Satire: Test cricket announces retirement

Everyone is blaming IPL

Another official complained thus, “Now everyone will blame IPL, that and this for the decline of Test cricket. They will never realize the amount of effort we put into save Tests. We could have easily filled the flannels of players with sponsorship logos, but the conservative Test fans would not have allowed it. We even tried bringing in washing powders to have their logos on white jerseys in return for money, but no one was interested. We tried creating Zing bats like Zing bails to light every time the ball found the edge of the bat, but batsmen didn’t like it since it was always lit during their innings. We even had plans for a franchise based Test league in India. A Sleeping Pill manufacturer came forward to sponsor it but Test cricket has decided to quit.”

cricket Australia tweeted saying that, “Our article re-writing software has suddenly stopped working. We have received BCCI’s view on it by e-mail and would soon be posting ours in our official website”. A journalist in close quarters with cricket Australia told us that the board was interested in three-day Test matches under lights before Test cricket announced its retirement”

Sri Lanka cricket on the other hand, expressed their shock in a nonchalant manner stating that “Hopefully, teams would convert their test schedules into ODIs and T20Is so that we can finish paying debts incurred by building a stadium in our ex-president’s village. The President’s power has expired but not the debts. We will be missing Test cricket by the way. Convey our regards”.

Bangladesh cricket Board who had no idea about what was going on told a local media that “BCCI has agreed to help built new stadiums in our country. They have also offered us a Test tour to India, which will be our first there. So we are happy standing up with BCCI in wishing Test cricket a happy future way from cricket”.

New Zealand cricket Board made their emotions clear in their statement. “See we are called Blackcaps and we have always found it an embarrassment to wear whites in Tests. Blackcaps can’t wear white, can they?”, said the official spokesman with a beaming face.

Pakistan cricket Board for their part joined the mourners’ bandwagon proclaiming that “We are utterly disappointed. But we do hope Test cricket returns to Pakistan”.

Indian media, meanwhile, lampooned Virat Kohli for being too rude on Test cricket. An eminent Journalist Arab Goes Army (not to be confused with Barmy Army) was screeching in an Indian channel claiming that “Kohli was too aggressive towards Test that it decided to quit. Join our campaign in twitter tweeting with the hashtag #KohliKillsTest”.

Cricketers speak

Angelo Mathews, the Sri Lankan captain opined that “We need to be positive and aggressive and play to win”. When reminded that the question was about Test cricket’s retirement, he stated that “Oh! Sorry. Got used to answering the same type of questions. I literally knelt in front of Test cricket and begged it not to go. But you know, when I beg like that, goody byes are expedited.”

Kevin Pieterson speaking with much rage asserted that “Had I kept playing Tests, it would not have retired. Test cricket needed entertainers like me”.

Ishant Sharma, meanwhile, was conceited in his statement. “S**t. Had I known about his plans I would have smitten my head at every Sri Lankan batsmen”.

Test cricket as it walks into sunset leaves behind a very rich legacy. Over the years many greats like Rahul Dravid, Kumar Sangakkara, Sachin Tendulkar, Jacques Kallis, VVS Laxman, Mahela Jayawardene, Ricky Ponting and Michale Clarke have retired from Tests, leaving Test cricket with batsmen who want to finish tests within three days and go shopping for five days. The journey of Test has given us many moments to cherish, many memories to revel and many lessons to uphold.

NOTE: This is not a satire. Anyone who makes fun of this news will be publicly shamed in Twitter, Facebook, and Google plus with their profile picture featuring prominently for outraging the modesty of Test cricket.