from any trouble, Stephanie would hire Jax as her own personal bodyguard/attack dog, who’d prevent anyone from touching her and would also assault anyone that she disliked.
This would culminate in a match at ‘Mania, with Sasha trying to defeat the thus-far undefeated Nia Jax. After a hard-fought battle that would also feature lots of interference from Stephanie, Sasha would narrowly get the win following Stephanie screwing things up, thus ending Jax’s own winning streak.
Stephanie would then get into the ring and would berate Jax physically and verbally, only for Jax to grab Stephanie by the arm and slap her. Cue Jax hitting Stephanie with a monstrous Samoan Drop and Sasha then locking Stephanie in the Banks Statement. Stephanie would tap out furiously, but Sasha would not release the hold.
After about a minute, Sasha releases the hold, and Banks and Sasha nod at each other in respect as the crowd roars in approval over one of the most popular characters in WWE getting physical with the singlemost hated character in WWE in Stephanie McMahon.
This match would be done to elevate both Banks and Jax as dominant forces in the women’s division, and for Stephanie McMahon to FINALLY get her comeuppance. For years now, the narrative around her character has been that she berates people and always gets her way, but never gets what she deserves. This match would see that approach come to an end, with Stephanie getting the punishment her character deserves.
Winner: Sasha Banks (and also, the entire WWE fandom, because Stephanie would no longer be the same overbearing character she’s portrayed for over three long years)
Dream Match: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg (winner headlines the 2018 WWE Hall of Fame)
This would not be the same rivalry we have seen now. It would be a simpler story of Lesnar and Goldberg having unfinished business, first from WrestleMania XX, and again from Survivor Series 2016.
Lesnar would be out for revenge due to his humiliating loss, while Goldberg would be out to prove he can still go one last time. However, his dream to become WWE Universal Champion would be cut short at Fastlane 2017, as Lesnar would attack Goldberg with multiple German Suplexes and F-5s, thus preventing Goldberg from winning the belt.
The two of them would then realize there’s only room for one of them in WWE, and so they’d settle on a final confrontation at WrestleMania. An additional stipulation would be added that the winner would get to healine the 2018 WWE Hall of Fame.
This match would be a short contest with both men going toe-to-toe. Lesnar would try a shoulder block, but Goldberg wouldn’t budge. Goldberg would try the same, and Lesnar wouldn’t budge. The two of them would exchange multiple signature moves, but ultimately Lesnar would get the upper hand. He’d hit multiple German Suplexes and power moves, but Goldberg would keep getting up. Ultimately, Lesnar would have to resort to pulling a SummerSlam, attempting to bust Goldberg open the hardway. It wouldn’t work, as Goldberg would fight out of it before Lesnar would succeed at drawing blood.
The match would end after a thunderous F-5 for the pin and the win. Then, in a rare moment of respect, Lesnar would extend his hand to show respect to the tough S.O.B. that survived such a beating, and Goldberg would shake his hand. Goldberg would have one final moment in the ring, before Lesnar would celebrate as the victor.
Winner: Brock Lesnar
Dream Match: Seth Rollins & Sami Zayn vs. Triple H & Samoa Joe
The build-up to this match assumes that Rollins’ recent knee injury did occur, and thus WWE’s plans had to be changed. But just because Rollins injured his leg does not mean that a great match cannot take place.
While Triple H and Seth Rollins do their best to destroy one another in various segments on RAW, a secondary feud brews beneath them. Triple H’s destroyer Samoa Joe begins a bitter rivalry of his own with Sami Zayn, attacking the beloved Canadian on several occasions. It’s later revealed that Joe’s trying to end Zayn’s career because Stephanie McMahon (and by extension, Triple H) sees Zayn as a thorn in her side, and wants to get rid of him once and for all.
So to counter this abuse of power, Rollins and Zayn decide to team up against the evil overlord Triple H and his attack dog Samoa Joe.
The match plays out as a bitter war between two polar opposites. On one hand, you have Rollins trying to prove that he does not need the Authority to be a star, and Zayn trying to prove to them he deserves to be treated like one. On the other, you have the man representing the authority-centric status quo and his new pet project that obeys his orders without question.
