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Satire: Why BCCI and the Cinema industry should join hands to create a WWE like industry

Instead of promoting each other, why shouldn't cricket and cinema get together?

The illicit love affair between cricket in India and the cinema industry is an open secret. Though the cinema industry is despised by puritans for spoiling the purity of sports (transpose cinema industry and sports if you are a fan of cinema), the constant and consistent back scratching of these two industries is less likely to stop anytime soon.

The IPL opening ceremonies resemble a Bollywood concert more than they resemble a sports ceremony. The Khan in the IPL is not Imran Khan or Zaheer Khan but Shahrukh Khan. Another Khan, Salman Khan, along with the female lead of his upcoming movie (ironically another sports movie) has already gate crashed an IPL talk show to promote his own movie.

The biography of Azharuddin has been made into a movie and Sachin Tendulkar and MS Dhoni are awaiting their own biographical movies. Meanwhile, Virat Kohli is singing for AR Rahman.

Add to that, DJ Bravo has already released a single and AB de Villiers’s singing skills are as conspicuous as his skills with the bat. Shane Watson plays the guitar better than he plays full balls at the stumps and Yuvraj Singh was a child actor in a movie.

Amir Khan’s Lagaan will tell you that he hit a six off the last ball to win a match for his team even before Javed Miandad did. Moreover, the Indian cinema stars are having a cricket league of their own called the Celebrity Cricket League.

So instead of complaining about the persistent infiltrations by personnel from either of these industries into each other’s territory, this article dwells on the possibility of both these industries embracing each other to create a unified gigantic industry in the mould of the World Wrestling Entertainment.

Amir Khan did it before Javed Miandad

When cricketers are becoming actors and actors are playing cricket, all this while India’s biggest ‘sporting’ league has become a confounded mixture of cinema and cricket that the perfect way of describing it would be to call it an association of Indian celebrities, why not create a cricket based kayfabe entertainment industry?

To give you a simple sample of how this novel idea would be, imagine Virat Kohli and Shahrukh Khan batting together to win a match for their team! No, Shahrukh Khan cannot bat, but with a kayfabe (scripted events) he can hit sixes out of India.

The matches played out should not be real but should be portrayed as real to the viewers much like wrestling (the other gentleman’s game). Every match should be scripted (sorry naysayers, you can no more speculate about every match of being scripted since every match will be scripted). The script writer should decide which team would emerge victorious and how they accomplish it.

So it won’t be “just what the doctor ordered” instead, it will be “just what the writer ordered”.

But unlike real cricket, this would be an industry of glorious certainties, yet the viewers would be uncertain about those certainties. On the flip side, people who watch the game live in the stadium would be wise to the behind the screen happenings, which might create a dent in match attendance.

However, since actors will also be involved in the making, fanatics are less likely to miss out on an opportunity to watch both cricketers and Bollywood stars at work together.

Fans will no more have to wait for an MS Dhoni or Axar Patel to get the glimpse of a rare drama like a batsman hitting the last ball to win a match for an absorbing script will entail many of such dramatic moments. So we shall have more “city moment of successes” and almost every catch will be a “Karbon Kamal catch”.

A plot twist will no more be metaphorical but be literal and an anti-climax will be a real one.

Action sequences can be pumped in in the form of Salman Khan ripping out a 160kmph bouncer at Shahrukh Khan’s head and blood gushing out of a wounded batsman’s head could be explicitly shown using ultra-slow motion replays. Of course, a cinematographer will play a big role here.

Sledgings can be turned into engrossing, acerbic taunts that players throw at each other and professional dialogue writers can be hired to make them witty enough to have fans applaud.

To make the raucous noise of the crowd and the euphoric voice of the commentators even more exciting, music directors could be hired to provide background scores. Imagine how dramatic Iqbal Abdulla’s tears would have been with Rahman’s magical music in the final of the IPL?

Cricketers like Tahir have already made their acting skills obvious in bids to save test matches.

Like wrestling, romantic sequences can be co-opted in the form of background stories of each player allowing cricketers and actors to have a kayfabe romantic relationship with actresses, but it will be up to the skills of different individuals to extrapolate them into their real lives. The media will also get a lot of fodder for their hunger for gossips.

Stories of players giving cricket the primacy amidst losing their next of kin have already made emotionally appealing anecdotes. Such scenes could be included to attract a family audience. Songs are an imperative part of Indian cinema, so the strategic timeouts can be utilized to play songs.

How invigorating would it be to be able to listen to a vivacious pump up music when your favourite team needs 60 runs off 4 overs? Or visualize a soothing dirge when a defeat is looming against your team?

Chris Gayle and Dwayne Bravo have already made some dance moves famous after picking up a wicket and with the help of choreographers those jigs could be turned into professional exquisite dance moves which will definitely add to the mood of a match.

AB de Villiers’s bohemian batting would perfectly suit Bollywood’s unrealistic stunts and perhaps, it could be further augmented by depicting shots such as an airborne batsman driving a bouncer over covers.

This fight deserved a better choreography

Monumental fights have taken place in the history of cricket and such incidents could be mimicked to provide the much-anticipated fight sequences. How staggering the fight between Javed Miandad and Dennis Lillee would have been had it been properly choreographed by a stunt choreographer?

A match with an absorbing script with absolutely no moment of sluggishness will definitely become a hit and sports journalists may have to give spoiler warnings, similar to writers who write about Game of Thrones, when writing match reports.

The acting skills of the cricketers and the cricketing skills of actors will be given a test of fire, probably, begetting a new type of professionals like Imran Tahir, who once gave a glimpse of his acting skills by acting dead to save a test match in Sri Lanka.

Creating such an industry will make sure cricket and cinema in India will no more have to use each other as trampolines to promote themselves while allowing these two to vehemently acknowledge their inter-dependency.

If this idea takes off, then this could become a trend setter for other sports, especially given the fact that other sports stars in India live their lives in complete oblivion. Google suggests “Mary Kom movie” when the keyword “Mary Kom” is input into the search field completely shunning the female boxer.

Creating such an industry will help sportspersons like Mary Kom get their seconds of fame at least in reel-life.

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and is meant for humour only. Not intended to be derisive to anyone.

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