IPL 2018: Deciphering The Hidden Message In Your IPL Team's Logo

The 2018 IPL is almost here.

I'm more excited than Narendra Modi planning a trip to Disneyland.

But before we delve into this sticky goodness that is the world's biggest T20 tournament, have you ever stopped to consider what your team's logo is trying to say to you?

No? Well, me neither.

So with that in mind, let's pull these shiny symbols of capitalism apart in a way that only marketing students can dream of.

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Many moons ago, I lived in Delhi. It was in the quaint enclave of Pancheel Park. What that has to do with this story is anyone's guess. But of all the things I remember from living in Delhi, exactly none are reflected in this logo.

There are no traffic jams. There are no goras in business suits melting in the ridiculous humidity. There are no kids selling single cigarettes on street corners. There are no locals trying to outdo each other by wearing a bigger Bluetooth earpiece or gold chain.

What the Daredevils logo is trying to represent is something of a mystery. The font is probably a modern update of Times New Roman. And I reckon that red thing with the yellow swipe is just a poor man's take on the Nike Swoosh Tick.

There is nothing here that even slightly resembles a cricket reference. Even the little "TM" is superfluous as it assumes someone wants to steal their logo. Trust me, they don't.

The lion. How come everyone wants a lion on their logo? It is a blatant rip-off of the PSL, where four of the teams use this regal animal. Ok, calm down. Yes, I know that CSK came first, but this is a satirical piece and facts matter little when you are attempting to pump out poor jokes and invoke a reaction.

Let's get back to the logo. I want to know why CSK have also stolen the British Royal Crown and stuck it in there as well. I know England don't win many T20 matches, and neither have CSK over the past 2 years, but why highlight that fact?

In light of recent ball-tampering issues, I'd suggest closing the mouth of the orange lion. Some might misinterpret it to be a reflection of Shahid Afridi about to bite the ball. And given that CSK have won almost every IPL Fair Play Award, we know that this is a team that never cheats.

Oh, look....more bloody lions. In this case, two of them. Therefore, the Kings XI Punjab are mathematically twice as good as CSK. Speak of repeats, here's another team with the word "Kings" in it. Seriously, guys, you spent millions of dollars on a franchise name but you couldn't find a few rupees to spend on a branding intern to come up with something original?

Where the CSK lion's eyes are open, the Kings XI lions have their eyes closed. Maybe it is because they are facing Mitch Johnson? However, they have more teeth than the CSK lion, proving once and for all that the people of Punjab have better oral hygiene than those of Tamil Nadu.

I've been racking my brain, attempting to work out what the letters K.J.H.P.H stand for. I can only assume is Kohli-Jadeja-Harbhajan-Pandya-Harmanpreet.

But Kohli was born in Delhi. Jadeja and Pandya were born in Gujarat. Only Harbhajan and Harmanpreet are Punjabis. It is a mystery that may never be solved.

Whenever you see purple in a logo, you know it represents a regal setting. Like a King. Except the various IPL Kings have instead chosen to be lions. So, therefore, the team from Kolkata have naturally chosen to be traditional Indian medieval knights.

The first thing I noticed is that the metal helmet of the knight has a hole in the top that allows his beautiful flowing locks to either dance with the breeze, or catch fire. I can't be too sure which one it is.

The other thing one notices early is that they've spelt "Night" wrong.

David Hasselhoff, the star of that 80s TV show Night Rider, is said to have pulled his support for the team due to this error.

I'm putting it out there. This is the most confused logo in the history of logos. It is so confused that it probably believes China is India's 30th State.

Firstly, why is a Japanese ninja star the focus of the whole thing? Is this team suggesting that if they are losing they will start killing you with stealth? Or is it just a threat to stop you from bowling yorkers?

Then, there's the name. Which followers of a team in the IPL need to be reminded that the team they are following is actually from India? According to these guys, it is people from Mumbai. Perhaps the team management are scared that the locals will believe that their IPL franchise is actually from Tokyo because of that ridiculous ninja star.

Just to make sure you don't get it wrong, they have used Indian flag colours around the ninja star.

Maybe there's something here that I'm missing? Does India have a secret ninja class of Maharashtrians that I'm yet to discover? If so, I apologise wholeheartedly.

More bloody lions.

Except that these ones have escaped from the circus. You can tell because they are walking on their hind legs and playing some kind of French horn. Or are they choking on it? It is difficult to ascertain.

What I want to know is what song those lions are playing. I hope it isn't the Sri Lankan national anthem. Because there is no way that those back legs could hold those lions up for that long.

One thing is certain. They are not gambling on the results of matches.

Want to guess what Royal Challengers Bangalore's spirit animal is? What's that you say? A lion? Don't be daft. There's no way yet another IPL franchise would choose the lion as its mascot.

[INSERT FACEPALM]

Do these teams know that there are literally 8.7 million animal species on the planet according to Google? They could put them all in a bowl and randomly just pick one out.

Congratulations! Your team's mascot is now a yellow-bellied parrot. And yours is the three-toed sloth. Rejoice!

But no. Everyone wants to be the lion.

Ok. Before we get too annoyed with this or laugh at the lack of creativity in Indian marketing firms that charge millions of rupees for a logo design, let's just assume that as a prerequisite to joining the IPL, your logo must feature a lion. That's the only possible explanation.

And here we have another god-forsaken lion.....oh wait. No.

IT'S A BOY....I MEAN IT'S A BIRD!!!!

Thank you so much Hyderabad. You have shown some creative licence by choosing to have the native Sunriser bird on your logo with its majestic wingspan and distinctive red and yellow colouring. Just like a sunrise I presume.

Really, do people in Hyderabad worship the sunrise more than they worship a lion? What's wrong with them? If this exercise has taught me anything, it is that everyone in India aspires to be a lion and that being born a human is a major disappointment.