The match would play out as an exciting back-and-forth contest, which would begin with Zayn and Joe in the ring, with Zayn not backing down no matter how much bigger and stronger Joe is. Then, Joe tags in Hunter and Zayn looks to the crowd. And he points to Rollins, whose starring daggers at Hunter. The crowd gets louder and louder, and then Zayn tags in Rollins.
Then you have Rollins and Hunter brawling nonstop like a pair of rabid dogs, both desperate to hurt the other as much as possible. Rollins does his best to maintain momentum, but HHH, being the Cerebral Assassin, keeps targeting the knee over and over again. Both Joe and Hunter double team Rollins, with Zayn entering the match several times to save his ally.
At one point, the referee gets knocked out, and Triple H and Joe double team Rollins. Joe even shows his own ruthlessness by Powerbombing Zayn onto Rollins’ injured leg, causing Rollins to writhe in pain like never before. Hunter then locks in another leglock that torments his knee, but Zayn attacks Hunter, breaking the hold.
As Rollins lies in agony clutching his knee, Joe and Hunter double team him, stomping on his knee as much as they can. Then, Zayn, out of desperation to protect Rollins, climbs onto Rollins and shields his knee with his own body, taking more punishment to save Rollins as they stomp on his back because he knows that he needs Rollins to win the match.
The referee gets up, and Rollins and Hunter have one final exchange in the ring, before Hunter goes for his Pedigree. But the referee gets distracted by Joe trying to enter the ring, who’s only doing so because Zayn’s getting back up across the ring. Hunter hooks Seth’s arms, but Zayn uses Rollins’ body as a platform to hit Triple H right in the face with a Helluva Kick, which the referee never saw due to him being distracted by Joe.
Rollins then gets up first and hits his own Pedigree while Zayn runs out and grabs Joe’s leg from the outside, preventing him from getting into the ring in time to save his boss from being pinned by Seth Rollins.
Zayn and Rollins then celebrate a monumental victory.
Winners: Seth Rollins & Sami Zayn
WWE Cruiserweight Championship Elimination Match: Neville [c] vs. Austin Aries vs. Akira Tozawa vs. The Brian Kendrick vs. Cedric Alexander vs. Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger (surprise entrant)
The reason for Liger’s appearance in this match is purely historical. Liger is the face of cruiserweight wrestling, and he is one of the biggest pioneers of the style. His involvement in this match would serve to elevate the title’s importance. In the same way that Sting challenging for the WWE Championship in 2015 was also a big deal of the same sort.
Of course, Liger wouldn’t do much in this match (due to his age, of course), and would serve mainly to hit a few big moves before getting eliminated by Neville (who’d play the monster heel in this match). This move would cause the audience to turn on Neville hard, as Liger’s one of the most respected wrestlers in cruiserweight history. Neville pinning him would do wonders in elevating Neville’s credibility as a defending champion, to be sure.
The match would then pick up in pace, with multiple high-flying moves done both inside the ring and out of it. One by one, the remaning wrestlers would get a brief moment of dominance, before being eliminated by someone else. The Brian Kendrick would eliminate Cedric Alexander (also getting more boos), Akira Tozawa would eliminate Kendrick, and Neville would make Tozawa submit.
This would leave us with Neville vs. Austin Aries. The two of them would then engage in a brutal singles match, both exchanging various submission holds and power moves. Ultimately, Neville would come very close to winning, but Aries would simply be the better wrestler on this night. Aries would hit two discus elbows, and then lock in his Last Chancery for the submission, the win, and the championship.
Winner & New WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Austin Aries
WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Miz [c] (with Maryse) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (with Daniel Bryan)
This would be built as one of SmackDown’s biggest and most important stories. Miz would be the thus-far undefeated Intercontinental Champion, his reign approaching almost one year in length. He would have defeated many people to retain his title, from Dean Ambrose to Dolph Ziggler, to even Randy Orton. But throughout all of that, there’d be a deeper, underlying feud: the one between Miz and daniel Bryan.
Throughout 2016 and into 2017, these two would have a heated rivalry. Miz would constantly taunt Bryan, trying to goad him into doing something he’d regret. Bryan, meanwhile, would constantly deny Miz’s importance to the SmackDown brand, essentially ‘burying’ him in front of the audience.
Ultimately, this would lead to things getting physical, with Miz shoving Daniel Bryan. Things go one step further when the Miz enters the Royal Rumble match to Daniel Bryan’s music, angering the entire audience and Bryan himself in the process. Bryan would become so mad that he breaks protocol and enters the ring in secret, eliminating Miz from the Rumble match. On the next SmackDown Live, Miz would do the unthinkable and hits his Skull-Crushing Finale on Bryan, sending him to the hospital.
After a month of absence, Bryan returns, and the fans are desperate to see Miz and Bryan fight at WrestleMania. But Bryan still isn’t cleared to compete by WWE’s doctors, but he finds a perfect stand-in. A close friend of his with a similar style and background. The King of Strong Style, Shinsuke Nakamura.
At WrestleMania, Miz would spend the majority of the match attacking Nakamura’s legs, trying to weaken his knees as much as possible. Miz would use as many leg-targeting moves as possible, and would lock in the Figure-4 Leglock as many times as possible, with Nakamura’s legs getting more worn down each time.
But no matter how much Miz tries, he cannot overcome the King of Strong Style. Despite the pain, Nakamura would keep hitting as hard as possible, eventually hitting his Landslide signature move (a Samoan Driver he used as a signature move in NJPW), before setting up for one final Kinshasa to seal the victory.
And with that, the feud between Miz and Bryan reaches its conclusion, and a new King makes his name at WrestleMania.
Winner & New Intercontinental Champion: Shinsuke Nakamura
WWE Universal Championship: Kevin Owens [c] vs. Finn Balor
There's a simple story here. Finn Balor was the first WWE Universal Championship, but he lost it due to injury. Kevin Owens took his place at the top of the RAW roster while Balor was recovering. Then, after six months of intensive rehab (he misses the Royal Rumble, unfortunately), Balor makes a surprise return as the eight and final participant of a tournament to crowd the new #1 contender for the WWE Universal Championship. Balor then wins the tournament and enters into a vicious rivalry with Kevin Owens.
Owens will portray the vicious, remorseless heel that won’t shy away from anything to keep his top spot. Any time Balor is in the ring, Owens would attack him from behind. He’d hit Balor in his recently-rehabilitated shoulder with weapons, he’d Powerbomb Balor onto the ring apron, and he’d use as many attacks targeting the shoulder as possible to break Balor’s spirit. He’d even attack Balor’s legs to weaken the effect of his Coup de Grâce Double Foot Stomp.
Except each of these attacks would only make the Demon angrier, and this would culminate in Owens facing a very angry Demon Balor at WrestleMania.
The match would be a remorseless fight for the championship, with Owens using his brawling abilities and power to counter Balor’s surprise attacks. This match would also be given around twenty minutes for both guys to be as savage and brutal as possible to one another, with both of them hitting multiple signature and finishing moves on each other.
Finally, after numerous momentum shifts, Owens would attempt another Pop-up Powerbomb, but Balor would reverse this into the 1916 and hit two consecutive Coup de Grâce Double Foot Stomps. That would keep Owens down for the three-count and lead to Balor becoming the new Universal Champion.
Winner & New WWE Universal Champion: Finn Balor
WWE RAW Women’s Championship: Charlotte [c] vs. Bayley
In this scenario, Charlotte is still undefeated on PPVs, while Bayley is still the #1 contender. At Fastlane 2017, Charlotte would’ve retained via double count-out, with both women having fought a bitter battle that left both of them unable to enter the ring before the ten-count.
In response, a final confrontation contract is signed, with Charlotte and Bayley agreeing to a final match at WrestleMania. For weeks leading up to this match, Charlotte does her usual ‘superiority’ promos, claiming that she's better than Bayley in every way.
At WrestleMania, these two would have the no holds barred, no shenanigans, pure technical wrestling match that everyone would want to see. They’d chain wrestle, use high impact moves (Charlotte would execute her out-of-the-ring diving moonsault, while Bayley would use her Avalanche Poisoned Frankensteiner) and reverse each other’s signature moves throughout the match.
These two would get about twenty minutes, but it would be a fast-paced twenty minutes, as they’d pack in as much action into that time as possible.
Ultimately, Charlotte would be felled with not one, not two, but three consecutive Bayley-to-Belly Suplexes, allowing Bayley to end the match with decisive finality. Cue the childhood fan achieving her dream on the biggest stage of them all in an emotional moment that would make fans react just like they did to Shawn Michaels’ historic victory at WrestleMania XII.
Winner & New RAW Women’s Champion: Bayley
Dream Match: John Cena vs. The Undertaker (if Cena loses, he can never challenge for a world championship again)
This would be the match that everyone wanted to see, and would be billed as such. The mythical Undertaker vs. the face of WWE, John Cena. Their brief previous confrontations would be mentioned in the build-up to this match, and the story here would be that Cena would want to solidify his own legendary status by being the one to retire The Undertaker.
Cena would be so confident in his own strength and superior conditioning that a stipulation would be added: if, for whatever reason, Cena were to lose this match, he would never be able to challenge for any World Championship again (note: this article assumes that Cena never challenged for, and won the WWE Championship at the Royal Rumble; it assumes Styles’ first reign was never interrupted).
Cena and ‘Taker would of course have the dream match everyone was clamoring to see, with Cena working well as the workhorse in the match to carry The Undertaker. The match would be filled with several high spots and near-falls, with Undertaker focusing on Cena’s back throughout the match due to an underlying story centered on Cena’s back being in poor shape due to years of ‘super-strength’ spots involving him lifting inhuman amounts of weight.
Towards the conclusion of the match, the referee would be knocked out, and the two men would be brawling in the ring. At one point, the Undertaker would hit Cena with the Last Ride, but he’d also collapse to the floor due to exhaustion. As both Cena and ‘Taker are lying in the ring and the referee is still down, out comes Roman Reigns to a chorus of boos.
Reigns gets in the ring and hits his Superman Punch on the Undertaker, knocking him back down as the audience boos even louder than before. Then, Reigns turns his head to see Cena slowly getting up. As soon as Cena is on his feet, Reigns prepares to his the Spear on ‘Taker again, but before he charges, he turns and hits Cena instead.
‘Taker and the referee get up, both of them unaware of what had just transpired. ‘Taker picks up Cena, hits him with the Tombstone Piledriver, and wins the match.
This would effectively turn Roman Reigns heel in a way (yes, we’re going with Reigns turning heel because his character really needs to do that), which would set up the much-anticipated Reigns vs. Cena feud over the top spot in WWE. Cena would play the angered veteran who lost his one and only chance at further glory, while Reigns would play the hungry, determined, status-quo-destroying new guy wanting to make a name for himself at Cena’s expense.
And there you go, the main event of WrestleMania 34 is ready to be booked.
Winner: The Undertaker
WWE Championship: A.J. Styles [c] vs. Bray Wyatt (2017 Royal Rumble Winner)
This would be the closing match, and would be centered on the story of the serious clashing with the outlandish. As the winner of the 2017 Royal Rumble match, Wyatt would play his own style of mind games against Styles, while the Phemonemal One would try continuously to ignore Wyatt and act as calm as possible.
Over time, however, Wyatt would eventually get into Styles’ head, which would allow Wyatt to have a trump card to use against Styles’ superior technical ability and versatility in the ring.
This would be an incredible match, with Styles carrying Bray in the same way CM Punk carried the Undertaker at WrestleMania XXIX. Styles would keep trying to pick apart one body part after another, but Bray would keep getting up, as if under the influence of some supernatural force. Each time Styles would try and use his experience, skills or versatility, Wyatt would counter with the pure power and explosive force that have become his calling cards.
Ultimately, Styles’ versatility would prove to be his downfall, as he’d go for a Phenomenal Forearm, only for Wyatt to reverse it into a high-speed Sister Abigail for the pin and the win. This would serve as the crowning moment of Wyatt’s career, as he’d avenge his previous WrestleMania losses and humiliations by closing the show as the new WWE Champion.
Winner & New WWE Champion: Bray Wyatt
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